Monday, December 28, 2009

WVFL Super Bowl Review

THIS WEEK: 1-0
SEASON 50-32

First of all, I already spoke with Visanthe Shiancoe and told him there was no need to show up the Whiz-Bang Gang and outscore the Minnesota defense when we had the game in hand. As a punishment, I sprayed him in the face of a bottle of champagne, then let him drink the remaining third bottle. But it was Andre pink champagne. Real dog stuff.

I find it all too appropriate that after I called the WBG fraudalent frauds all season they limped to 59.68 points in the big game. As I told Larry on the phone Sunday - after I asked him how the underside of my glans looked - it was bad luck that Rodgers was so good against Seattle that he got pulled early. And it was further bad luck that he was relying on Josh Cribbs and Beanie Wells.

That said, a stat line of 2 catches, 8 yards, 2 touchdowns for Randy Moss is useful in fantasy life, though not entirely impressive. Fortunately, Moss added another 37 yards and a third touchdown to not humiliate me.

All in all, this game was won on draft day. My first seven picks - Johnson, Moss, Rice, Rivers, Benson, Holmes, Shiancoe - combined for 106.16 points in the title game. Shades of The Emperor in 1974 pulling Swann, Lambert, Stallworth and Webster out of the pile. Oh, and Jimmy Allen.

In contrast, The Whiz-Bang Gang's first seven picks - DeAngelo Williams, Wayne, Rodgers, Larry Johnson, Roy Williams, Jamal Lewis, Cotchery - combined for 17.38 points in the final, mainly because most of them were long cut.

When I saw Brian Brohm would be getting his first career start for the Bills, I merrily picked up the Falcons defense and rode the inevitable defensive touchdown to another 21 points. Yes, my incredible football acumen has finally been rewarded after a WVFL career that has seen me finish 11th, 7th, 8th (out of 10) and 9th the last four times out.

Now I can turn my attention back to hockey, where my situation at the goalie situation borders on ridiculously pathetic. As I posted on the league message board, there are two ways to get your remittance to me and we'll see you all back here next fall.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

WVFL Super Bowl Preview

LAST WEEK: 2-0
SEASON: 49-32

It's Christmas Eve and a few traditions are continuing unabated in the Krogmann household. It's A Wonderful Life is on, I've already consumed a large bottle of Belgian beer and my wife is wrapping presents by herself since I'm utterly unable to wrap presents without needing to patch up big gaps with extra paper.

Writing a fantasy football preview is a new twist, though.

By the way, nobody is ever going to care for two seconds, but going 17 games over .500 picking NFL games would be impressive. Going 17 games over .500 picking fantasy football may be better than actually winning the title. I mean, seriously, who could do that?


THE NEV-R-WINS (10-5) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (12-3

In August, it struck me than NFL backs were beyond random for fantasy purposes and with the passing game taking over for the running game as the dominant approach, maybe opening the draft back-back was no longer the way to go. Of course, lots of other people thought this as well and I also told people that if I got the #2 pick, I was taking Matt Forte.

But I didn't get the #2 pick. I was on the phone with Nate and pixie dream girl employee for the pulling of the draft order when I heard my team name called first...meaning I was picking last. After half-considering dropping out of the league, I began analyzing which backs might be available at the 12 spot. I didn't want Frank Gore ever again after what he did to me 2 years ago. I didn't trust Steve Slaton to repeat last year. I knew Brandon Jacobs sucked. (Amazingly, he went 9th overall.) Kevin Smith played for Detroit, Marion Barber wasn't great...about the only back I seriously considered at 12 was Ryan Grant, because I thought the Packers were going to be really good.

So I ended up taking Andre Johnson and Randy Moss, then basically lucked out with Ray Rice and Cedric Benson. Even though I was targeting them as later round backs, let's be honest, if those two don't pan out, I'm probably going 4-10 in a 13-game season. And now here I am in the title game for the first time ever, boring the hell out of everybody. Sounds about right. Did I ever tell you guys about the time I hit a par 5 in 2 shots?

On another note, next year, with our league's crazy scoring, I might draft QB-QB. Did you realize that Jay Cutler, in the midst of an historically bad season, is the 22nd highest-scoring player in our league. Or that DeSean Jackson, having an historically explosive season, is only the 25th? Or that 12 of the top 15 highest scorers are QBs? Hell, Jason Campbell has more points than Andre Johnson, the only receiver to crack the 200 mark. It might be time to change passing to 50 yards a point.

Okay, now that the traditional three-hour pregame gabfest is over, let's talk about the actual Super Bowl.

Aaron Rodgers, the #1 scorer in our league, is certain to put up points against a terrible Seattle team this week, but Whiz-Bang Gang first rounder and #6 overall pick DeAngelo Williams is most likely out. That leaves Beanie Wells in at running back, but at least Arizona is playing St. Louis. And for the second week in a row, Larry has to silently root for somebody to torch the Steelers, this time Derrick Mason. Too bad Mason's beard is older than his quarterback. With Darrelle Revis likely to blanket Reggie Wayne, Peyton will be more than happy to throw the ball to somebody you've never heard of, like Blankanian DeMaurice, the only wide receiver in league history to wear #62.

The Nev-R-Wins have cracked 100 in both playoff games in four of the last six and ten overall. This is a high-powered offense, especially now than Randy Moss is mad at fat sportswriters. Rice won't run for many yards on the Steelers, but backs who catch dump off passes can always rack up yards and points on us. And the only thing that would slow down Cedric Benson against Kansas City would be be dumb old Larry Johnson. But Johnson has no connection to Chris Henry and won't be nearly as inspired, right?

In the end, I have always been great at fantasy football, but this is the first year I'm actually proving it. I could tell you why, but I don't feel like it.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 101 - WHIZ-BANG GANG 88

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

WVFL Conference Championship Preview

We'll cover this more in the Super Bowl preview, but the printer at Whiz-Bang Gang headquarters is in danger of overheating as GM Larry Schacht prints out all of the bulletin board material I've given them over the last two months.

THE NEV-R-WINS 107.42 - TURD SANDWICH 95.58

Let's address the elephant in the room right up front. His name is Packy D. Erm.

"Packy, is it true that if Turd Sandwich started Steve Smith, they would've won this game?"

"No, you're the dummy!"

"Jesus Christ, Packy. Blow your moment in the spotlight a little harder."

Here's the beauty of fantasy football. You put a good team together, you play hard all year, you pencil in Steve Smith as your fles starter all week, you hear Michael Turner is a surprise starter Sunday morning, you put in Turner, you lose. That's all there is to it. Fantasy football truly is the sweet science of kings.

Andre Johnson has about 370 yards and 53 fantasy points in the last two weeks, Philip Rivers is garnering MVP talk and Ray Rice apparently can't be tackled. These are all good things for me.


WHIZ-BANG GANG 140.62 - DEATHFROMABOVE 124.50

For the second time in two weeks, the team with the 2nd-highest weekly score was bounced from the playoffs. And apparently you can get rusty in fantasy football, because both bye teams were ejected this week.

It doesn't help that DFA was outscored by 30 at the QB spot, continuing Tom Brady's disappointing year. Going into Buffalo and posting 7.3 probably sent DFA back to Babies R' Us to return that bottle warmer they bought. Jackson, Jackson and Jackson-Drew had tremendous weeks, but all for naught.

You would think that Larry would feel a little dirty rooting for Rodgers to keep the fireworks going on the Steelers, but then you wouldn't know Larry very well. He can sell out any long-time favorites at the drop of a dime.

By the way, Larry was considering starting DeAngelo Williams until I talked him into playing Wells instead. The difference between Wells' 17 and Williams' 1 is why the Whiz-Bang Gang won. If I lose to this team in the finals, I will probably recall that conversation a few times in the spring.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

WVFL Conference Championship Preview

LAST WEEK: 1-1
SEASON: 47-32

Although it's half a bitch move, like agreeing to pick up a friend at the airport then showing 45 minutes late, I'm writing this preview after two games have been played. And it's gonna be short. Perhaps it's three-quarters of a bitch move.

THE NEV-R-WINS (9-5) at TURD SANDWICH (10-3)

I am on the cusp of the best football season of my life. I'm in a four-man confidence pool where the winner gets dinner at a place of his choice and I have such a big lead that I've already picked a place. I'm also currently in first place in a betting pool that pays out $2760 for first and I'm in the fantasy playoffs for the first time. In other words, something has to give. After seeing Miles Austin post 19.9 points tonight, I think it might be fantasy.

I am legitimately debating starting Arian Foster over Randy Moss tomorrow. Not only would that put four Texans in my lineup, it would have me starting Arian Foster over Randy Moss. On the other hand, Moss is pulling a seven-eighths bitch move lately and the Rams cancelled practice twice this week because of swine flu.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 97 - TURD SANDWICH 95


WHIZ-BANG GANG (11-3) at DEATHFROMABOVE (10-3)

It must be frustrating to post 19.2 points on Thursday and still be trailing. On the other hand, it must be frustrating to 26 points on Thursday and not be way out in front.

Amazingly, the marquee matchup of Reggie Wayne versus MoJoDo Thursday could be trumped by the Monday night under-under-undercard of Fred Davis versus Quinton Gather. Come Tuesday morning, whoever loses this one will be angrily gnawing an Egg McMuffin while cursing a heretofore unknown Redskin.

THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 81 - DEATHFROMABOVE 78

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

WVFL Wild Card Review

THE NEV-R-WINS 124.58 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 104.34

I feel bad that the Shruggz scored 104 and lost in the playoffs when another team scored 85 and won in the playoffs, but not as bad as I would've felt if I lost because Randy Moss fumbled, then quit and posted a -0.4 for the week.

#1 overall pick Adrian Peterson scored two touchdowns and 25.70 points...and was the THIRD best player in this matchup. Andre Johnson caught a 68-yard TD on the first play of the game and kept going until he had another 130 yards and another TD, and Ray Rice ran through Detroit with minimal resistance. In fact, Johnson, Rice, Tennessee and Garrett Hartley alone could've beaten the Whiz-Bang Gang this week.


WHIZ-BANG GANG 85.20 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 78.46

Like a marketing VP who doesn't know anything about marketing, his company or his clients and yet keeps rising up through the ranks, infuriating his coworkers who long for day that this fraud will be exposed as such, the WBG just keep winning. We'll see if Carolina missing both of their starting tackles hampers DeAngelo Williams this week.

The Pounders could've pulled off the upset if Tim Hightower could've managed just 6.35 points Monday night. One 12-yard reception and 52 rushing yards and he's there. Alas, he fumbled early on and was benched for the rest of Arizona's drubbing, allowing the Whiz-Bangers to move on to the next round, even though they don't deserve it at all. The WBG forgets your name, so they call you Champ in the elevator.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

WVFL Wild Card Preview

LAST WEEK: 4-1
SEASON: 46-31

I managed to go 4-1 with the picks last week, mainly because I forgot to pick the Bucs/WBG matchup. Good one!

As usual with the playoff previews, we will be completely ignoring the consolation/self-esteem bracket, even though TK is still making roster moves in a completely adorable fashion.


THE NEV-R-WINS (8-5) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (6-7)

I am 90% certain that this is the first time I made the fantasy football playoffs and I don't know if I should cry or wind my watch. And what better way to be introduced to the playoffs than having to face Adrian Peterson in your first game? My other two concerns are Benson facing the Minnesota defense and Andre Johnson possibly having Rex Grossman at QB. Grossman will start if Schaub's nearly dislocated shoulder is too painful, though a dislocated shoulder doesn't necessarily make you a worse QB than Rex Grossman.

If it comes down to Monday night, it's going to be Boldin vs. Rackers and that's a weird matchup for me. But if I lose to the playoffs to the likes of Fred Jackson and Robert Meachem, I could hardly count that as a surprise.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 105 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 81


IRON CITY POUNDERS (6-7) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (10-3)

A few weeks ago, the WBG was so certain of a bye that they booked a non-refundable team vacation to Atlantis resort in the Bahamas. Not only did the hotel keep the deposit, they sold the block of rooms this afternoon on Expedia for $199 a night, getting paid twice for the same rooms. Go Atlantis!

Now the WBG actually has to play a cold weather game with a gimpy DeAngelo Williams and a backup Chester Taylor instead of drinking 64-ounce peacharitas. They were on top just a few weeks ago, now they'll be bounced from the tournament by a team that will reach .500 with a playoff win. Such is life.

The WBG should bench Taylor and start Beanie Wells just so this game can come down to Monday night and Alex Smith, Hightower and Wells. That steaming pile would be most representative of this game in general.

THE PICK: IRON CITY POUNDERS 87 - WHIZ-BANG GANG 81

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

WVFL Week 13 Review

It's all over but the crying. And also the playoffs.

THE NEV-R-WINS 115.32 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 69.10

My prediction of this being the blowout of the week came to pass, but the part about the Pounders missing the playoffs did not. By 6.09 points.

Yes, Alex Smith having a flukishly good 20-point game is what put the Pounders into the playoffs. Think about that, why don't ya?

My goal of finishing with the #1 point total and the #4 playoff total got an Incomplete grade, and the new experience of actually making the playoffs left me so confused that I forgot to print up commemorative apparel and merchandise.


ATLAS SHRUGGZ 122.74 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 96.06

A four-game losing streak in the middle of the season wasn't enough to keep the Shruggz out of the playoffs, as they won when they needed to. And in spectacular fashion, to boot. Sure, Adrian Peterson had 6.5 points and Robert Meachem had 26.20 (including 6 on that fumble strip from a defensive back he ran in), but a win is a win.

The Crusaders had enough points to get into the playoffs, but not enough wins. Had they won this game, they'd be playing with their fantasy lineup this Thursday instead of their ding dongs. I'm sure Marion Barber's 2.3 points in this key game won't cause much offseason consternation.


DEATHFROMABOVE 97.38 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 84.90

Facing the Elbow, DFA is basically treated to two bye weeks going into the playoffs. Must be nice. And this new "Just throw it up to Calvin Johnson" offense in Detroit might go a long way in those playoffs.

The takeaway for the Elbow this year is that Tomlinson got just good enough at the end of the year to make him a tempting 2nd round pick next season. Playing up there in Seattle? Oh man, he'll be revitalized!


TURD SANDWICH 133.58 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 91.32

One team that didn't back into anything was Turd Sandwich, which posted the most points this week, thereby clinching the Presidents' Trophy. Ryan Grant had 4.10, making him the only Turd not to post double digits. Which makes him an actual turd.

TK has to live with the knowledge that he would've made the playoffs if he won this game, but he can be soothed with the knowledge that he had no chance of winning this game. And also that he won two separate baseball legues this year. Even though nobody cares about baseball.


PURPLE SWIRLS 109.34 - DOPPELGANGER 72.90

The Swirls gave it their best, but I guess their best wasn't good enough. Caulen played running back roulette this season and went bankrupt.

Clint was the only person to not crack the thousand-point mark this season and somebody should give him a plaque or something for that. Though I have a sneaking suspicion he's going to hack Yahoo and put his team into the playoffs. Don't think Yahoo! can be hacked? Think AGAIN.


BROOKLINE BUCS 79.50 - WHIZ-BANG GANG 63.32

For about a month now, I've been calling the WBG the fraudiest fraud that ever fraud and Larry has been responding to me with an increasing amount of vitriol. The spittle flying reached a crescendo last week, when the WBG seemed certain of clinching a bye. Things have quieted down this week for some reason. But you hire Bill Cowher to run your team, you have to know the regular season might be your high point.

Of the 63 points the WBG managed to puke up this week, 39 came from Rodgers and Mendenhall. I wouldn't make those reservations for Miami just yet.

Skip Henry has already himself pointed out that if he started Warner over Palmer this week, he would've made the playoffs. And as we all know, when Brookline makes the tournament, they go to the big dance. Oh well. At least he has...some...other...interest or something to fall back on.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

WVFL Week 13 Preview

LAST WEEK: 2-4
SEASON: 42-30

The picks have gotten progressively worse as the season has gone on and I've spent less and less time actually thinking about them. I'm sure what will help this week is having a bunch of projects to do around the house and the holidays approaching and Usain Bolting these picks.

THE NEV-R-WINS (7-5) at IRON CITY POUNDERS (6-6)

I wrote a way-too-involved playoff preview this week and even I forget what the Pounders have to do this week to make the playoffs. Pretty sure they have to at least win, except Yahoo! hates their chances.

If this was real life, I'd be benching my stars since I can't improve or worsen my playoff position. But this is fantasy life, and I really want to have the most points this season so I can not win the title and then complain ad nauseum about how dumb fantasy football is.

Steve Slaton has been ruled out, I think Jamaal Charles has as well and Alex Smith is still not that good. In other words, goodbye playoffs, hello Toyota blowout of the week.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 125 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 55


ST. A'S CRUSADERS (5-7) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (5-7)

This game is the guaranteed screwgy for the playoff hopefuls, since it guarantees at least two teams will be at least 6-7. Crabtree and Avant aren't as good as Welker and Boldin, so let's put the Shruggz at 6-7

THE PICK: ATLAS SHRUGGZ 90 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 84


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (3-9) at DEATHFROMABOVE (9-3)

This game has absolutely no meaning except the absurd. The Elbow is trying to lock up the penultimate spot in the standings, and DFA doesn't want to drop another turd bomb, thereby blowing a bye week. Actually, I guess the bye week thing carries a lot of meaning, now that I think about it.

Let's just go ahead and give them the bye.

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 97 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 79


FIREROCK ROCKERS (5-7) at TURD SANDWICH (9-3)

Now here's a game with some meaning! So I'll use this space to talk about myself instead. I usually write on a PC, but tonight I'm borrowing a MacBook because our home wireless is screwy. And it's like driving a manual car in England. The same thing ultimately, but everything is different. Control-B and Control-I don't do shit, and this thing where you can massage the touch mousepad and make the screen shrink or grow is driving me crazy. I hate people who insists that Macs are better just because...well, just because. All I ever hear at work is designers cursing because Photoshop just crashed on their Mac. Fucking Macs.

THE PICK: TURD SANDWICH 79 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 77


PURPLE SWIRLS (5-7) at DOPPELGANGER (3-9)

Caulen is using the smack window to try and convince Clint that Gore is out this week. The thing is, that could actually work because Clint has no idea where to find football news, but it won't work because Clint only checks the WVFL site once a week, on Wednesdays.

So could the statisical and theoretical worst team in the league trip up Caulen and keep him out of the playoffs? Could the Swirls finish two games out of the playoffs because 2 of the 4 Doppelganger wins came against the Swirls? Maybe.

I don't know. But I do know this. If you told somebody back in August that they needed to win in Week 13 to make the playoffs and their starting QB would be Vince Young, they would be skeptical at best.

And while I'm making predictions, how about this one? Steven Jackson has 130 yards and 2 touchdowns as the Rams upset the Bears 20-14? It would only complete the allegory. A terrible team upsets a team everybody thought would be good back in August, a team with unexpected quarterback troubles (Swirls drafted McNabb, Bears trades for Cutler) goes flailing and nobody except me sees it coming. God, I'm fantastic.

THE PICK: DOPPELGANGER 106 - PURPLE SWIRLS 90

Thursday, December 3, 2009

WVFL Playoff Picture

First comes Thanksgiving and then Christmas. In between, a new American holiday, Week 14 of the NFL season. Which is also...opening week of the fantasy playoffs. There's no traditional meal (yet), but the drinking is just as hearty and so is the mirth.

Unlike last year when something like ten teams had a shot at five playoff spots, the WVFL playoff picture is 66.6666666666666666666666666666666666667% solidified already, with four teams having clinched berths. (Yes, it's berths, not births. I think it has something with the preponderence of rail travel before the the '50s, as rooms on rail cars were called berths. You can call me Mikipedia now.)

But just because only two spots are left doesn't mean we don't have some hot, hot action. In fact, only The People's Elbow and Doppelganger have been formally eliminated, although anti-asterisks do not appear next to their names in the standings.

SO! Who needs what to happen when to end up where? Let's find out.

ELIMINATED

The People's Elbow and Doppelganger

  • I just told you. Though you may be stunned to learn that the two last place teams actually have the fewest points as well. And you'll definitely be stunned to learn that the Elbow has a 90-point lead on Doppelganger for avoiding the Ex-Presidents' Trophy.

BYE WEEKS

Whiz-Bang Gang

  • Clinch home field advantage (a server farm in South Bangalore) with a win.
  • Or if either Turd Sandwich or Deathfromabove lose.
  • Or if they lose and both TS and DFA win, but WBG outscores DFA this week by 5.09 or TS by 20.01.

Turd Sandwich

  • Clinch a bye with a win and a DFA loss
  • Or a loss, a DFA loss and DFA does not outscore TS by more than 14.92
  • Or a win, a DFA win, a WBG loss, DFA does not outscore TS by more than 14.92 and WBG does not outscore TS by more than 19.99.

Deathfromabove

  • Clinch a bye with a win and a TS loss
  • Or a loss, a TS loss and they outscore TS by more than 14.92
  • Or a win, a TS win, a WBG loss and WBG does not outscore them by more than 5.09
  • Or a win, a TS win, a WBG loss and they outscore TS by more than 14.92

WILD CARDS

The Nev-R-Wins

  • Clinch #4 seed with a win or an Iron City Pounder loss
  • Or a loss, an ICP win an ICP does not outscore them by more than 100.07 points.

Iron City Pounders

  • Clinch a playoff spot with a win
  • Or a loss and a Rockers loss, Crusaders/Shruggz loss, Bucs loss and Swirls loss
  • Or a loss, a Rockers win but they outscore the Rockers by more than 67.91.
  • Or a loss, a Rockers win, the winning Crusaders don't outscore them by more than 12.44 or the winning Shruggz don't outscore them by 47.12, a Bucs loss or a Swirls loss
  • All the above, plus the winning Bucs don't outscore them by more than 16.48 or the winning Swirls don't outscore them by more than 66.34

Firerock Rockers

  • Clinch a playoff spot with a win if the winning Crusaders don't outscore them by 80.34 or the winning Shruggz don't outscore them by more than 115.02, the winning Bucs don't outscore them by more than 84.38 and the winning Swirls don't outscore them by 134.24
  • Eliminated with a loss.

St. A's Crusaders

  • Clinch with a win, a Rockers loss, the winning Bucs don't outscore them by more than 4.04, and the winning Swirls don't outscore them by more than 53.90.
  • Or the above scenarios, but with a Rocker win if they outscore the Rockers by more than 80.34.
  • Or the first scenarios, a Rockers win, an ICP loss and they outscore the Pounders by more than 12.44.
  • Eliminated with a loss.

Brookline Bucs

  • Take the Crusader scenarios and add 4.04 to each number.
  • Or a Crusaders loss to or to score 4.05 points more than the Crusaders.
  • Or a win, a Crusaders loss, a Rocker loss, the winning Shruggz don't outscore them by more than 30.64 and the winning Swirls don't outscore them by more than 49.86

Atlas Shruggz

  • Take the Crusader scenarios and add 34.68 to each number.
  • Or a win, a Bucs loss, a Rocker loss and the winning Swirls don't outscore them by more than 19.22

Purple Swirls

  • Take the Crusader scenarios and then forget about it.

Whew. That was like trying to figure out how many different license plates can be created from three letters followed by four numbers so I could get into Dartmouth. And I still probably left something out. Anyway, have those calculators handy Monday night!

(Or just click the League Standings tab in StatTracker, which shows updated standings in real time.)