And for some reason, there is not a good NFL highlights show on TV any more. ESPN only has SportsCenter since they sent Berman to a farm upstate and NFL Network - which was good in mornings and nights years ago - turned itself into the Chuckles and Bobo show.
Here is a real time breakdown of NFL Gameday Prime three weeks ago:
1m48s - Game highlights 5m38s - Talking 3m36s - Ads 2m02s - Highlights 3m29s - Talking 1m43s - Highlights
Of the 20 minutes I watched, less than 25% of the air time was game highlights. A huge part of those talking segments is just Deion FaceTiming some NFLer, ostensibly to talk about the game, but really just to say "Much love" a bunch. Plus, it's hosted by Chris Rose, who is like an experiment in which somebody combined Joe Buck and Dan Patrick and shittified output by 80%. It's a travesty.
So I'm flying blind here. Missing most of the games, unable to watch what happened later. It'll be a few more weeks before I settle in.
But for the moment, I need to be humble about what I do and don't know.
LITTLE BABY JESUS 82.8 - THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY 71.6 👎
I'll let you decide the funniest reason I lost this game. Is it because I paid $4.60 in cap space to roster both Rivers and Roethlisberger, who combined for 13.3 points? Is it because I started Rivers, who didn't even reach 2? Is it because I benched Sammy Watkins in a good matchup solely because I didn't want to start two guys on TNF? Is it Martavis letting a 75-yard TD pass slip right through his hands in the 1st quarter? Is it the Jaguars DST being tackled on a 3-yard line on a fumble return, and then on the 4-yard line on a fake punt? (Though I'm not 100% sure if I would get fake punt TD points.) Is it that the Raiders game flow set up perfectly to neutralize Lynch for LBJ, but Carr only looked at Cooper 3 times the whole game?
It might be the AJ Green trade. You see, Chris and I agreed to the trade in principle Thursday night, but I told I needed AJ to win this week and he didn't, so we'd execute the trade on Monday, barring injury. Friday morning, after Hyde's sweet game, I told Chris I was fine without AJ this week and pulled the trigger. Turns out, starting AJ over Buck Allen would've been helpful.
I have no idea what to make of my team right now. I think I'm good enough to scratch out a wild card, but this isn't a championship team. On the other hand, with proper lineup decisions, I would've scored 95 in Week 1 and 115 this week.
I'll tell you this, though. If I somehow lose to McCamey with a bad game next week and fall to 1-3, and my entire roster - except Martavis and Hyde - will have a big OPEN 4 BIDNESS sign on it. I'll tank the hell out of this season for 2018 picks.
Rodgers was held down a bit by a hungry Bengals team, as I predicted. Problem is, they held him down for 45 minutes, but their game went 65 minutes and he ended up lighting them up. The Panthers did make an effort to get McCaffrey going, which held down Stewart, but Hill, Carson, and Jordy all got in the end zone. Jordy did it twice, actually, and his last second TD sealed Semi's win. Chris Hogan was surprisingly active and scored 2 TDs on Semi's bench, but he ended up not needing them anyway.
THE NATIONAL RAZOR 104.3 - SCOTT DOESN'T HAVE ANY WINS 94.7 👍
Gary and Brian Barker should have to publicize their correspondence about the Younghoe Koo trade. I can only imagine the thrilling back and forth when Gary first asked for a 7th rounder, Barker said no, then Gary said a 12th rounder would be fair because that's when he was drafted this year. But he didn't want Terrence West, who Barker was going to cut because he had some amazing pickup in mind for this week. We all deserve to see these tremendous insights! Maybe I'll file a Freedom of Information Act request.
Speaking of trades, Gary came back to me again Friday about a WR trade for his Week 5 bye problem. I initially chuckled about his sudden interest in Sammy Watkins, and he chided me for being extra difficult so far this season and not taking his trade questions seriously.
I actually agreed with him and said, okay, let's do a trade. Cooper for Sanders + 5th rounder, the pick being a small token for the extra $0.50 in cap space I was taking on and because I was helping his lineup crunch.
Gary said it was a fair trade but turned it down because it was a coin flip which WR would be better be at year end. I said yes, but Cooper is playing in Week 5. That's what makes it a really good trade for you.
He brought up some foofaraw about Cooper being on the injury report with a knee problem. I said it was no issue, which was later vindicated by Amari being taken off the injury report that same day.
He still didn't like it, so I offered DeSean for Sanders straight up since they had similar cap numbers.
He said he didn't want to just trade for the sake of making a trade. I calmly pointed out that the purpose of the trade was his Week 5 bye problem.
That's where the discussion ended. I feel like the patience I showed during this ridiculous exercise totally made up for the difficulty I cause in the first two weeks. It's level.
Honestly, I think Gary got spooked by how quickly I offered up a simple deal. I think he figured I was trying to pull something.
Anyway, nobody trade a WR to Gary so he has to deal with his Week 5 lineup problem on his own. Especially because he will likely be 3-1 going into that game and will need an L.
How bad are the Browns that they got blown out by Indy? Forget garbage time points; Jacoby Brissett has only been on the team for a month and he lit them up? I guess congrats to Gary for sticking with T.Y. Hilton in the starting lineup. Finally paid off with 21.5 big points this week.
CJ lost carries to Charles this week, Cody Parkey was shutout, and Gary still hit triple digits because Devonta scored again and Brady continues to go wild. The Houston DST did slow Brady early like I thought, but he absolutely torched them in the 2nd half.
Emmanuel Sanders had 7.5 points.
Tough loss for Scott. He didn't crack 70 in the first 2 weeks, but he still lost after scoring 94.7. Jameis did struggle with turnovers against Minnesota like I mentioned, but DeMarco Murray's hamstring looked just fine on a 75-yard TD run. Scott might have pulled out an incredible win if it wasn't for Melvin Gordon injuring his knee in the first half and missing the rest of the game. Gordon had 80 yards and a TD before leaving.
Every position player Scott has found the end zone and he still lost.
ANIMAL HOUSE - RUSSELLMANIA 72.4 👍
Hard to tell which Russellmania prediction is looking better right now - that he'd score 71 points this week, or that his dream season could be over by Week 6.
One problem with having a deep receiving court, as I can tell you from the past few years, is figuring out who should start each week. It looks like Stefon Diggs should've started this week with his 29.3 points. Starting him against the Bucs secondary certainly would've been a better choice than starting Keenan Allen against the Chiefs. Only 6.1 points for Allen. Only 9.1 for Julio, who tweaked his back. Odell broke out with 2 TDs, and a did a dog pee celebration after the first one, which...okay?
Starting Matt Stafford against the Falcons make sense on paper. But if you look further down this paper, you see Russell Wilson on the bench with 31 points. BB did my favorite fantasy football move, something we all have done. A guy has two, maybe three bad games in a row, so you bench him and he goes off. The fact that Brian said himself last week that Wilson always starts slowly makes it that much more hilarious. That and the fact that he named his team after the guy he benched.
Lamar Miller sucks and Brian is going to be incredibly desperate for an RB right now. I bet somebody could land Odell or Julio if they tried.
Oh, and let's not overlook that outstanding -5.5 score from the Seahawks DST.
Le'Veon and Michael Thomas didn't break out with big yards, but they did both reach the end zone. Gronk fought through injury to score and it doesn't seem like he aggravated anything...for now. McCaffrey broke out with the yards, and Fitz and the...uh, I can't make Cardinals into a Tantrums pun whatsoever, so...Cardinals DST tacked on 20.9 victory lap points Monday night even though the win was official by dinner time Sunday.
Oh, speaking of Stafford and the Lions - sort of - not only did they lose out on a late TD, look at this video of their post-game meals outside of the locker room:
To make matters worse for the #lions. The food is on fire at Ford Field by the locker room. pic.twitter.com/aLFNDj4kc3— Evan Jankens (@KINGoftheKC) September 24, 2017
Is this woman not just unbelievably casual in the face of a ripping grease fire? I feel like I would not have handled this so casually. Maybe this is commonplace for her but we're just seeing video of it for the first time. Like, "Oh, the chicken's on fire again. I keep telling y'all not to put those paper plates in there but y'all don't listen."
SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER 106.8 - THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 67.2 👎
GodDAMN, Tim! Maybe this is the year he makes the playoffs. At minimum, it's the year in which he outscored Scott in Weeks 1, 2, and 3. Jordan Howard went off for 27.4 points just days after I called him a bad first round pick, and a week after everybody thought the Steelers had a good D again. Kareem Hunt had a 69-yard TD run that sealed the Chiefs win and ran up Tim's score. Brees even had a good game.
It's just one loss for Bri, and I always say that if I'm facing an opponent who goes off, I'm fine with having a down week to save my points for later. I mean, you don't want to be like Scott, all scoring his most points of the season and still losing because of T.Y. Hilton and Tom Brady.
Cam is really, really off, which is not helping his trade value at all right now. I mean, if he can't play well against the Saints, who can he score against? Not to mention the fact that both Olsen and Benjamin are gone for a while. Crowell did nothing at all against the hapless Colts, and I'd be surprised if Bri could get more than an 8th rounder for that $1.62 contract right now.
Naturally, I offered Bri Ben or Phil for Cam, Crowell, plus a token of gratitude. The cap hit evens out, and Bri frees up 2 contract spots for his other terrific, great, totally keepable players. He turned me down flat without even asking what the token would be. In fact, he was pretty rude and dismissive about the whole thing. I guess it's my own fault for opening myself up, making myself vulnerable, and trying to do a nice thing for somebody. Lesson learned, Bri!
Jay Ajayi scored 2.5 to follow up a solid game last week, which is exactly why nobody can tell if he is actually good. Ty Montgomery somehow only had 5 points in a game filled with offense.
On Thursday night, Gurley put up 32.5 points, and if you told me that Bri would end up losing this game after that, I...I...well, I would not have believed you.
ASSTANNER 102.9 - THE NIGHT BOYS 82.8 👍
Here's a story Barker might appreciate, given my famous proclivity for inventing nicknames and phrases. Great hits such as "Mitch Baywatch" and "Hairy Butt."
Last year, driving to our vacation, I told our girls our rental house was going to be totally amazing, which I shortened for Totes Maze. The girls HATED it. So, like a good dad, for a year, I kept saying things were Totes Maze. "Girls, we're going out for dinner tonight. The pizza at this place is...Totes Maze." They would yell at me. "No! Stop saying that!"
It was great.
So then one day, the girls are in the other room watching The Thundermans or Henry Danger or something and they come flying into the living room. "Daddy! Daddy! They just said 'Totes Maze' on TV!"
I had done it. I had willed another phrase into existence.
Anyway, Barker had his highest output of the season thanks to Chris Thompson and Brandin Cooks and still lose.
Which brings us to...
THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 55.9 - WTTK? 35.9 👎
Is it too early to start our annual This League Is Fundamentally Flawed Because Of The Head-To-Head Structure Dicker Fest? Because Larry just won a game with 55.9 points. He's 2-1 even though he's scored 55 twice in three weeks. The team he just beat scored thirty-fucking-five-goddamn-points. Thirty-five! McCamey's bench had 52! The WTTK? starting lineup would've lost to just Kareem Hunt in Week 1!
Derek Carr scored 4.4 points. It looked like Washington just singled up Josh Norman to the right, and then bracketed whatever receivers were to the left with a safety. Carr didn't look more than 5 years downfield the whole night. Cousins had 24.3 on McCamey's bench, which seems like a tragic mistake, except he still would've lost with those points. Of course, he would've won had he started Cousins and Joe Mixon. The Joe Mixon that McCamey insisted on holding on to because of Cincy's new OC. He was sure Mixon would get more chances. He was right. He still started JACQUIZZ RODGERS on the road against an outstanding Vikings defense over Joe Mixon and a new OC against a terrible Packers defense.
Larry was back and forth all week on Cutler vs. Mariota. He made the wrong choice. Fortunately for him, it didn't matter.
So, going back to the fundamentally flawed league thing for a second, let's wait three more weeks before kicking off that annual rite in earnest. But just be aware that Larry is 2-1 and Scott is 0-3, even though Scott has 43 more points so far. How did that happen? Because Scott has more than double the points against that Larry does.
The entire Central division is 37-60 against all teams in just 3 weeks.
No comments:
Post a Comment