Monday, September 27, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Almost as fun as the season-opening draft, the Week 1 waiver wire rush is always a fun madhouse. Sure, Brandon Jackson should and will be added, but let’s not wear treads in Brandon Lloyd’s driveway just yet. Let sense carry the day for once.
THE NEV-R-WINS 118.62 – WHIZ-BANG GANG 97.72
I certainly wasn’t expecting 230 yards and 3 TDs, but I definitely drafted Arian Foster on purpose. Of course, I also drafted Peterson on purpose and Childress benched him. Luckily, Foster went off and Brady recovered from having his hair messed up in a car crash to throw 3 TDs. Anyway, people are refusing to give me credit, much like they refused to give me credit for a fantastic playoff run last year. I asked Hines Ward what to do about this and smiled that 50-tooth smile and said, “Motivation, baby! Nobody outside of this locker room believed in us!”
The silver lining for the WBG is that Foster and the Texans beat the Colts, which means there will possibly come a time one day when the WBG beat me. Right now, they have Week 12 triple circled on their calendar.
C.J. Spiller only contributed 1.5 points to the effort, which…if we can’t count on a rookie running back sharing carries with two other guys on a terrible team to average at least 5 points a week, what can we count on in this life? Kevin Kolb couldn’t get the ball to DeSean Jackson and then he got hurt, so Vick started not getting the ball to
Michael Crabtree is terrible. Alex Smith is terrible. It’s not a good combo for fantasy points. In fact, I wonder if any other team in other league throughout the universe in perpetuity had Schaub, Crabtree and Gore all starting and still won. Seems unlikely.
HAWKS 73.42 – FIREROCK ROCKERS 69.36
With Rivers, Boldin and Mathews all playing Monday night, the Hawks certainly did save the best for last. Nothing quite like a 30-point comeback spread out over six hours. Especially nice for the Hawks that Rivers scored 5 tantrum points for flailing his arms, ripping his chinstrip off and kicking the ball after a delay of game. On another note, I try hard not to jump to conclusions after Week 1, but I said Mike Sims-Walker wouldn’t follow up last year and he had a nice, round 0 Sunday.
Clay Mathews, Jr. wrapping up Kolb’s arms and then piledriving him into the turf face first is basically what cost the Rockers the win. Surely Kolb had another 5 points left in him when he went out. Because with Stewart and Best only combining for 32 yards, the Rockers certainly needed more Kolb.
Well, let’s just say that if I was DFA, the recap of my game would be as long as a magazine and as unfocused as the Tea Party platform. Scoring the 3rd-most points and losing? Losing by 3.32 because Ryan Grant got hurt in the first half? Finding out Ryan Grant is done for the year? I would not be handling any of that well. At all.
The Texans lit up Indy, but Andre Johnson and Schaub combined for about 10 points. Odd. Meanwhile, the Pounders managed to get 26.3 points out of Larry Fitzgerald and the Arizona D in an uneven, 17-13 win. Also odd. And that Marion Barber bust ceiling is looking pretty high. Though I’m sure Matt Forte will have a 70-yard TD catch every week.
PURPLE SWIRLS 91.38 – ATLAS SHRUGGZ 83.54
The 20th pick of our draft, Shonn Greene, had two fumbles, a dropped pass and today Rex Ryan says he’ll now be splitting time with Tomlinson. Which means Brady, Calvin and Best, the 3 guys picked between Greene and Grant in the Curse Corner, should start to panic.
When Jimmy Clausen is under center and you have a
Well, this is uncomfortable. It’s like a buddy who refuses a beer while watching football so you keep ragging him and calling him a puss and waving beers at him until he finally explodes “I’m a recovering alcoholic and my dad just got a DUI!” It’s just like that. And thus, I won’t be mocking the All Stars for a while.
Darren McFadden had 21 points? When did that happen? So…how many teams lost by 8 points when Calvin Johnson’s 30-yard TD catch was ruled a drop? None in this league, of course, but still.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
While part of me wonders how many people spent Labor Day watching FOX News and getting excited about voting for the pro-business Republican Party when the richest 1% of Americans control more wealth than in even the robber baron days (irony alert!), another part of me is putting my seersucker blazer in mothballs.
And a third part of me is gearing up for football!
THE NEV-R-WINS at WHIZ-BANG GANG
The WBG has a chance to “avenge” last year’s title game destruction with a regular season win, if they want to believe both games are of equal importance. Of course, they won’t receive $200 for winning this one. (Minus my entry fee and minus the one person who didn’t pay)
First round pick Aaron Rodgers (official theme song here) probably won’t have much trouble putting up 20 points, but for every touchdown he throws to Greg Jennings (minimum: 2), the WBG will actually lose ground.
Conversely, Tom Brady intentionally doesn’t throw touchdowns to Wes Welker because he secretly hates this coaches’ son-like player. And even if the WBG keep things close in the QB and WR categories, I’m going to outrun him in the RB grouping by at least 30 points. Arian Foster is hotter and more Googled than a Nick teen star, whereas Beanie Wells sucks. Although the Ricky vs. Ronnie dynamic will be fun in this one.
THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 132.16 – WHIZ-BANG GANG 59.68
(Wait, hang on, that was the WVFL Bowl score)
THE NEV-R-WINS 105 – WHIZ-BANG GANG 98
THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW at
The battle for control of the ‘S, winner take all.
Some running back news coming out of this one, bad for both teams. Mendenhall will be losing goal line carries to Ike Redman and CJ Spiller has been named the #1 back…for
Which is the exact opposite of what you should expect from Tim Hightower.
HAWKS at FIREROCK ROCKERS
This like when the California Angels became the Anaheim Angels. I didn’t like that and I don’t like the missing Stringfellow.
Kevin Kolb has had a shaky preseason, which means he’ll probably be booed at some point Sunday by the Philly fans, who always think things through to their logical conclusion. Lee Evans just plain sucks, though I’m sure Mike Wallace will get the Rocker start by Sunday.
Of course, none of that should matter since Maurice Jones-Drew should outscore the Hawk receiving corps by himself. Anquan Boldin goes up against Darelle Revis, which should keep him to about 4 points, and Mike Sims-Walker is a fluke who is going to spend this season proving his flukiness.
THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 88 – HAWKS 71
IRON CITY POUNDERS at DEATHFROMABOVE
I’m so old that I remember when you could buy hit singles on cassette and Carson Palmer was good. Those were the days. Speaking of remember the good times, this week is Matt Forte’s time to show he is actually going to be good again this year. If he can’t roll through
Larry Fitzgerald is going to get wide open on a deep route Sunday and Derek Anderson will overthrow him by four yards. The Pounders will not get any points for that.
DFA is hoping the preseason trend of Palmer throwing exclusively to Terrell Owens was just a guy being polite to the new guest, as DFA has Ocho. And it’s not my team, but I’d be starting Jeremy Maclin over Brandon Jacobs. And I’d also be highly concerned about Mike McCarthy openly discussing how good Ryan Grant’s backup is and how ready he is for every-down duty.
PURPLE SWIRLS at ATLAS SHRUGGZ
Jermichael Finley is going to have 80 yards and 2 touchdowns in Week 1 to justify Caulen loving him and picking him early. Justin Forsett, however, will suck, justifying
Of course, those 6 points won’t help Steve Smith (old one) much either. Combine that with Turner and Greene (starring Shelley Long and Muriel Hemingway, coming to TNT this spring!) getting shut down by stout defenses, and it will seem like the creatives have indeed gone on strike for Atlas Shruggz. (Seriously, how many more references can I make to book I haven’t even read?)
THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 97 – ATLAS SHRUGGZ 59
ST. A’S CRUSADERS at LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS
Coach Webster is using the season preview as bulletin board material in the Lowcountry locker room. Now his team has motivation, yet they still lack the talent to do anything with it. But I’ve said enough about this team, it’s time to let the anemic lack of points do the talking for me.
Oh wait, one last thing. When Randy Moss told The Boston Globe that he was unhappy with his team yesterday, he wasn’t referring to the Pats.
Jamaal Charles is going to have a surprisingly good game when
THE PICK: ST. A’S CRUSADERS 60 – LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 59
Saturday, September 4, 2010
WVFL 2010 PREVIEW
Like a Vassar English lit professor who complains about the coarsening of American culture and our growing idiocy as a country, but caught two minutes of
For years, I raved about my smarts and railed about all the luck involved in fantasy football...and then I went out and won the whole league. Now I don’t know what to think. Pretty sure it’s still mostly luck, but if I win again this year, then it’s definitely my smarts heroically overcoming the whims of the universe. Time will tell.
Presented without further ado, since the above was enough ado, here is the 2010 WVFL season preview, now with keepers!
Last season’s #2 seed was wasted in the second round of the playoffs, but that pain was eased with the draw of the #1 pick and getting Chris Johnson for the next five years. Sort of like popping a Vicodin four months after spraining your ankle.
DFA is like almost every other WVFL team this season, not overly intimidating but certainly not terrible, either. Parity has finally come to our mediocre league. Though not every team has two defenses and a two tight ends on the roster.
This should the most up and down team because, outside of Johnson, everybody on this team is capable of both 3- and 30-point games. Romo, Ocho, Smitho, Granto, you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have an average team, oh, an average team.
2010 REGULAR SEASON FINISH – 4th
2011 KEEPERS – Johnson
The New Orleans Jazz moved to
Last year’s championship team was built in the fourth and fifth rounds and I’ll need to do the same this year to repeat. That said, the buzz around Dwayne Bowe and Arian Foster is getting so buzzy that they basically have no chance of being good. I was still defending Cedric Benson in Week 8 last year and trying to trade Ray Rice in Week 3 when McGahee was the goal line back. Like Hines Ward and the Tea Party, I thrive on the me against the world because the world is against me mentality.
Every single guy on my bench is either going to be a complete bust or the breakout candidate of the year. I didn’t mean to hoard scratch and win tickets, it just happened that way.
2010 REGULAR SEASON FINISH – 1st
2011 KEEPERS – Peterson, Brady, Foster
ST. A’S CRUSADERS
The Crusaders had the 6th-most points last year, but dropped the last 4 games to finish 5-8. This year, they have one of the most interesting teams in the league. Interesting because they have two defenses, both ends of the Super Bowl XLIII game-winning touchdown pass (who are both suspended for four games), Sidney Rice as a possible keeper assets since he’s out at least six weeks and possibly all season, and
But they also have the two young rushers everybody wants in Rice and Charles and Calvin Johnson. Since nothing in this world makes any sense, look for the Crusaders to have the 5th-fewest points this year and go 8-5.
2010 REGULAR SEASON FINISH – 2nd
2011 KEEPERS – Rice, Charles, Johnson
The Rockers had the 5th-most points last year and atually dropped the last 5 games to finish 5-8. Point of order, either team would’ve made the playoffs at 6-7 based on points. Yet another casualty of Matt Forte’s swath of destruction in 2009.
But that was then! And this is now! And now they are not at all concerned about the rumors that Maurice Jones-Drew had some sort of vague knee procedure, and they’d thank you to stop asking about it.
Last year, the Rockers had Shady McCoy a year too earlier and TK liked being on vanguard so much that he went out and got Kevin Kolb, Kareem Huggins, Dexter McCluster and Mike Wallace a year too early. Oh, and Brandon Marshall a year too late and Larry Johnson five years too late. Johnson has since been dropped like…well, like a running back who is very slow and petulant.
This is a not all that great team that is going to have a couple of insane weeks where they destroy their opponent with 113 points. But only a couple.
2010 REGULAR SEASON FINISH – 8th
2011 KEEPERS – Jones-Drew, Best
People who read Atlas Shrugged wish it was still 1951 and Atlas Shruggz drafted like it was 2001, opening with three straight backs, the old Steve Smith and then Brett Favre. Favre, by the way, is already feeding the media tidbits about doctors draining cups of fluid and bone particles from his ankle, since he’s such a gutty hero. He's more annoying that a frat boy who saves his bottle counts so he can tell everybody how many beers he's had tonight.
The Shruggz also set themselves up for confusion by drafting Hakeem Nicks, who becomes the teammate of both Steve Smith in the NFL and Steve Smith in the WVFL. This will be hard to keep track of.
By the way, Shonn Greene is a good back, but he’s going to be seeing 11 men and 2 coaches stacking the line of scrimmage because Sanchez is so awful. Atlas has has two tight ends and two kickers. The two TE, two K, or two DEF move is a fairly common one in the WVFL, and one that I’ve never understood. And I never will!
2010 REGULAR SEASON FINISH – 7th
2011 KEEPERS – Turner
IRON CITY POUNDERS
If you’ve ever needed a sure sign that fantasy football information is no longer a commodity but a utility, look no further than Andre Johnson going 6th overall with nary a batted eyelash. We all know the same things and we all have the same moves. Fantasy football has turned into NASCAR, basically.
The Pounders followed that one up with another receiver, Larry Fitzgerald, obviously enamored with me riding the WR-WR start to the title last year. Of course, I was in the 12 spot, which is a little different. Still, they managed to grab Addai and Forte next year, and I’d say except Addai’s annual injury, the Pounder backfield is probably on par with the Shruggz backfield.
The only down marks for the Pounders, really, is that there’s no way Vernon Davis catches another 13 touchdowns, and they have no depth on the bench whatsoever.
2010 REGULAR SEASON FINISH – 3rd
2011 KEEPERS – Johnson, Fitzgerald, Forte
After winning the title as Brookline’s Finest, then slogging through two terrible seasons as the Brookline Bucs, this team is now Brookline Finest, a name that sounds like the opening of a slogan.
But 2010 is already a success for Skip Henry, because he gets to watch Mendenhall churn out runs for his team. And besides that and Matt Schaub constantly throwing the ball in the fourth quarter in vain comeback attempts, that’s all that Brookline will enjoy this season.
I mean…their #1 receiver, Michael Crabtree, was just yelled at in practice by Vernon Davis for being lazy and having a bad attitude. That’s like being yelled at by Glenn Beck for being paranoid and melodramatic.
2010 REGULAR SEASON FINISH – 10th
2011 KEEPERS – Mendenhall, 5 year deal
The 1990 Denver Broncos went 5-11 after losing the previous Super Bowl by 45 points. In fairness, it’s hard to play football when you’re wondering the point of life is. The Whiz-Bang Gang would do well to study this cautionary tale after losing WVFL Bowl VII by 73 points.
The WBG were in a no-win spot with the #8 pick, so Aaron Rodgers is a pretty decent grab there. That’s where the compliments end. The WBG backfield consists of Ronnie Brown, who gets hurt every year, Beanie Wells, who isn’t good and is named Beanie, Clinton Portis, who died two years ago, Leon Washington, who is the 3rd down back on a terrible team, and Ahmad Bradshaw. Bradshaw is pretty good, actually.
Oh, and Welker is in his first year back from a procedure everybody says it takes two years to recover from.
2010 REGULAR SEASON FINISH – 9th
2011 KEEPERS – Rodgers, Bradshaw
THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW
Nate’s team was automatically drafted by his iPhone, which means it won’t be as good as everybody hopes when the season finally starts. And like most Apple products, it came with a few bugs. Like drafting a second tight end and that tight end being New England’s fourth tight end and not the one everybody is talking about. Or the wrong bad Cardinals back. Or Mark Sanchez as a backup QB. Or Austin Collie, Indy’s 6th option, before other teams’ 1st or 2nd option.
This app is clearly not the Deep Blue of fantasy football.
2010 REGULAR SEASON FINISH – 11th
2011 KEEPERS – Manning
The Stringfellow is superfluous, it seems. Also superfluous was the hype surrounding Ryan Mathews, who finds a second T superfluous for his surname. Mathews is a good back and San Diego is good team, but every year some guy shoots up draft boards solely because he’s a projected starter. It doesn’t always work out. (See: Slaton, Steve)
Of course, if the Hawks took Steven Jackson 10th and Mathews 15th, they would have the same backfield, so whatever. And they can always trade McNabb for a decent WR2, since there’s no chance Mike Sims-Walker lives up to anything.
2010 REGULAR SEASON FINISH – 6th
2011 KEEPERS – Mathews
There’s just no way Miles Austin repeats last year, right? I mean, he just…can’t. And Jermichael Finley would have to score 15 TDs to match the enthusiasm people have for him.
That said, this is a pretty nice team, and stealing LeSean McCoy in the 4th round was a pretty slick move. Assuming McCoy is able to fit through the miniscule holes the Philly line struggles to pry open. Maybe he’ll just run wide all year.
And, now that I think about it, Carolina might only score five touchdowns all year, so DeAngelo should have some troubles. Justin Forsett is competing for carries on a terrible team that will never be running out the clock, Robert Meachem is a study in frustration, Jacoby Jones is the fourth option by now and I don’t know who Jermaine Gresham is, except that he’s Caulen’s second tight end.
Maybe I don’t like this team so much after all.
2010 REGULAR SEASON FINISH – 5th
2011 KEEPERS – Brees, McCoy, Austin
LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS
Nate and I twisted Webster’s arm for about a week to get him to return to the WVFL. We were like Steve Hutchison and Ryan Longwell flying down to Mississippi to cup Favre’s nuts. But in looking at the team he pulled together, I feel like I talked him into some real estate investment and the land was too sandy to build or farm on and now he’s been wiped out.
Going WR-WR in the 12/13 boomerang is hotter than hating Justin Bieber right now, and Moss and Wayne are solid…but then it got ugly in a hurry. Knowshon is hurt, Felix Jones is splitting carries and injury prone, Michael Bush is hurt, and Housh and Derrick Ward were both released.
But here’s the good news! It’s a keeper league now.
2010 REGULAR SEASON FINISH – 12th
2011 KEEPERS - None