Monday, November 30, 2009

WVFL Week 12 Review

THE NEV-R-WINS 78.48 - DEATHFROMABOVE 62.68

If another team had clinched a playoff spot after starting an inactive running back and their opponent, the highest-scoring team in the league only posted 62 points, I'd be raising so much hell that a Sarah Palin rally would seem calm and thoughtful in comparison. My God, would I be mad.

But for once, it was me and thus, I am angry at all. In fact, I was quite joyful. Besides, even inactive, Benson outscored Snelling by 1.2 points.


IRON CITY POUNDERS 109.40 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 95.14

I'll be doing a whole look at playoff scenarios this week, but this game had a lot of playoff implications. By winning, the Pounders took control of their own destiny. And they did it with Matt Ryan breaking his toe early on and putting up less than a point. Now all they have to do is find another QB before this week's crucial season close.

The main factor in this game was Driver vs. Jennings, and with Driver winning that battle 20.20 to 5.30, it really made for a perfect microcosm of the whole Packer season.

It's hard to believe somebody could've had Drew Brees this week and lost, but it's sort of Brees' fault since the Pounders had Colston.


TURD SANDWICH 130.70 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 108.36

Before the season, the Elbow was predicted to be epically, historically bad. As perhaps fitting a disappointing team, they disappointed and ended up being merely bad. Though it's probably all for the best, since Colts coach Jim Calhoun (No, wait! Caldwell!) consulted with Peyton Manning (I'm sure) and announced that the Colts would rest starters down the stretch after clinching the division in Week 12. Probably better off that Manning sitting won't hurt a WVFL playoff team.

The Sandwich sat Miles Austin, perhaps fearing that he would get Nnamdied. Instead, Austin ripped off 20.50 points, none of which the Sandwich actually needed, except for the Midway Pinball High Scorer of the Year Award, sponsored by Midway Pinball.


DOPPELGANGER 89.08 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 80.88

In Cowher's last year (thus far), the Steelers went into Cincy in Week 17. The Steelers were already eliminated, but the Bengals could get into the playoffs with a win. I distinctly remember seeing Hines Ward in pre-game warmup tell the camera that if we weren't going to the playoffs, they weren't either. Clint, apparently, feels the same way.

What Tony did in fantasy this week was equivalent to...nothing actually. The best I can come up with is that it's like he was watching TV, got up for something, ended up in the kitchen, forgot what he got up for in the first place, grabbed a Diet Rite and didn't remember he disliked Diet Rite until he sat back down and had three sips. He picked up Felix Jones to play instead of Matt Forte (the 5th overall pick), then forgot to start Jones. And even if he did start Jones, he still would've lost. Looks like Ben's concussion lost the game for two teams.


BROOKLINE BUCS 89.50 - PURPLE SWIRLS 82.08

Late season injury pickup and latest Caulen running back flirtation, Justin Forsett, had 25. The rest of the Swirls were not Scottish, and therefore, crap.

Don't look now, but Chris Johnson is actually a reasonable distance away from 2,000 yards. Terrell Owens caught a 60-yard bomb in the Bills game, and that right there was enough to give Scoot Henry the win.


WHIZ-BANG GANG 91.72 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 84.50

As the WBG takes the inside track on the Presidents' Trophy, let's take time to remember that the Titans were 13-3 last year. On a week when DeAngelo had 5, Beanie had 4.1, Shockey had 1.5 and Burleson had 4.6, how did the Whizzers pull out a win? Well, Green Bay played Detroit, and Rodgers and the Packer DST combined for 46.42.

Going into Monday night with Meachem, Welker and the Patriots DST, the Shruggz probably thought they had a decent shot. At least until Welker was tackled immediately after every catch and the Patriot defense was exposed as a Madoff-level fraud.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

WVFL Week 12 Preview

LAST WEEK: 3-3
SEASON: 40-26

When the turkey's in the brine and you are full of wine, that's amore. It's also a great time to do a weekly preview that is sure to be chockablock with typos. By the way, tomorrow we are having sausage stuffing. That's right, we're stuffing the damn turkey with sausage and bread. If you've never had sausage stuffing (unlike your wife, oh!) my recommendations are high.

THE NEV-R-WINS (6-5) at DEATHFROMABOVE (9-2)

In the middle of next week, I'm going to do a playoff scenario column, but it's entirely possible I could miss the playoffs with the second-most points in the league. And if that happens, you will NEVER hear the end of it.

Yahoo! seems to think I'm going to get my dick kicked off this week, and Cedric Benson missing games against Oakland and Cleveland isn't helping any. Although I'd like Yahoo! to explain how Jason Snelling is down for 16 points, but Bernard Scott only gets 7. Fuck off, Yahoo!

It seems like I'm going to end up in another deal where it's Monday night and I'm hoping my wide receiver can outscore the guy who throws to him. That failed last week and it'll probably fail this week.

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 101 - THE NEV-R-WINS 95


IRON CITY POUNDERS (5-6) at ST. A'S CRUSADERS (5-6)

Here's what I know about the Indy/Houston game this Sunday. Houston will lead for most of the game, then lose late. Here's what I don't know. How many points Addai will score. Or Slaton. But I do know that Hightower won't do junk against Tennessee and that it's a shame that Caulen didn't get to Rock Cartwright first.

Yahoo! already has Green Bay down as 26-0 winners at Detroit, so if that's what actually happens, look out.


THE PICK: ST. A'S CRUSADERS 89 - IRON CITY POUNDERS -81


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (3-8) at TURD SANDWICH (8-3)

This might be the first game all year in which the Elbow were favored, but why Yahoo! thinks Thomas Jones will put up 17 points on Carolina is beyond me. In fact, Carolina is going to win this game. Also, Nate is starting the Baltimore defense, thus rooting for Ben picks, thus being a terrible person.

Turd Sandwich is going to lose this game when Schaub throws a late pick and the -2 is just enough to give the Elbow the win.

THE PICK: THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 80 - TURD SANDWICH 79


FIREROCK ROCKERS (5-6) at DOPPELGANGER (2-9)

Clint has now turned his helmet logo upside down, making it official that he has too much time on his hands. I'm not wasting any more time on this crap game.

THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 90 - DOPPELGANGER 65


PURPLE SWIRLS (5-6) at BROOKLINE BUCS (4-7)

Both of these teams suck and it's getting late.

THE PICK: BROOKLINE BUCS 85 - PURPLE SWIRLS 84


WHIZ-BANG GANG (9-2) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (5-6)

THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 101 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 75

Monday, November 23, 2009

WVFL Week 11 Review

TURD SANDWICH 104.50 - THE NEV-R-WINS 97.00

On Monday, I tried to think of ways I could make up a 1-point deficit with Andre Johnson if Turd Sandwich had the guy who throws to Andre Johnson. Every scenario involved turnovers, gruesome injuries or both and none came to pass.

Somehow the Chargers put up 32 on Denver with Rivers only throwing for 145 and 1 touchdown. That probably hurt me a bit. That and Charger kicker Nate Kaeding scoring 15 points.

Fortunately, all the teams that could've caught me in the standings also lost, leaving The Nev-R-Wins in fourth place with two colossal matchups on deck.


ATLAS SHRUGGZ 107.34 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 101.72

Rex Ryan is supposedly some defensive genius and yet Wes Welker caught 15 balls on 17 throws for 192 yards. Even late in the game, Welker would line up in the slot and be facing a linebacker who couldn't even come close to covering him. How smart do you have to be to A, see the Pats have three receivers on the field and B, figure out that it's time to put a starting corner on Welker and nickel coverage on Edelman? Jesus Christ.

Also, remember back in August when everybody appointed Chicago to the Super Bowl because they got Cutler? Well, Cutler sucks and so does that defense. Nice one, everybody.

For the first time maybe all year, Jennings had a better game than Driver and that is what cost the Pounders the win here. That and Colston only posting 7.4 in a 38-7 romp.


DEATHFROMABOVE 116.30 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 102.28

DFA has the most points in the league, six wins in a row and they faced the fewest points total so far. Even Jason Snelling put up 20 points for them this week. I would like to take this time to reiterate that DFA definitely will not win the WVFL Cup this year because that is not how fantasy football works. That is all.

Drew Brees had 3 touchdowns on only 187 yards, which has to be one of the tightest ratios in the league this year. One TD for every 60 yards is odd. The Crusaders had to start Devin Hester, but they didn't get any bonus points for Hester showing the entire world his chocolate buns.


DOPPELGANGER 78.92 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 67.56

This was not nearly as exciting as Browns/Lions. Nate managed to have two players with negative points, which is really, really hard to do. Especially considering Devery Henderson did it on -2 receiving yards and not a fumble.

All of a sudden, Steven Jackson has returned to fantasy relevance, but completely under the radar because he's doing it for terrible teams. In the NFL, the Rams. In the WVFL, Doppelganger.


BROOKLINE BUCS 119.52 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 103.22

I think mathematically, the Bucs are still alive in the playoffs, but the math would take a big whiteboard, a lot of furious scribbling and a person with a mustache and terriblr social skills. A shame too, because they actually have the sixth-most points in the league. But giving up the second-most overall can really keep a team down.

The team that's seen the most points against this season, Firerock, really blew a prime opportunity to put a stake in a playoff claim. That'll happen when Steve Breaston has no catches and your first round pick that you refused to trade only puts up 7.40.

The Rockers face Doppelganger and Turd Sandwich to close the season, and if we know anything about this fantasy game, they'll lose to Doppelganger and beat Turd Sandwich, but it'll be too late.


WHIZ-BANG GANG 112.06 - PURPLE SWIRLS 107.54

The Swirls continued their four-week running back flirtation by putting in a waiver claim for Justin Forsett and then benching him because Ladell Betts had been with the franchise longer. By one week. Well, Betts got hurt 5 yards into the game, Forsett put up 14.9 and the Swirls lost by 4.5 points. Also, Joe Flacco has sucked ever since Caulen signed him. Look for the Swirls to continue their Anne Heche-like back carousel by picking up Jim Carryman, or whoever it is that will be running for Washington this week.

The WBG have won four straight and have the third most points in the league. It doesn't even matter that they won because Rob Bironas had two 50-yard field goals, which is a total fluke. In fact, Bironas' last-second 53-yarder won the game for both the Titans and the WBG, which had 107.06 as Bironas lined up his kick. But I'm sure they're for real.

Friday, November 20, 2009

WVFL Week 11 Preview

LAST WEEK: 2-4
SEASON: 37-23

Bad times for the picks last week. As Ben Roethlisberger can tell you, all the greats toss up a dud every once in a while. But as the guy who invented Silly Putty while trying to invent an explosive material that would kill lots of people observed, things usually bounce back. Like Alfred Nobel, who invented dynamite and then felt so bad about it that he tried to end wars throughout the world could tell you, sometimes it's up to you to atone for past misdeeds.

What does all of this have to do with anything? Nothing.


THE NEV-R-WINS (6-4) at TURD SANDWICH (7-3)

All season, like I was waiting in line at a deli, I patiently bade my time until I was finally rewarded with the #1 waiver slot. To the surprise of everybody, myself included, I used that lofty perch to nab Bernard Scott.

At least Scott is facing the Raiders, so he should be good for at least 75 yards. Rice and Holmes should be fine, but I'm slightly concerned about Moss against Revis and Johnson against Cortland Finnegan. Concerned like a...sorry, I just realized I already used up my metaphor quota for the week.

Luckily for me, the Miles Austin supernova burned fast and bright, Nnamdi will shut down Ocho, Grant is going nowhere against the Niners and the Chargers will put 11 in the box with Chris Simms starting at QB, crimping Moreno's points.

Steve Smith's useless touchdown won't hurt me after all!

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 90 - TURD SANDWICH 71


IRON CITY POUNDERS (5-5) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (4-6)

Matt Ryan, Hightower, Slaton and Jacobs have all been letdowns this season and this week will be no different. When the Pounders need 8 points from Slaton and Monday night and only get 7 in a 34-31 game, it will be high comedy indeed.

Jay Cutler's five-pick performance was enough to convince the Shruggz he deserved a start against a heavily-blitzing defense. I guess under the same logic a drunk driver uses after hitting a lightpost in the bar's parking lot. Probably only gonna wreck once, and that was it right there!

Maybe they were just so rattled by the Ronnie Brown season-ending injury that they've yet to recover. That would also explain picking up Robert Meachem. In fact, now that I think about it, the Shruggz are using opposing logic on Cutler and Meachem. Cutler had a terrible game last week, so he'll be good this week. Meachem caught a touchdown last week, so he'll be good this week. At least Peterson is getting the start this week.

Did you know that Dr. Lisfranc named the injury after himself? Why name the injury after yourself and not the cure? Same goes for you, Dr. Ricardo Aids.

THE PICK: ATLAS SHRUGGZ 75 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 74


ST. A'S CRUSADERS (5-5) at DEATHFROMABOVE (8-2)

Brees! Brady! Touchdown! Passes!

Yahoo! apparently doesn't think too much of interim coach Perry Fewell, as they've penciled in 24 points for Maurice Jones-Drew. They really don't think too much of Bruce Gradkowski, because a 15-point prediction for the Cincinnati defense is about the highest I've ever seen. They are basically guaranteeing either a shutout or a defensive touchdown for the Bengies.

Jamal Lewis says he's going to retire after this season, and when he's 50, he sure won't be thinking of the time in 2009 when he played in Detroit in front of 40,000 people.

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 199 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 89


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (3-7) at DOPPELGANGER (1-9)

The Elbow being 3-7 is as improbable as some 7-on-7 coed team from Laredo winning the Texas state high football championship. Brian Robbins is probably going to make a movie about this inspirational season. The middle of Act II will feature the time Tomlinson found out his wife was pregnant and ran for two touchdowns. Fun fact: LaDanian is married to La Torsha. That kid's name is going to be La______, of this I am certain.

You know, I just realized something. This game is going to suck.

THE PICK: THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 66 - DOPPELGANGER 65


FIREROCK ROCKERS (5-5) at BROOKLINE BUCS (3-7)

Two people scored for the Dolphins last night: Ricky Williams and kicker/folk singer Dan Carpenter. Roddy White is questionable and Matt Forte is terrible, but Ben has vowed vengeance this week for last week LeSean McCoy is the SoLo LoBo against a bad Bears team this week. Oh, and the Rockers have a 30-point headstart.

For the Bucs, Westbrook is out at least three more weeks with a severe brain injury and Dwayne Bowe is suspended for four weeks. Bowe, incidentally, was caught using a diuretic to lose weight. That, incidentally, came after Coach Haley criticized Bowe for being overweight in camp. That, incidentally, was our first heads up that Todd Haley is a complete dick.

THE PICK: FIREROCKS ROCKERS 100 - BROOKLINE BUCS 50


PURPLE SWIRLS (5-5) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (8-2)

Every week, I call out the WBG as a fraud and then they go out and win. It's like criticizing the latest Epic Movie and watching it make $30 million in the first weekend. I've given up on that Quixotic quest and I give up on this one too. Being smarter than everybody all of the time is exhausting! You wouldn't understand.

SO...the WBG will win easy this week.

THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 1,000 - PURPLE SWIRLS 90

Monday, November 16, 2009

WVFL Week 10 Review

I need to rededicate myself to this column and start putting in the effort again. Next week. Watching the Browns play offense sapped the life from me tonight.

THE NEV-R-WINS 104.84 - DOPPELGANGER 68.36

I don't know what Clint did to his team name, but making it upside down basically broke the internet. The Java of Stattracker can't handle the anarchist symbolism of the reverse best, so it now displays his name as ʇsəq. (UPDATE: I typed the weird character string that was displayed in Stattracker into this post and it displayed as the upside down best! Holy shit! It's like putting 55378008 into a solar calculator to spell boobless. I will now stop making fun of Clint before he empties my bank account.) How a guy that can make computers dance like this hasn't rigged a 10-0 team is beyond me.

In the beginning of a recurring theme this week, Clint could've won with the proper lineup, starting the very good Brandon Marshall instead of Coles, but at this point, what does it matter? The holidays are coming up and he has to make a snowball toss game for a client.


DEATHFROMABOVE 90-60 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 74.66

In a tragic turn of events, Maurice Jones-Drew taking a knee at the 1 yesterday to run out the clock did not cost DFA the win.

A potential tragic situation that also didn't matter was Marques Colston fumbling the ball at the goal line, which led to a touchback. The 8-point swing was ultimately meaningless in this matchup, but if you didn't see it, Colston was heading straight toward a Ram defender and tried to leap over him into the endzone. Problem was, the Ram was standing straight up and knocked the ball away from Colston. For the rotten cherry on a stink sundae, the Ram defender was standing so upright that Colston easily could've bowled him over. You see a lot of dumb stuff each week with the Sunday Ticket, I assure you.


TURD SANDWICH 78.50 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 75.52

Hey, guess what? That boneheaded high jump attempt by Colston did cost a team a win. If he pounds that in, Brees gets a TD throw and the Crusaders get 4 more points and a win.

Michael Turner got just enough before spraining his ankle, Ocho continued doing nothing against the Steelers and in January, we're going to look back and realize that 45% of Miles Austin's 2009 stats came in 3 games.


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 115.28 - BROOKLINE BUCS 112.50

Belichick's decision to shake his old, wrinkly balls at the country Sunday night decided three games: Pats/Colts, this one and the next one we'll get to. After the Pats turned it over on downs, the Colts marched down one-quarter of the field, Manning threw a TD, Nate got 4 more points and that sealed it.

The Bucs could've won if they had started Owens over Hines, but somehow I believe that Skip Henry would rather lose than start Owens over Hines. Chris Johnson, consider your 35 points straight wasted.


WHIZ-BANG GANG 99.96 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 87.56

And Manning's game-winning throw went to Reggie Wayne, putting the Cincinnati Whiz-Bengal Gang over the Rockers. Nate Burleson put up a 0, and I know for a fact he actually played in that game.

Matt Forte had only 41 rushing yards, but 120 receiving yards. So, at the same time, he is a bad back for Chicago, but also their best receiver. Why aren't they a better team? The Cincy flu kept Ben down and Dallas Clark was quintuple-teamed by the Pats. The Rockers got a remarkable 19 points from the kicker spot, but the problem is, they have two kickers and can only play one at a time. Why a team would have two kickers is a question for somebody else. Like TK, mainly.


ATLAS SHRUGGZ 73.80 - PURPLE SWIRLS 70.40

So the Shruggz forgot to get a QB who didn't have a bye this week, forgot to start the #1 overall pick and said in the smack booth that they forgot to set the lineup for all three of their teams this week. A, how does somebody who has three teams forget that football is played on Sunday, and B, how does that team end up winning?

The loss drops Caulen back to 8th, and if he ends up missing the playoffs, this will be one to think about. This matchup saw four different guys post 20+, but two of them were on the bench. Both of them were Vikings.

Guys, here's a tip. Get your players into the lineup when they're facing the Lions. Also if they're the #1 overall pick.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

WVFL Week 10 Preview

LAST WEEK: 5-1
SEASON: 35-19

The minutae of life is starting to interfere with the picks. Friday was a busy day at work, so I couldn't write. Last night, after dealing with yardwork and the kid, I decided I'd rather drink wine and watch Austin City Limits than make pithy picks. This morning, I am hungover on said wine, but with a stunning 35-19 record on the season, I gotta put something up here!

(Seriously, 35-19?!?)

THE NEV-R-WINS (5-4) at DOPPELGANGER (1-8)

I am going to win, even though Clint actually has a full lineup for this one. But it's going to be closer than I prefer thanks to Favre and Steven Jackson. If I'm leading after Sunday night, I will be sorely tempted to flirt with my good juju and bench Ray Rice Monday night in a type of victory lap.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 99 - DOPPELGANGER 91


IRON CITY POUNDERS (5-4) at DEATHFROMABOVE (7-2)

When the afternoon games finish, the Pounders will be up something like 85-60 and things will be looking great. Then Brady, Maroney and Stover will take the field in the evening game.

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 86 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 85


ST. A'S CRUSADERS (5-4) at TURD SANDWICH (6-3)

It gets a little tougher for the Crusaders this week, having to face a full lineup and all. It gets ven tougher when you realize Hester and Davis played Thursday and only put up 6 points.

I'm calling Carolina over Atlanta today, so limit Turner's points, Ocho won't score points for talking to Ike Taylor all day and Ryan Grant sucks this year.

If Belichick coached the Saints, Brees might throw 9 TDs today. But seeing as how Sean Payton has normal human emotions, he'll probably only squeeze off 4.

THE PICK: ST. A'S CRUSADERS 71 - TURD SANDWICH 69


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (2-7) at BROOKLINE BUCS (3-6)

In an unfortunate coincidence, the Raiders are also playing the Chiefs today. Games like that go one of two ways. A 10-6 punting clinic...or a 31-28 shootout decided in the last minute.

Andy Reid has said Westbrook and McCoy will rotate series, which is another awful decision by Andy Reid. Was a stopwatch counting down when he made that choice? Did he feel rushed? Yahoo! predicts an astounding 24 points for Chris Johnson. That is astoundingly outstanding.

THE PICK: BROOKLINE BUCS 90 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 85


FIREROCK ROCKERS (5-4) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (7-2)

The Rockers got a 16-point head start thanks to the Niners' complete inability to cover swing screens. It looked like the Bears were running those plays in practice, the way it was just Forte and a lineman in space.

In short, all of the matchups are good for Firerock and bad for the fraudalent WBG.

THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 99 - WHIZ-BANG GANG 81


PURPLE SWIRLS (5-4) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (3-6)

The Shruggz had the great foresight to bench Cutler before his Thursday night pickfest...but their other QB is Eli Manning, who has a bad. As bad as Cutler was, his 7 points are still better than 0. 75 minutes before kickoff and Chris Mortensen is reporting that the Shruggz have picked up Matt Cassel. Since Mort is reporting it, I know it's wrong.

On NFL Network, the remarkably cute and elfin Lindsay Soto is reporting that our league locked down waivers like we do every Sunday, so the Shruggz are screwed. Guess they're running the wildcat today.

So, Caulen, can you beat a team with no quarterback? Not no quarterback in the Raiders' sense, but literally no quarterback? Will Ladell Betts be the key after your affair with Ryan Moats fizzled out so quickly? And, like me, would you enjoy sex with Lindsay Soto?

THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 101 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 71

Monday, November 9, 2009

WVFL Week 9 Review

THE NEV-R-WINS 112.56 - BROOKLINE BUCS 74.96

Randy Moss' stiff arm on Vontae Davis pretty much summed up this one. If you missed it, Moss caught a crossing route, jammed Davis in the facemask with an open palm and trotted home for a 73-yard score.

Austin Collie did not stiff arm anybody in the face and only put up 2.6 points. Chris Johnson could've run for 315 yards instead of 135, and it still wouldn't have been enough.

The Nev-R-Wins came out of the bye week fiasco with their sixth 100+ point game in eight tries and seem like they should not be trifled with under most circumstances.


TURD SANDWICH 101.64 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 82.80

Matt Schaub put up a lot of points from somebody who was brutally awful in the first half and Miles Austin only had one catch and Antonio Gates dropped two easy first downs and Ocho is going to be suspended for life jokingly bribing an official and Knowshon had 3 yards rushing against the Steelers. All these bad things, and the Turds still ran away with it.

As I pointed out Friday, Jamaal Charles still has to run behind the line that could never spring Larry Johnson. Lots of things are entirely Larry Johnson's fault, but the weak Chiefs rushing game is not one of them. That is only partially his fault.


ST. A'S CRUSADERS 105.80 - DOPPELGANGER 53.80

Thanks to Tyrone Carter and the Steelers defense, it didn't matter, but I still want to bring this up. Doppelganger started Favre, Braylon and Steven Jackson, all of whom had byes. If he started Romo, Gore and Marshall - three guys SITTING ON HIS BENCH - he would've scored 101.78. Actually, it's a good thing Tyrone Carter scored that defensive TD, or else I'd be writing another 10,000 words about Doppelganger right here.

I'm glad I don't have to, because I play them this week and don't need the karmic sword of Damocles hanging over my head all week.

The Crusaders remind me of something I saw Thursday night at the Kings/Penguins game. The Kings have a "Hero of the Night" tribute before each game. A serviceman is introduced and gets to stand next to the anthem singer. During a break in the second period, they start talking about this sailor again and the crowd starts cheering. They cut to a shot of him in the stands and the crowd goes wild. The sailor stands...and then unfurls a towel that reads LET'S GO PENS. The crowd pauses for a second, wonders what to do when a hero betrays you, and then starts booing.

Like that brave sailor, the Crusaders took advantage of an opportunity that was presented to them.


WHIZ-BANG GANG 95.54 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 72.22

I guess I'm going to keep talking about it until people notice, but the WBG is a fraud. Just like I'm going to keep saying Andy Reid is an idiot until everbody notices. WHY ARE YOU CHALLENGING THE SPOT IF YOU'RE GOING FOR IT ON FOURTH DOWN ANYWAY?!?

Every week, two players seem to go off for the Whizzers and it's two different guys every week. Eventually, none of their players will have a 77-yard touchdown, and they will get crushed.

Antonio Bryant didn't play this week for some mysterious reason. This is a little convoluted, but...if Nate dropped him for Chris Chambers, then dropped the Bears defense (facing a high-octane Cardinals team) for a defense like Tennessee or Cincinnati...he would've won.


PURPLE SWIRLS 111.70 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 79.32

TK putting up his lowest total of the season so his son could win and stay in the playoff hunt is fishier than George W. being handed control of an oil company with no experience in anything.

Though unlike GWB, who ran Arbusto into the ground because he couldn't find oil in Texas, Caulen won this game on his own. Fitzgerald continued his trend of huge games when Boldin is out and Mike Sims-Walker put up 20 points of his own.

Ryan Moats fumbled going out of bounds at the 1-yard line late in the first half, and even though he scored a touchdown later, he basically gave his job right back to Steve Slaton.


DEATHFROMABOVE 96.68 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 71.84

DeSean Jackson has something like six touchdowns of 50+ yards this season, but he only had 2.9 this week. That counts as a minor upset.

Mike Wallace scored 13.2 points and pretty much cemented Limas Sweed's roller coaster ride from steal of the draft to bust of the year.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

WVFL Week 9 Review

LAST WEEK: 2-4
SEASON: 30-18

THE NEV-R-WINS (4-4) at BROOKLINE BUCS (3-5)

Although it would be like me to lose this one and end up with the same record as a team with a 100 fewer points, I'm not too worried about. Skip Henry hasn't changed his anti-smack post from last week, and it's probably more fitting for this matchup. My main concern is the the Baltimore-Cincinnati doesn't end up 10-7, since I have both backs in that game. But I picked up John Carlson as a fill-in TE this week, and I'm sure he's dying to stick it to Scott Henry one last time. One last breakup screw.

The Niner defense isn't as easy to stretch out as the Jaguars, so it's unlikely Chris Johnson will more more 115-yard touchdown runs this week.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 110 - BROOKLINE BUCS 78


IRON CITY POUNDERS (5-3) at TURD SANDWICH (5-3)

Seems like every week now we have two first place teams squaring. Although with five teams currently tied for the top spot, maybe this one isn't so special. Plus, how can any game with Jamaal Charles involved be special? I know he inherited the starting job by default, but that starting job is still in Kansas City.

Turd Sandwich might be holding on to that Jets defense through the bye week because, hey, it's better to start no defense than drop Tashard Choice. I guess. Despite Roy Williams' thoughts on the matter, Miles Austin is the #1 receiver in Dallas, but Philly should bottle him up. Steve Smith is still the #1 receiver in Carolina, but that's more of an honorarium at this point.

Between Ryan, Gonzalez and Turner, the Redskin defense is going to have a lot to say about who wins this one.

THE PICK: TURD SANDWICH 75 - IRON CITY POUNDER 70


ST. A'S CRUSADERS (4-4) at DOPPELGANGER (1-7)

Here's what's interesting about Doppelganger. Favre, Braylon and Steven Jackson all have a bye this week, which looks bad for them. But sitting on the bench ready to play are Gore, Romo and Brandon Marshall. This team has a lot of name players, but the fewest points and wins.

Seems weird. A little too weird. You know what? I'm calling this one for the Doppeldogs*.

*Depends on Clint actually changing his lineup for the game.

THE PICK: DOPPELGANGER 100 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 90


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (2-6) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (6-2)

About the most interesting in this game is the teams' inverse records, so I'm going to use them to predict an inverse game. The end.

THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 98 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 89


FIREROCK ROCKERS (5-3) at PURPLE SWIRLS (4-4)

Kress relatives play each other in our league about as often as two first place teams do, so I don't think the entire family is gathering to watch this one. Caulen won the Ryan Moats waiver wire race, but will ultimately lose when Moats doesn't score three more TDs all season. He also doesn't have a TE this week because he'd rather have two defenses on his roster. To each his own.

The Rockers have three inconsistent backs and one rookie receiver who is a complete all or nothing propostion each week.

THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 88 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 80


DEATHFROMABOVE (6-2) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (3-5)

I have to take the kid to gymnastics right now. No time for pithy analysis.

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 121 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 75

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

WVFL Week 8 Review

WHIZ-BANG GANG 98.38 - THE NEV-R-WINS 81.66

The WBG's 6-2 record couldn't be any more fraudalent if it was based in Nigeria. And wasn't Reggie Wayne supposed to be hurt or something?

Justin Fargas was almost the bye week FA pick up of the century, but unfortunately for the Nev-R-Wins, Felix Jones most definitely was not. Neither was Josh Scobee, who actually had a PAT blocked and only netted 1 point.


IRON CITY POUNDERS 79.76 - DOPPELGANGER 73.44

Caulen pointed out that a late Mike Bell fumble cost Doppelganger a shot at a win. It also cost a lot of people a Saints -10 cover in their betting pools. People like me. But what mainly cost Clint a win here was benching Steven Jackson, who had 22 points, compared to Bell's 2 and Lance Moore's 1. Why somebody would bench their FIRST ROUND DRAFT PICK against the Lions is a mystery that will never, ever be solved, not even if Clint told us personally why he did it.

The Pounders beat a team that benched their first round draft pick against the Lions by scoring 79 points to move to 5-3. Congratulations. That will certainly soothe the sting of Steve Slaton putting up -0.9 and possibly losing his job.


BROOKLINE BUCS 100.78 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 87.70

The giving up on fantasy football hypothesis has already graduated to a theory, and with the Bucs' big win this week, it's on the verge of becoming law. On Friday last, Scoot Henry wrote "Good lord, I'm going to get smoked" in his smack talk window, that being the very antithesis of smack talk. He then went out and pinned up 100 points, even with starting Heath Miller on a bye and Brian Westbrook, who was declared out of the game sometime last week. The 40 points from Chris Johnson had a lot to do with it. I recommend the rest of you give up as soon as possible.

Shame that the Crusaders wasted the first good game from Greg Jennings.


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 90.68 - THE PURPLE SWIRLS 72.60

Another strategy teams should consider is not starting a tight end and playing at least one guy ruled out due to injury. The Elbow also did that this week with Winslow and Manningham and also won. 26 defensive points and one last blast from The Bullet Train carried the day.

35 Monday night points from Pierre Thomas and the Saints defense put some window dressing on this one, but it was never really close after 1:01pm Sunday.


FIREROCK ROCKERS 99.46 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 68.28

Hey, everybody! It's Matt Forte! Where have you been, man? The party started eight weeks ago.

Three guys showed up to play for the Shruggz and the rest were basically useless. Look for super producers Manning, Peterson and Celek to go on strike next week in protest, punishing the world by removing their contributions from society.


DEATHFROMABOVE 111.96 - TURD SANDWICH 90.52

Well, now we know who has the best team in the league. At this point, all I can do is reiterate my prediction that DFA definitely will not win the title.