SEASON: 11-7
You might be surprised to hear this, but I have a lot of thoughts on Donald Trump. I'm going to do my best to limit sharing these thoughts with you because, you might also be surprised to hear this, I could go on and on and on about it.
For now, I'll just say that I'm greatly amused by the idea that if Trump manages to convert his big, dumb cult against the NFL, he'll inadvertently be killing the sports radio industry at the same time. I mean, who else but Trump voters are interested in listening to big, dumb sports radio and calling in with their big, dumb opinions? What, they'll just talk hot stove baseball instead?
Maybe they'll convert to college football, where the blacks are controlled so much better.
Pretty sure I said 3-4 years ago that it was bad idea to combine the national anthem with paid military propaganda, but what do I know?
By the way, in a week filled with the hottest of takes, congrats to Joe Average American here for getting the fucking stupidest possible question about this controversy in under the wire:
The only possible way you can see those two issues as related is if, say, America has created a multi-decade perpetual war cycle that unquestionably valorizes the military and uses slick marketing to point back to the troops as a firewall against any and all legitimate concerns about how the country is being run.
How pathetic can a country be when the closest we will let minorities get to equality comes when we will also consume poor white bodies as freely as black and brown ones in the name of "freedom?"
And yes, I am aware that the guy asking the question there lost his son to our perpetual conflict. His wife there...where did she come from? She doesn't look very traditionally American to me. Does he think his Trump allies won't come for her one day just because of his one vote?
Maybe it's better for everybody if I just get upset about A.J. Green and not people being crushed under the boot of oppression.
ANYWAY!
THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (1-2) vs. WTTK? (1-2)
I'm happy to have landed a first-rounder for A.J. Green, but with him gone the team that I suspected wasn't that good looks totally empty. AJ was the rug that tied The Dude's whole living room together, man. But as crazy at it sounds, I look at the schedule and see a way that I could be 6-4 heading into the final division games. I could also be 1-6 after losing to Gary in Week 7.
This game here is going to determine whether I try to scrape into the playoffs and keep my streak alive or totally liquidate my roster early. Rivers should bounce back against the Eagles, and Thielen should light up the Lions from the slot. I'm surprised CBS doesn't have higher hopes for Buck Allen after Howard and Cohen, LLC lit up the Steelers last week. Allen clearly isn't as dynamic as Cohen, but he's a pass-catching back in space, and that's a problem for the Steelers. Hyde's hip is banged up and Arizona's D is tough, Martavis will either score 3 or 19 and since the Steelers are on the road it's probably closer to 3, and Sammy has a good matchup against Dallas but needs to be cleared from a concussion first.
But it's not like I have great options on the bench. Amari is like most WRs in that he struggles against Denver, the Giants have a great secondary that can limit DeSean, Kelley is practicing but facing a tough Chiefs defense, and Williams and McFadden are still an injury and a court case away, respectively, from being useful.
And yet...I'm playing McCamey. Carr will also struggle against Denver, but it's not like Cousins against KC is that much better. He is finally starting Joe Mixon, so expect him to get about 4 touches. JJ Nelson? Willie Snead? Davante Adams? I'm supposed to be worried about these guys?
I'm going to win this week because of my secret weapon: the franchised Jaguars DST facing the hapless Jets offense.
THE PICK: TDHGNM 71 - WTTK? 54
ASSTANNER (2-1) vs. THE NATIONAL RAZOR (2-1)
Gary came back to me AGAIN yesterday on the Week 5 thing, saying basically, "Okay, I cave. I'll trade you Ginn for Cooper." It really brought a smile to my face. I told him I'll just pick up Ginn after he cuts him.
If Gary knows I'm going to be difficult in trade talks, I'm not sure why he doesn't just pick up a FA WR for Week 5. I mean, look at some of the big-time players he has to choose from:
He doesn't think he can beat McCamey with Robby Anderson? Why so little confidence in your team, Gary? And good luck trading for one of Brian Barker's golden receivers since he will only want one of your precious running backs.
Anyway, this is a pretty big game considered that 1 of the 3 highest-scoring teams in the league will have a 2-2 afterwards. Heck, I might be 2-2 after this week and I hate my team! Weird how that works out.
It's hard to tell from the first 3 weeks, but the Chargers defense is decent. Jason Verrett can cover and Melvin Ingram is wrecking shop. So young Wentz might struggle on the road. Though this will actually be a home game by proxy since I imagine more Eagles fans will be in attendance at the Chargers' futbol stadium. Atlanta's defense isn't that tough against the run, but the Bills should be trailing this game for 55 minutes, limiting Shady's chances. Zeke, Cook, AJ, and Parker should all be just fine, though.
Brady will torch the Panthers because he drinks so much healthy, delicious water, and Freeman might post 20 on the Bills. But CJ is losing carries, there's no way Hilton can repeat last week playing in Seattle (why in the damn hell is that a prime time game, by the way!?!?), and Patrick Peterson will eliminate Garcon. So unless Emmanuel Sanders puts up 40, Gary is going to fall with 2-2 with his Week 5 roster crisis looming. We should all be treated to some hilarious, increasingly frantic trade offers next week.
THE PICK: AT 107 - TNR 81
RUSSELLMANIA (1-2) vs. THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (2-1)
One last political thing, if I may. Doug Baldwin was also on that CNN last night, and very astutely observed that the police gunning down innocent black man on the street is like the Boston Massacre. I've had a similar thought in the past, so let me share a fun game with you. As we watch the GOP and Trump voters slide further toward authoritarian affection, whenever they make a statement on "law and order" or how people should behave, or how people should appreciate what they have, or asset forfeiture, or giving up rights for "security," or what have you, imagine how colonialists would've reacted to the same words coming from a British Governor in Massachussetts, or even King George. You'll have an enjoyable time finding out how many "real Americans" absolutely would've sided with the British 250 years back.
Speaking of Doug Baldwin, he has a groin injury and plays in the Sunday night game, but right now Bri is rolling the dice with him in the starting lineup. I guess Crabtree against Denver or Mike Wallace against, uh...Artie Burns?...aren't as appealing as a guy who could be a late scratch.
Of course, I'm burying the lede here because...
CAM HAS BEEN BENCHED. REPEAT. CAM HAS BEEN BENCHED. The Patriots defense, which has been shredded this season by Alex Smith and Deshaun Watson, is apparently not enough to tempt Bri into going back to Cam after last week.
Instead, Bri goes with Tyrod Taylor, who will definitely be throwing to catch up to Atlanta this week. Gurley has a great matchup against Dallas, and Ajayi also has a great one against the Saints, assuming the knee issue that's held him out of practice all week isn't a problem. Me, I'd be concerned that one of my backs has had knee problems all season, but that's just me.
The Bears defense is quickly improving this year, and Montgomery is averaging 3 yards a carry, so he'd better catch some passes tonight to be useful.
It seems so obvious that Russ is going to light up Indianapolis and Stafford will struggle against the Vikings. Then again, this is a Brian Barker lineup decision we're talking about here. If it can go wrong, it will. The Indy defense has been surprisingly feisty so far this season. Maybe they're decent. Or maybe the defense will have a Pick 12 against Jacoby Brissett and Seattle will just run in the 2nd half. Of course, that would still help Brian, as he has the Seahawks defense.
Lamar Miller sucks so bad that Barker should honestly consider making Duke Johnson his 1 RB this week. Odell, Julio, Diggs, and Allen all have great matchups, which must be why first round pick Terrelle Pryor is benched this week. McCaffrey, Mixon, Hyde, and Montgomery were all selected after Pryor. None of them would be traded for Pryor right now unless a high pick came along with him.
This one is going to be close, and each team has 2 prime time players this week. But I say that Russ and SEA DST pull away enough in the Sunday night game that Kelce can't catch up in the Monday night game.
THE PICK: RM 94 - TKSMB 81
THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (2-1) vs SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER (2-1)
Tim has scored 100 points more than Larry this season. Larry has faced 100 points fewer than Tim. Both teams have arrived at the same record in different ways. They are starting both Bears running backs, both Jaguars wide receivers, and if Larry starts Cutler against the terrible Saints defense, both quarterbacks in this week's London game.
Man, look at these rosters. The first 3 weeks of this season have been the most unpredictable in some time. My team is certainly no world beater, but if these two teams are 2-1, it has to be too early for me to pack it in on the whole season, right? These guys START backup running backs.
There's going to be a point early Monday night when a Dustin Hopkins field goal gives Larry a small lead in this game...and then Kareem Hunt is just going to obliterate that lead.
THE PICK: SS 78 - TWR 68
LITTLE BABY JESUS (2-1) vs. SCOTT DOESN'T HAVE ANY WINS (0-3)
My least favorite fantasy football article trope is "If you take away X plays, then this guy only has Y points this season."
THAT SAID...
If you take away DeMarco Murray's late 75-yard TD run from this past Sunday, a run that was worth 13.5 points, Murray has 14.3 points on the season. He doubled his entire season's output with ONE run. They say Gordon is on track to play this week, but knee problems usually flare right back up. And Winston is facing another really good pass defense, something he has not yet shown an ability to overcome. Fournette should pound the Jets, though.
As for AB...well...he is unstoppable. But Ben. Everybody knows about his road struggles, particularly his Baltimore struggles. He's also said he needs to stop forcing it to AB so much, which means he's going to be thinking even more this week, which is never good. Here's a specific prediction for you: somebody is going to call The Fan or Madden this morning and ask if it's time to start thinking about Josh Dobbs.
(Note: Somebody else is going to have to listen in to validate this prediction. Hell no I'm not listening to sports radio.)
Everybody keeps saying Chris Carson is really good. He certainly runs well from what I've seen. Facing the Colts at home in prime time will tell us all if he's actually a good fantasy option. Landry, Hogan, and Nelson all have solid matchups. As for Tyreek Hill, they showed a stat last Sunday night that Josh Norman QBs over the last 3 years (5 years?) have their lowest rating when targeting Josh Norman. Lower than any other CB. Tyreek is the #1 Chiefs receiver, but they don't put him in a traditional mold, so I don't know if Norman really shadows him or shuts him. I'll be curious to watch what happens.
Whatever happens won't really matter beyond the curiosity; Semi will have this one wrapped up by Sunday night.
THE PICK: LBJ 89 - SDHAW 68
ANIMAL HOUSE (2-1) vs. THE NIGHT BOYS (1-2)
66% of the Animal House bench is cuttable. Maybe 83% if you don't think Conner is worth keeping as a handcuff stash. He definitely will need to make some roster moves in Weeks 5 and 9 to get around bye weeks, but he only has $0.58 in cap space. He's average in PF and PA, but here he is at 2-1, looking to get to 3-1.
Ryan will light up Buffalo, and McCaffrey should catch a whole bunch of passes as Carolina tries to make up a 34-14 deficit. Nobody on the Niners can cover Fitz, Michael Thomas should do well against a Miami secondary that couldn't stop the damn Jets last week, and Gronk will be a part of that 34-14 lead. That just leaves Le'Veon to finally break 100 yards against the Ravens.
Hasn't Chris Thompson been on Washington for like 3 seasons? Why is he just now becoming a bigger Darren Sproles? I feel like he might not sustain this torrid pace. Both Gillislee and Cooks have one huge game, one medium game, and one bad game, and this will most likely be a common pattern for all Patriots outside of Brady this season. Devin Funchess? Dez Bryant? Oof.
THE PICK: AH 98 - TNB 70
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