AFFL Week 2 Preview

LAST WEEK: 5-1
SEASON: 5-1

Teams are desperate to avoid starting off 0-2 and with only a very weird Week 1 go off of, we're going to see seem questionable lineup decisions. I'm seeing a huge one already, GARY.




THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (1-0) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (0-1)
CBS is so down on my team this season that I'm getting stuck in a negative feedback loop and starting to think maybe I'm not that good. Even though I know CBS' projections are trash. Even though I know I'm taking the same approach that got me into the playoffs last year: a serviceable starting RB flanked by 4 dynamic WRs. In fact, with DeSean and Martavis, I might have a better WR group and I have two outstanding QBs. Screw you, CBS.

That said, I might be 1-1 soon. Meyers only scored 53.6 points last week and he might double that this week. Le'Veon could struggle again this week against a great Vikings defense, and the Pats should take Michael Thomas out of action, but everybody else has a plus matchup for Animal House, if not a plus plus matchup. Ryan against GB, Gronk against the terrible Saints D, Fitz against the Colts, and the Cards DST against Jacoby Brissett. Even McCaffrey might get into the end zone.

What's worse is that I should pile up points this week as well. Rivers will torch Miami, West could easily put up 15 against Cleveland, Amari should score on the terrible, terrible Jets, and the Steelers haven't been able to cover a slot receiver since the concept was invented, so Thielen could easily approach 20 points. The only question is do I start Martavis or DeSean? Whomever is benched will absolutely score 25 points and be the reason I lose.

A low-scoring win followed by a high-scoring loss will definitely help me decide whether or not my team is any good.

THE PICK: AH 108 - TDHGNM 94


THE NATIONAL RAZOR (0-1) vs. SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER (1-0)
So not only did Gary manage to avoid having David Johnson get hurt for him this year, he refused to toss in a 5th round pick with Ginn to get Allen Robinson and avoided that injury as well. Hmm. We'll see if that luck holds up, because he is going to be hitting the trade circuit soon in order to avoid his Week 5 problem. You see, in Week 5 Gary is going to have 5 players on a bye, plus Andrew Luck, who's on a permanent bye this season. Oh, and Woodhead will still be on IR then.

Gary's lineup that week is going to be Brady/Kamara/Smallwood/Cobb/Hilton/Garcon/Koo/PIT. If you're wondering, he plays McCamey that week. So he might actually be able to win that butt lineup. Point is, ignore all Gary trade requests for the next few weeks.

Anyway, we're getting ahead of ourselves. Let's talk about this week.

How in the HELL are you going to start T.Y. Hilton when he's facing Patrick Peterson and getting passes from a QB who's been with the team for a month? And how in the HELL does CBS figure he's going to put up 8.4 points? Hilton is going to have like 12 dang yards.

Gary, you might want to consider starting Ginn after the Pats showed they can't cover the deep ball last week. Just a thought.

That said, Brady is going to make up for boning Gary two games in a row. He might put up 30 here. Freeman should be huge, Cobb should score against Atlanta, and CJ and Sanders aren't horrible picks against Dallas. Steelers D could get lit up, though.

Oh hey, this matchup has both QBs from one game. Brees will get points for Tim for sure, and it's going to be hilarious when Coleman gets a goal line carry over Freeman. Jordan Howard is already banged up and missing practice, and...you know what? I don't think Kareem Hunt is going to score another 45 points this week. The Eagles front 7 is actually pretty decent and, uh, 45 points is a lot to score every week.

It was a great undefeated run, Tim. A whole week!

THE PICK: TNR 93 - SS 87


RUSSELLMANIA (0-1) vs. LITTLE BABY JESUS (1-0)
Here's something interesting. Odell said today that his ankle is 6-8 week injury. It happened in mid-August, which would have him back around Week 6. Assuming, of course, that he doesn't re-aggravate in rehab or practice or even his first game back, which never happens. Plus, the Irma bye stretched out Doug Martin's return to Week 5. Barker's big glamour season with all those picks and trades could over before it started. 0-5 would be a terrible waste for the best receiving cork in the league.

I assume Wilson will bounce back against the Niners, though nobody thought the Packers D was good before last week. The Seahawks might be the issue instead. Lamar Miller has an equally bad offensive line, Pryor is still learning how to catch, and I would absolutely start Diggs over Demaryius. Barker won't do it because I just said it, but I would. Allen and Julio should go off, though.

Oh, by the way, Paul Perkins is traaaaaaaaash. And without Odell there to stretch out a D? Oof. Forget it. Dude is losing carries to ORLEANS DARKWA.

Philly can probably slow Tyreek down a touch. Then again, maybe nobody can. Rodgers, Hogan, Marshawn, Jordy, the Raiders DST, and GIORGIO! all have fantastic, tremendous, amazing matchups.

THE PICK: LBJ 110 - RM 82


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (1-0) vs. TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (0-1)
Here's something else interesting. Jay Ajayi admitted today that he basically has a constant knee issue. Keep that in mind when Bri puts him on the trade block. He traded Arian Foster and essentially ended his career. He traded Odell and now that guy might not play this season.

The more I think about it - and read about it - the more I'm sure that Gurley is already washed up. He averaged like 2 YPC against a Colts team that is 3 weeks away from "Could Alabama Beat The Colts?" articles. Oh, and there's a 100% chance Ty Montgomery gets hurt if he's getting 20+ touches a game.

Still, Bri's whole team has nice matchups this week. Cam should get healthy against Buffalo, Montgomery will put up 17-20 on Atlanta, Crabtree and Baldwin should both score, and Baltimore is facing a rookie QB.

Hard Knocks was as boring as waiting in line this season, but Jameis was pretty interesting to watch. He's definitely smart, definitely calculating, and definitely country as hell. That doesn't mean anything here, but I was intrigued. I did see an interesting stat about the Chicago defense actually containing big passing games, and Jameis is known to get impatient. Plus, this is Tampa's Week 1 and we saw last week that offenses aren't ready yet.

Yeah, Fournette is the whole offense and also very good, but the Titans D is decent. Murray is aging in dog years and the Jags D is excellent. I read today that AB is the one single WR in the whole NFL that is matchup proof. It doesn't matter how good Xavier Rhodes and Minnesota are, nobody stops AB. Scott is starting a TE on purpose this week and it's Zach Ertz.

THE PICK: TKSMB 85 - TDHAF 71


ASSTANNER (1-0) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (0-1)
Larry is going to lose this game and drop to 0-2, and that's probably the closest he'll be to .500 for the rest of the season. But here's the silver lining. He'll probably be able to sell players for picks to the stooges who don't yet realize that 2018 is going to be the deepest draft in years, and then he'll be able to take extra picks to build around Mariota, Johnson, and Evans. It'll be nice. Problem is, the nice part is 11 months away.

I would start Kupp over Gore. Frank(ly), I'd start anybody over Gore. That's enough talking about Larry's team for this week.

Chris is going to be 2-0 and he won't yet have faced 100 total points against. Are we seriously starting this shit again? Meanwhile, he might not even score 60 this week. He might win with the 2nd-lowest total of the week. I mean...come on.

This is almost as frustrating as the fact that in Gooddell's NFL, you need to check the injury report and the court docket for weekly player updates.

Awful. Everything sucks.

THE PICK: AT 64 - TWR 51


WTTK? (0-1) vs. TNB (0-1)
I said Chris might have the 2nd-lowest total this week, but I forgot about these two teams. As we all should. Forget winning his game with 60 points this week, Chris could win this division with a 6-8 record. Look at this shit pile!

Actually, I have to take that back for a second. Barker is ALSO going to be 2-0 without facing 100 total points against. Dez will be shut down by Denver, and Barker will have to be...patient...for Burkhead to pay off that 2-year Night Boys contract, but Palmer, Cooks, and Gillislee all have great matchups.

Derek Carr will have a great game and that is IT for WTTK?

This whole fucking division should be contracted.

THE PICK: TNB 74 - WTTK? 50