Friday, December 16, 2011

WVFL Semifinal Preview


First declared the dirtiest dog of the derby by the Purple Swirls after draft day, the Crusaders have done nothing to disavow their destiny. Although Matt Ryan staked the Pounders to a decent head start with 20 points on Thursday night, Tebow should be able to cancel that out against the god-awful Patriots defense. And it’s probably safe to assume that Demaryius Thomas, Darrius Heyward-Bey and Mike Williams will not keep the momentum rolling. My Lord, is that one awful collection of receivers.

Meanwhile, Jimmy Graham will continue to star in The Uncoverables, and while Calvin will have a surprisingly disappointing day (I say something like…6.9 points) Ray Rice will…actually…hold on.




The Shruggz put up 145 points last week, which I’m actually happy about since it eliminated any possible What If? injury thoughts I might have harbored otherwise. Sure, they only cracked 100 points 4 times before putting up 125 and 145 on me in consecutive weeks, which cost me a bye and then officially knocked me out, but I don’t think it’s a fluke or anything. What am I, bitter like Caulen?

The Rockers, of course, took the bye that slipped through my grasp and now here they are, trying to go worst to first.

Both Turner and Jones-Drew semi-disappointed last night (in contrast to Blaine Gabbert, who continues to uber-disappoint), so that’s a wash. But what’s most curious about this matchup is the Giants offense. The Rockers have Eli and Cruz. The Shruggz have Nicks and Manningham. So Eli’s read progression is going to go a long way toward deciding this one.

(True story: In other league, a wild card last week was decided on Tuesday afternoon by a stat change. Changing a reception from Cruz to Nicks took the team with Cruz from a 0.8 point lead to a 1.2 point loss to the team with Nicks. Fun!)

But you’re more concerned with this league than my other one, so…


Sunday, December 11, 2011

Caulen's WVFL Wild Card Preview

Playoff Preview Week 1 & End of Season Notes

Fellow WVFL GMs, I wanted to take this opening paragraph to thank you all (or at least most of you) for competing this season. It’s definitely been one of the more memorable fantasy seasons, and I can only hope that future seasons are as fun and frankly, as just as this 2011 season. So, without further ado, let’s get into the playoff preview!

Bye teams:
St. A’s Crusaders (10-3, 1533.54 points)
Purple Swirls (5-8, 1459.92 points)
Firerock Rockers (8-5, 1449.86 points)

Starting at the top, St. A’s has dominated all season, starting off 4-0 and putting up points like Steve Jobs (RIP) at a keynote address. Looking up and down the roster, it’s clear Father Fucci and the St. A’s franchise values a few traits above all else: athletic, god-fearing and white. You have Roethlisberger and spiritual advisor/placekick holder Tim Tebow throwing those sweet Hail Mary’s to football’s own White Chocolate - Jordy Nelson. A banged up DMC has the bye to get healthy, and Jimmy Graham will surely put up another 100 yards and a score even though he’s sitting in the virtual game. One disturbing trend that St. A’s will hope to avoid though: Won 4, lost 1, won 3, lost 1, won 2, lost 1, won 1. That looks awfully familiar to someone who has been known to not change the station when the latest incarnation of Are You Smarter Than a ____ comes on.

Next up we have my very own Purple Swirls. Don’t be fooled by the record, folks. This is a playoff team. Wait a second.... the hell? The Yahoo system must have glitched big time on this one! Well, I’ll just write to them and we’ll get this all squared away for next round.

The third bye belongs to last seasons door mat, Firerock Rockers. Congratulations on a well-deserved turnaround. This team could rename themselves the Victor Cruz Steak Dinners and attendance would still be down though. And who knew the oompa loompa still had it in him? Looking at this roster, it’s even clearer to me that this season has been all about matchups.

Speaking of which, I did a little research to dive deeper into this wacky season. I went through and pitted the Purple Swirls against every team each week to see what my record would have been if I had played everyone instead of whichever team happened to have a career week against me at the time. The results against your playoff teams? Glad you asked:
vs. St A’s: 6-7vs. IC Pounders: 9-4
vs. Firerock: 5-8vs. Atlas Shruggz: 7-6
vs. Nev-R-Wins: 9-4vs. DFA: 9-4

So it’s clear the bye teams are deserving. After that?

DFA (4) vs. IC Pounders (5)
This matchup basically comes down to which Chris Johnson shows up. The bad news is Tennessee will probably be playing from behind all day. The good news is CJ has rushed for over 150 the last two weeks. The bad bad news is they were against shitty teams. That a team that finished 6 spots ahead of me is starting Dougie Baldwin in a playoff game is enough to send me reaching for another fistful of Tums. The Pounders will likely get 50 points combined out of Gronk and the Steelers D, and jesus, it’s 2011 and we’re all expecting Lynch and McGahee to run wild yet again. Matt Ryan has been a tough roster all year and I’m expecting that to be the ultimate downfall against superior opponents. Luckily for Phil, DFA isn’t one of them.
IC Pounders 120.34 - DFA 102.59

Nev-R-Wins (3) vs. Atlas Shruggz (6)
Adrian Peterson is the obvious lede here, and being that I’ve made my point in this preview already, I’ll hit it right off the tee to get this over with faster. If he plays and plays All Day, Krogmann will be listening to something a little more upbeat than The Decembrists on Spotify come next Tuesday. Foster is unstoppable, Brady will toy with the Skins, and without having looked at any numbers I’ll just assume Jennings has had a great year and will continue to benefit from having Brent as his QB. On the other side of the ball, let’s face it: Atlas feels like Creighton at the Elite Eight. Great story, but not even his mom (my aunt) would bet on him if Rivers Casino were handing out free chips. Though if Detroit dominates Minnesota things could get interesting. I’m predicting a big week from Shonn Greene, but I’ve been cutting and pasting that statement all season to no avail.
Nev-R-Wins 105.86 - Atlas Shruggz 95.98

I didn’t forget about all of the other non-playoff teams. In fact, I compiled my stats vs them as well!

vs. B'Line: 10-3
vs. Hacks: 9-4
vs. Whiz Bang: 10-3
vs. Lowcountry: 11-2
vs. People's Elbow: 13-0

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

WVFL Week 13 Review


SEASON: 55-23



Once again, I am limping into the postseason. I’m turning into a real Mr. November, like Tony Romo. Peterson didn’t play, Nate Washington got hurt during the game, Maclin is still out and Earl Bennett didn’t go to college with Caleb Hanie, so Hanie never throws to him.

This win got the Shruggz out of that 4-way log jam and into the playoffs, so kudos to them. Matt Stafford managed 24 points in a loss, Michael Crabtree caught a 50-yard touchdown pass and Shonn Fucking Green had twenty-fucking-nine points. I feel like none of these things will happen two weeks in a row, so whoever draws the Shruggz in the first round might catch a nice break.

Oh, would you look at that…


The Elbow clinched the #1 overall pick by letting DFA double up on their score. The Elbow also clinched being the only team to not break 1000 points on the season. In fact, they had 150 points fewer than the league’s other shit brickhouse, the All Stars. And if that’s not enough for you, the Elbow had the 2nd-fewest Points Against this season, so with any semblance of a roster (like, say, the one the Swirls had), they could’ve probably been 12-1.

(STATISTICAL ODDITY SIDENOTE: The teams with the two fewest Points Against totals and the two highest Points Against totals – Hacks, Elbow, WBG, Swirls – all missed the playoffs.)

The Elbow also had the fewest points scored last year, so it’s safe to assume that Marla has taken to wearing a paper bag over her head on Sundays, like a Saints fan in the ‘80s.

Chris Johnson is returning to usefulness at just the right time for DFA.


The MK called upset of the week special! Cam Newton had 38 points and Percy Harvin had 34. No other All Star had more than 9. Lowcountry scored their highest total of the year, and with one weird game knocked Brookline out of the playoffs and themselves out of the #1 pick spot.

Hey, nobody tell Scott Henry that if he had started Pierre Garcon (32 points) over Plaxico (3 points) that he would’ve made the playoffs. He probably already knows.


The Pounders, a team that had 160 points fewer than the Swirls, the only team in the league to lose to both the All Stars and the Elbow, are in the playoffs. The Swirls are not. Brees and McCoy tried their best, but apparently there is no way in the world to stop Marshawn Lynch and Gronkowski these days. Even Matt Forte blowing out his knee 5 minutes into the game couldn’t stop the Pounders from rolling into the playoffs.

(SCHEDULING ODDITY SEPARATE SIDENOTE: I just analyzed the schedule. If the Swirls played the schedule the Elbow had – with no changes in weekly point total – the Swirls would’ve gone 8-5 and made the playoffs.)

The Swirls only got 10 combined points out of Laurent Robinson and DeMarco Murray, and the Swirls missing the playoffs with a loaded rosters because their Cowboys let them down is probably very symbolic.

ST. A’S CRUSADERS 109.94 – HACKS 95.46

Last year’s almost-MVP, Philip Rivers, is going to miss the 2011 playoffs in both the NFL and WVFL. Weird year for a guy who’s supposed to be good.

All hail the Crusaders, our league’s #1 seed.

What else is to be said about this game, really?


Last year, the Rockers went 2-11. They kept 5 players from that team for some reason. Stevie Johnson was down this year, as was MJD, and Jahvid Best got hurt. Instead of having the first overall pick this season as they deserved, they got boned by our weird keeper draft settings debacle. So instead of getting Greg Jennings with their first pick, they got Eli Manning.

And despite all that, their big win this week clinched them a first round bye. It’s a true rags-to-riches story that could only be possible in America. Not modern America, 1962 America, I mean.

Aaron Rodgers was totally wasted on this WBG team. They should not keep him this summer. They should let him go to a good team, where he belongs.