Friday, October 31, 2014

AFFL Week 9 Preview

SEASON: 26-23

ASSTANNER (3-5) vs. ISIS (3-5)

Hot news coming in over the wire this morning with the Asstanner grabbing Todd Gurley and paying him for his signature on a 2-year contract. Pfft. College boy. I feel like Chris made this move for two reason: One, he wanted to ruin my prediction that Scott was going to franchise Gurley, which...fine. Scott and Chris are like the left Twix and right Twix, so I'm counting this prediction as 50% correct. And two, he doesn't know what he's doing.

If you're wondering, Chris does indeed have a 3-year contract slot open, but I guess he doesn't like like Gurley, he just likes him. Between this season being burned off, and the inevitable rookie RB curve of Looks Good In Camp --> Needs To Work On Blitz Pickup --> Needs To Protect The Ball Better --> Named Starter in Week 10 After Veteran Starter Is Hurt, Chris should get a good six games out of this Gurley contract.

And with the signing coming in Week 10, he'll get to pay like $1.20 next year for it. Good thing he didn't give him that 3rd year at $1.80 or whatever.

Also, since NFL teams have figured out that running backs are more or less fungible, with the first back off the board in 2014 being Bishop Sankey at #54, the best case scenario is that Gurley ends up on a good team behind a quality veteran. Worst case is that some bad team picks him and throws him in the headfirst. I don't mean Asstanner, I mean a bad NFL team. The teams I could see taking Gurley before the end of 2nd round are Jacksonville, Oakland, Minnesota, and Tampa. If he falls further, maybe Baltimore, Indy, or Dallas (if they let Murray walk) take a swing.

Anyway! Let's worry about this week, which will go a very long way toward determining which of these teams stay alive in the playoff chase. CBS is predicting 15.6 points for Vick, which seems...generous? (Again, Scott and Chris. Left Twix, Right Twix. They just love those Jets quarterbacks! And what's not to love about a 1-7 team going on the road to Kansas City this week?)

I might have picked up Dalton, who gets AJ back this week against Jacksonville, or Eli against that Indy defense that Ben just shredded, but what do I know? I'm just a 3-5 owner. I'm also surprised that Chris isn't starting Percy this week, since there's approximately a 175% chance the Jets run at least one Wildcat play with Percy at QB and Vick split out wide. Sure, it'll end up being a 2-yard loss, but think about how exciting it would be to watch with both guys in your lineup!

As for me, CBS has once again guesstimated that I'll hit triple digits this week. Thanks, guys. We did get off to a good start with Ingram and his 23 points last night. The two times the Saints got down around the 5, I was basically quivering with anticipation. Sitting there hoping Ingram would get the ball felt like I was 17 again, making out with a chick, desperately hoping to get some over the jeans ding dong touching. Those were some exhilarating touchdowns, boy howdy.

There are a couple of new faces in the lineup, thanks to my remarkable SIX players on a bye this week. Get it all over with at once, I say! Kelce will either score 4 or 14, but I do like having Hopkins this week against Philly, and I like my haul from that trade in general. Though I'm sure Scott will explain to me in 2 years how and why I actually lost this trade.

AJ is back, as mentioned, and Kaep shouldn't have much problem torching the Rams at home. I, and more importantly, you, am going to get a week off from any complaints about bad luck. I won't even have to sweat out Allen and Hilton playing on Monday night.



Brandin Cooks is a boom or bust player at this point in his career, and his 3.8 points last night neatly sums up the boom or bust Rippers. Three wins to open the season, and five losses since, on their way to six. Even if Romo plays, there's no guarantee he gets through 60 minutes against a ferocious Cardinals defense, even if Jerry Jones drags him back onto the field on a pallet jack. Word is that Gio is going to miss this week, and not only is that a tough loss against Jacksonville, it also means that Gary can plug Jeremy Hill into his lineup and plunder those possible points. Double trouble!

Gary and Larry will also be battling for Manning touchdowns in Foxboro, with Sanders on one side and Julius on the other. Taken as a whole, both of these teams have one good option in the lineup, and then a whole bunch of middling ones. Larry should have the advantage at DST since Denver should move up and down the field against Gary's Patriots DST, but Gary has an advantage at QB. That advantage at QB is all the...Luck that Gary will need this week. (SFX: Trumpet noise)


HGAC (6-2) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (5-3)

Your titanic, colossal, two thumbs up, five-star, highly recommended matchup of the week. This is the business expense steak dinner game. The gluttonous celebration of the folks in the Kansas City office. Sure, I'll take crab meat and bearnaise on top of my ribeye? A $6 charge? Okay! This delightful wine says I could go for it!

Meanwhile, the Gary and Larry game reluctantly discussed above is the drive-thru KFC picked up on the way home from gymnastics practice. A celebration of nothing but the unavoidable fact that it has to happen. You have no choice.

CBS says this one is going to finish up 114-111, with Animal House laying claim to the #1 seed in the league. I'm not so sure. Bell will have a tough time against Baltimore, Charles will have a tough time against the Jets, Tate has really only had one good game (2 TDs against PIT), and franchise player Andre Johnson has fallen off a cliff. Maclin has been incredible with the touchdowns this year, but he also has a 5.7 and a 1.6 game sprinkled in there.

And it's not like HGAC is free of issues this week, either. Ivory faces a tough defense that will be stacking the line against Vick and containing everything towards a gross pile of humanity in the middle. Murray has obviously been incredible so far, but if Romo goes down, it'll be tough sledding against that Cards defense. Beckham doesn't pile up enough yardage yet to offset a 0 TD game, and Rivers has to fly across the country to face a tough defense at 10am on his body clock. Oh, and Demaryius should see a decent dose of Revis on Sunday. Tough times all around.

So, like many overhyped events in our marketing-based country, this game will probably end up being a disappointment. But who will be more disappointed?

Animal House.

The magical regular season for HGAC will not be stopped. It's fitting that he has been riding Demaryius so expertly this year, since he is the Peyton Manning of the league right now. An amazing regular season performance that has seen scoring records fall, destined to end in playoff agony.



It's the Undeserved Success Bowl, sponsored by the Bush Family! Please join us at 12:45pm Sunday for a special pre-game ceremony with George W. Bush, George P. Bush, Lauren Bush Lauren, Jeb Bush, and Prince Bandar! With special guest Liz Cheney!

It will be interesting to see if Runny wishes they still had DeAndre Hopkins for this one. Frank Gore is on fumes, and I understand that Andrew Hawkins is the #1 option with Cameron concussed, but I don't know if I'd want to rely on him or anything.

Wilson being on Runny and Lynch being on TDHAF is interesting, because you would assume the Seattle blows out Oakland at home this week, and so the entire second half will be Lynch piling up points while Wilson puts it in neutral. Still, Wilson should at least match the 17.1 that Brees put up last night. Hey, interesting side note to the Brees trade. Not about Scott's record. That is a sunk cost and it has become canon that it's had zero effect on his record. No, this note is about Barker's record, and the fact that only one of his game would've been different had he kept Brees. He lost 96.2-86.9 in Week 7 with Brian Hoyer only posting 4.1 points. With Brees in there, Barker wins and is 3-5 instead of 2-6.

Weird trade.

Anyway, you might want to think Welker would have some sort of revenge factor going back into Greater Boston, but he's scored under 1 points in each of the last 2 weeks, so I wouldn't hold your breath. Between him an Dwayne Bowe in the lineup, this is an awesome 2010 roster.

Since these two teams each have a kicker in the big Broncos/Pats tilt on Sunday, it would be amazing if a late field goal decided this matchup, but that can't happen since Ahmad Bradshaw is playing on Monday night. Thanks, Ahmad! Way to go! to pick this one. The lowest-scoring team against the second-lowest. Five underserved wins against five undeserved wins. Whose luck will win out? Barker's, with Ahmad Bradshaw scoring a TD with 4:34 left on Monday to clinch a 3-point Runny win? Or Scott, when the Colts go play action in that situation and throw a TD to Dwayne Allen?

I say Scott. Scott's lucky streak of a season is destined to end in a Wild Card game drubbing so he can say, "Hey, at least I made the playoffs with a terrible team. What did you do?"



It's the matchup we've all been waiting for! Austin Davis versus Brian Hoyer!

Not content to have only one player from the Cleveland / Tampa Bay matchup, which is certain to be laden with offensive fireworks, Barker is also running Bobby Rainey out there this week. A 2-6 record. Good players on a bye. Hoping Bobby Rainey can score a touchdown in Cleveland. A more depressing thing I cannot imagine. Fantasy football as a concept should be banned if this is what it forces people into.

Dez is going to have some issues if Brandon Weeden is involved on Sunday, though maybe Steve Smith can get open against the Steelers. I know, try to picture it. Getting 14.3 from Jimmy Graham last night is a pretty good start. Unfortunately, that might be the individual high score of the week for Riggins.

Oh my God! Sembrat is starting Mike Evans! This matchup has THREE players from Browns/Bucs in it? Jesus Christ. What are we doing here, people?

By the way, today was the 8th time I looked at Sembrat's bench and wondered, "Why isn't he starting Michael Floyd this week? Oh, that's right. Malcom Floyd. That's why."

Sembrat is starting new addition DeSean Jackson, but who knows what effect the return of RGIII will have there. A Bridgewater/Griffin matchup is sure to rile up some of the NFL's...let's say...more traditional fans. But this Jesus/Riggs matchup riles me up. It's a big ol' crapfest and we're all invited.



Byes, injuries, and bad moves continue to conspire against Bri. Antonio is possibly a top 3 receiver in the league, and Bryant has superstar makings, but I'm not sure you want to start two Steeler wideouts against the Ravens defense. Morris has had 3 good game out of 8 attempts this season, and I don't think we have to worry about Jordan Reed too much at all.

Poor Bri. What did he do to deserve such a foul team? Probably nothing. Bri is a good and kind man, just trying to get through a decent 71-74 years with his wife, five children, and eventually to be 35 grandchildren. Do you think mornings at the Williams household are like the opening scene of Caddyshack? Fights for precious bathroom space? Bri all eating his Raisin Bran Crunch, looking at some kid at the table and asking, "Who are you?" Poor Bri.

At least if he loses this weekend, he can cheer himself with the $340 worth of mini candy bars that his 5 trick-or-treaters can bring home. What a haul! Gonna be like 28 little Mounds bars sitting in thar pantry until May.

But will he actually lose this one? Could he manage the win that keeps him alive in his division? Well, Manning and Hillman should be able to score against the Patriots, and Carson Palmer is quietly hot since returning, so Floyd and Fitz might be okay against Dallas. Though, on the other hand, the Dallas D has been fairly decent, and F&F definitely mix in some dogshit games amongst their good ones.

Benjamin was held down last night by the very excellent Keenan Lewis, who I really, really wish stayed with the Steelers. On the other hand, I don't think the Lions DST is going to put up a ton of points this week, seeing as how they're on a bye and all.

So when the Steelers/Ravens kicks off at 8:30pm, and Brian is trying to fight off diabetic shakes by making a dessert soup out of microwaved Milky Ways, and he's down by 17 points, what will happen? Will Brown and Bryant team up to lead the comeback? Can B&B outdo F&F?

I say yes.


Tuesday, October 28, 2014

AFFL Week 8 Review

SEASON: 26-23's pretty obvious that there is only one factor in this league that really matters, so that is the only thing we will discuss this week.


In a must-win game, I scored the 4th-most points this week. I outscored 75% of the league. I lost. I have the 4th-most points overall this season, and the 8th-best record. If we did the 11 v. 1 breakdown, I'd currently be in a 3-way tie for 3rd place, which shows a decent level of consistency compared to the league as a whole. I thought the entire point of fantasy football was getting good players that will score points for you, but apparently the entire point is actually having a good schedule.

So next year, let's get our players by whatever method, and then draft our weekly opponents. That is clearly the most monstrous factor in how your season goes, so let's put some effort into it. For example, if you have the #1 overall schedule pick, you can choose to play Brian Barker and Scott in the crucial Week 13 double matchup.


Congratulations to my opponent for putting up his highest total of the season.


Cool win, bro. Way to grind out that W.

Gary's bench also would've beaten Runny this week, 57-50.3. Runny has the fewest points in the league, but if you can cleverly manage to also have the fewest points against, you can still manage to be 5-3. It's a completely good and reasonable system that proves many things.


Unfortunate loss for Chris here after he scored his highest weekly total of the season. He should've done a better job managing the schedule.

Great week by the Animal House. 30 points from Brady, 30 from Maclin, 23 from Charles...real pinball stuff. But his most impressive move this week was not playing against HGAC, because then he would've lost even though he scored 135. Nice move!

HGAC 149.4 - RIGGINS' RIGGS 84.9

The team with the 2nd-most points scored this season now falls to 2-6, the worst record in the league. They should do a better job of not having 837 points against this season. Taller Barker has 132 more points this season than Not Quite As Tall Barker, but 267 more points against, so of course BB is 5-3 and MB is 2-6.

McCamey has the most legit #1 overall team the AFFL has seen in at least 1 or 2 years. Because this is fantasy football, there is no way he wins the title this year. Let's take a look into the future and see what will happen in the playoffs.

WILD CARD WEEK - Scores 117 during his bye week, the most points in the league.
CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP WEEK - Loses 92-90. The other game finishes 82-78.
TITLE WEEK - Scores 115 meaningless points. Title game finishes 91-89.

Sorry, Bill! Maybe next year.


Larry started off the season 3-0 by averaging 83 points a game. Respectable. He has now dropped 5 straight by averaging around 64 points a game. His record is exactly what it deserves to be, which makes for an interesting outlier.

Tim has the 6th-most points for, and the 6th-most points against, and he is 4-4.

Nice work by both of these teams playing the game the way it's supposed to be played.


Scott bet me $5 that Geno Smith would outscore Kaepernick this year. Scott franchised Geno Smith 2 days before Geno had 5 passing attempts for 5 yards. Of those 5 throws, 2 were completed to Jets, 3 were completed to the Bills. Geno Smith has been benched in favor of Michael Vick, who also sucks.

Scott is really good at fantasy football because he figured out how to play the lowest-scoring team in the league the very week he was the 2nd-lowest scoring team. He has also figured out how to be 5-3 with the 2nd-fewest points for this season. He is obviously very smart and good because he has a nice W-L record. It all checks out.

And yes, he would've won this week even without the Drew Brees trade. By 0.5 points.

Bri lost this week because he refused to drop the San Francisco DST even though they were on a bye. There were 7 different free agent defenses this week with 6+ points that could've given Bri the win. Great job by Scott managing the schedule in that regard.

Before we go, here is a fun chart. It will show CURRENT STANDING - TEAM NAME - STANDING IF WE PLAYED 11 V. 1. We will all enjoy it very much.

1 - HGAC - 1
3 - LOTHBROK - 2
8 - ISIS - 5

Now let's do something else. I will take your arguments and critiques in advance and discuss them.

You are just a big baby. There are teams every year that go through this same thing, scoring a bunch of points and not making the playoffs.
Correct. That is actually an argument in my favor, so thank you for making it for me. If the same stupid thing happens year after year, maybe we should start doing things differently.

If we played 11 v. 1, there would be teams that totally out of the playoffs too early in the season and they would just give up. 
Okay, sure. Let's look at the Central. Technically, Bri and Barker are 0.5 and 2.5 games out of the division lead, respectively. There are enough games left that they can get hot and make up ground, assuming Chris and Gary lose a bunch of games.

See? I told you. Baby.
Yeah. By the way, Bri could average 85 points a game the rest of the season and possibly not make up any ground on Gary, even if Gary averaged like 71 points a game. It's basically totally out of Bri's control, depending on how the schedule shakes out.

Conversely, Runny's 11 v. 1 record is currently 31-57, a deserved last place. Sigmund, holding onto the final playoff spot at the moment, is 45-43. If Runny had 3 really good weeks in a row, he could conceivably go 27-6 and make up a ton of ground.

But how the other teams perform is still a factor.
Sure. But if Runny takes care of their own business and has three good weeks in a row, they don't have to worry about what their direct opponents score, or if a team they are chasing gets a lucky win. Active control of your destiny, not passive.

Doesn't this eliminate the divisions from the league?
Yeah. So?

Aren't the divisions cool?
Are they? Let's just randomly switch me and Bri for a second. Facing his schedule in his division, I'm 4-4 and leading a crap division. Hooray for me!

Let's do one better. Let's just flip Barkers. If we did, Riggins' Riggs would be 6-2 and leading the Western thanks to their 2-1 division record and their Week 1 win over HGAC.

But the divisions aren't random. They're based on last year's standings.
Oh cool. So the randomness can be compounded! Nice!

Are you done yet?

Friday, October 24, 2014

AFFL Week 8 Preview

SEASON: 22-21

LITTLE BABY JESUS (4-3) vs. ISIS (3-4)

Only last week, when I was projected to score 97.1 points, have the CBS gurus tabbed me for under 100 points. My team has fallen short of my weekly projections by 2, 29, 39, 8, 34, 6, and 34 points. Not once have I met or exceeded expectations. Now, of course CBS' fantasy projections are just as worthless as any other site's, so I don't have much support for this argument, but I think this shows that I am not the only person wildly overrating my players.

Don't get me wrong, overvaluing my players is a hallmark of my fantasy teams across every year and every sport. I look at these guys like a mother whose son is on trial for aggravated assault, certain that everybody else is just overlooking the good and potential in him.

Point is, I am fucking duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuue.

I didn't pick up Matt Ryan for this game, and I don't like him to do much this week. The Lions D is good, and if Ryan struggles away from Atlanta, I can only imagine how much he'll struggle away from America.

(TRUTH: I picked up Matt Ryan because he is at home against the Steelers in Week 15, whereas Kaepernick is playing Seattle. I still fully expect to need Ryan in that Week 15 game, and not because I'll be gunning for 7th place in La Liga Losere.)

Lacy, Miller, and Bell all have plus matchups, and if Revis shadows Marshall, Alshon should be wide open all day long. LBJ has Rodgers throwing the ball, but if Cobb catches enough of those, it's an offsetting win for me. And if the Bengals DST can post a single point, I'll consider that one of life's little victories. It's just a shame that we can't run a 1920s era 4 running back offense, and I'll be forced to let Ingram's points just ferment on the bench.

Aaron Rodgers will be straight slingin' it dog against the terrible Saints defense, and Ellington will certainly get loose for a long play or two against the Eagles, but Edelman, Watkins, and Gronk will be quiet enough as to not cause any fuss. The real concern is that DeSean Jackson will certainly get loose for a long one against Dallas on MNF, simply because he always does. But I'm not sure that means Colt McCoy can actually get the ball all the way down there to him.

Being in the ISIS front office this season has been like having a father who's a compulsive gambler. Last week, he lost everything on a 3-1 lock of a horse and we ate uncooked rice for dinner all week because that's all we could afford. This week, he cashes in major fashion and we get a new puppy. Everything is great again!



This game technically started last night, though you might not be able to tell from the 5 - 2.3 score. Brandon McManus would be the best kicker in fantasy if extra points were worth 3 points, but as it is, he only scored 5. That still more than doubled Julius Thomas, however.

Gary could've had more points last night, of course, but he decided to keep Keenan Allen on the bench, thereby losing his 13.3 points. Now, I know that Gary likes Keenan Allen, because when I offered Joique Bell for Keenan and a pick, he turned me down flat. Why you turn down a trade offer for a guy you won't even play is beyond me. (Bri is getting mad right now)

Anyway, I'm sure that having Darren McFadden in the starting lineup instead is a good and wise decision and will work out perfectly. McFadden and Forsett are Gary's starting RBs this week, and you told somebody in August those two guys would be in a starting lineup in Week 8, people would've thought we had a 32 team league. But here we are.

Even Andrew Luck shredding the Steelers for 380 yards and 3 TDs this week isn't going to be enough for Gary to pull out a win. I was at the Monday Night game, and the Steelers didn't even mess up a single chin whisker on Fitzpatrick, so you can only imagine what Luck will be able to do with that much time and space.

Brian Barker continues to chase last week's points, grabbing Doug Baldwin and putting him into the starting lineup, but he has figured out how to lead a division without actually scoring any points, so I guess he knows what he's doing. As tempting it would be to point out that Russell Wilson scored 32-9-35 in his last 3 games and then assuming he'll have 8 this week, I'm not sure we should bet against Wilson anymore. He's going into Cam's house to out-Cam Cam.

Bradshaw should be delightful against the Steelers putrid defense, especially with Richardson out, but the rest of this lineup is blah, just like it has been since the season began. So we're now left to figure out which person with That 70s Score gets the wholly undeserved win.

Let's go with...Gary.



I may have to recant my initial displeasure with the Cutler/Hilton/Ridley trade, if only because of what T.Y Hilton is going to do to the Steelers this week with Reggie Wayne out of the lineup. This week, the T.Y. stands for Thank You! (hold for laughter)

Sure, he'll still end up wishing he had kept his first round pick after he misses the playoffs, but for this week at least, things are looking good on that trade review. It took two weeks, but Chris finally gets McCoy in the lineup. Unfortunately it's on the road in Arizona, so don't expect McCoy to score even half of the 35 points Chris let go last week by trading Russell Wilson.

Denard Robinson is a starting running back, but let's not get too excited about it just yet. Miami will shut that shit down with ease this week. I'm not sure I'm supposed to say anything about Dwayne Allen and Brandon LaFell right now, because I find it hard to believe those guys are actually in a starting lineup.

Hey, here's something. Chris is currently paying salary or has paid salary this year on 31 different players. That's the highest number in the league, along with Runny. Credit to Chris for managing to stay under the cap while being the day trader of the league. Further credit to Chris for realizing that something is wrong with his team and needs to change. Discredit to Chris for not being able to figure out what it is. $0.19 burned on Andre Holmes for 1 start and 3 points. $0.18 on John Brown to sit on the bench for 1 game while scoring 0.4 points. $0.33 burned on the Bills defense for a spot start during the Eagles' bye week. Now, technically, that Bills start was good move, since the Bills posted 10 points last week. However, since Chris only posted 47 as a whole, it mattered not.

The most moves, the fewest total points, a 3-4 record. Nothing could be more Chris, nothing could be more AFFL.

Conversely, Scotty Dick Meyers only has 13 salaries on his ledger. His only transaction since the season started was cutting David Wilson, and that was only because his career ended. Almost being paralyzed is what it takes to get Scott to cut you. That is true loyalty to your employees. Or it's a sign that he's mentally checked out for the season. I mean, there has to be SOME reason he still has Jon Grimes on his team.

Maybe Grimes is the team's lucky charm, because Animal House is absolutely moving to 5-3 and taking firm control of the Eastern after this one.


HGAC (5-2) vs. RIGGINS' RIGGS (2-5)

If Barker has been outside in a thunderstorm before and not been struck by lightning, I would be amazed. His luck in this league is so bad that I would just assume that it carries over to his general life.

This game features the two highest-scoring teams in the league, yet they have inverse records. HGAC raced out to a 28.6 - 0 lead thanks to Rivers and Demaryius playing last night, and while DT only scoring 10 seems like a lucky break, Barker leaving Gates and his 17.4 on the bench more than offsets that. With Graham still Questionable and not likely to be a full participant against Green Bay, that move might sting a bit.

Here's the good news. Barker will go into 2015 with Josh Gordon, Graham, Dez, Jordy, and Forte already on the card. He's going to have a top 2 pick by all probability, and Scott's pick that he also gets is going to roll in somewhere between #5 and #8. If Barker can resist the urge to draft rookie kickers in the 2nd round, his team is going to be stacked, racked, and jacked from the back. (Note: Surprised that Guy Fieri hasn't yet described a deep fried jalapeno bacon cheddar burger with that phrase.)

In fact, once another loss this week officially notarizes the end of 2014 for him, he could go into the Week 9 transaction freeze week with fire sale intentions, looking for even more picks in 2015. Now, in the past, he has taken aim at certain other owners in the league who spread their players across the league like dandelion spores. The criticism, if I recall, was that said transactions unduly affected the remaining team still vying for the title, and so I am sure that the captain will go down will the ship here and hold on to all of his players. I mean, who wants to be a hypocrite?



The Thursday Night game has just been toying with Larry lately. I certainly hope he has not been going out to the Golden Hood or whatever and watching this stuff in public.

Last week, it was him leaving Vereen's 23 points on the bench, but that being offset by HGAC leaving Ivory on the bench, washing it all out.

This week, he watched Emanuel Sanders have the game we all dream about. Three TDs, 30 points. Problem is, those 3 TDs came from Peyton, who is currently owned by Tim, as you may know. Another 13.8 from Hillman, a fairly disappointing night from Brandon Oliver, and this game is 36.9-35.3. In other words, a lot of fun last night that was ultimately meaningless. Speaking of Hillman, his hyperspeed through each gap last night really illustrated just how much Montee Ball sucks.

Romo will torch Washington and Vereen should be fine against the Bears, but Gio, Julio, and the Packers all have problematic matchups. Such a shame those 30 points from Sanders weren't able to stretch this lead out a bit.

As for Tim's team this week, first of all, let us all give thanks that his only Lion or Falcon is the DET DST, so we won't have to deal with some 10 email chain Sunday at 12:45pm about how he meant to start somebody, but didn't realize the game started at 9:30am and that he thinks he should credit for those 11 points and that we're all dikks.

Tim insists on starting Fitz again for some reason this week, and who am I to question starting a guy who's had 5 points or less in 5 of his 6 games this year? I mean, why would you want to start your franchise player against Oakland? Okay, okay, I understand that the argument there is that his franchise player also sucks. You got me!

Speaking of, I hope Tim sent Scott a tahnk yoo email last night for the Geno Smith move. Now Tim no longer has the worst franchise player in the league! What a nice favor Scott did for his friend there.

Anyway, Floyd will catch another touchdown this week against that porous Eagles secondary, but let's cool out with Tre Mason a little bit, huh? Benjamin is great, and Seattle is struggling, but let's see the young buck do something against a good secondary before we go wild. The DET DST, facing ATL in the UK, has a chance to be Tim's 2nd-best scorer this week.

You know, I'm old enough to remember when the Steelers sacked quarterbacks, and The Whitechapel Rippers won games. I'm saying it, this week is Throwback Sunday! TBS!



First, let me just say this. Weeks ago, when we were discussing potential trades, Scott kept offering me AP. I guess hoping I hadn't read the news in like 6 weeks? I told him I could trade him somebody he could franchise, like AJ or Calvin, if only he had something to offer me besides a 2-year waiting period for a return. He said he might just franchise Geno.

Now, I desperately wanted to report this in the previews, but I didn't because I didn't want to scare Scott off from actually doing it. Also, I thought maybe it was a test to see if I would believe just any old thing that he said.

When I saw the first email come in releasing AP, I was giddy with excitement. Would it be? Could it true? Would he really franchise Geno?

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yessssssssssssssssssss!


So, so great.

Such great stuff.

The only way it could've been better is if he franchised the Ravens defense.

Geno Smith. The man who almost got benched for Vick, even though Vick has openly admitted he doesn't really want to play, you know, in an actual game or anything. The man who currently has fewer points than Fitzpatrick, Austin Davis, and Kirk Cousins.

Now, it is a true statement that Geno Smith will only cost like $0.44 next season, so having him franchised isn't that big of a deal. And ordinarily I would say, hey man, nice point. Thanks for participating. And ordinarily you could say he can draft somebody next year and just replace Geno in the FP spot. And then I would say, perhaps you have forgotten the Trade of the Millennium(TM)? And then we would have a great laugh, realizing that Scott is going into next season with Geno, Sankey, Kendall Wright, and a lot of free time on draft night.

Oh man.

By the way, Scott beat me last week because I only scored 64 points, is currently 4-3, and has an excellent chance reach 5-3 because he is facing the dessicated corpse of Brian Williams' team.

FULL DISCLOSURE: Bri tried to pull off a trade with me this week, but we couldn't agree on a deal that we both liked. I will admit that I was probably unreasonably optimistic about the value of my players. On the other hand, it's pretty obvious that Bri is desperate for warm bodies this week. Khiry Robinson will likely miss this game, Zac Stacy lost his job, and Hakeem Nicks is probably dead. Sure, I was jacking up prices like an unethical hardware store after a hurricane, but this is America, baby! Also, I was kinda tickled by the idea of Bri actually trotting this roster out for a game this week if we didn't make a trade.

I mean, look at this fucking matchup. LOOK AT IT! This teams are so awful. Just repulsive. If either one of them reaches 60 this week, it would be a Rudyesque inspiration. It would be the #1 story on Upworthy Tuesday morning. And yet, there is an extremely realistic possibility than the winner of this game ends up leading his division. Hell, Bri could lose and still be in his division race at 3-5.

These teams. This game. God, it makes me feel like a musical savant who's still playing bars while Maroon 5 sells out arenas. Life is unfair.


Tuesday, October 21, 2014

AFFL Week 7 Review

SEASON: 22-21

FOLKS, let's get old fashioned with it. Let's return to a simpler time, when people wrote Thank You notes and didn't look down at their phones immediately after inquiring, "How are you?"

Let's return to the beauty of the written word in a medium where we have to time to think, to savor, to relish. To really ponder what all of this mean.

Plus, the podcast is just taking up too much damn time, and believe me, none of you are worth it.


Also, as the loser of the "Shut Your Mouth" match, I probably have to be quiet for a while.

The Bengals have scored -5, -1, and -2 points for me since I picked them up. If I had just kept the Bills, I would've won this game. If AJ Green and Calvin Johnson were in the lineup and not constantly hurt, I would've won this game. If I had played Joique Bell and resisted the lottery ticket appeal of Justin Hunter, I would've won this game. If Jay Cutler wasn't so bad that he incited a Brandon Marshall screamfest in the locker room after the game, Alshon Jeffrey could've had more than 9 yards and I would've won this game.

If, if, if.

But I lost. Again. And without enough points to make a convincing case that I deserved anything but a loss. And yet amazingly, or perhaps frustratingly, I am still in the thick of the playoff at 3-4.

As much as I'd like to point to Torrey Smith's garbage time touchdown as the 9.9 points that gave Scott a win he didn't deserve, that just balanced out starting Brandon Bolden over Kendall Wright, who caught another touchdown, but on Scott's bench.

Drew Brees even had a decent game with 18.3 points, although no, Brees is not the reason for this win. Scott would be the same 4-3 even without the trade. (America's Favorite Game Show has been replaced by the much less bombastic America's Favorite Statistical Oddity Observance)

And the decision to finally drop the Steelers defense paid off, as the shiny new Ravens defense posted a sporty 11 points for Scott.

So Scott gets the win this week, which is very satisfying I'm sure, and will be quite effective in all arguments about who more knows what he or she is doing until the season is over and I finish off higher than he does, which absolutely will happen.

I'm nothing if not constantly overly optimistic about my chances in anything, which is why I firmly believe I'll be the Democratic nominee for President in 2016. I just need, like, two breaks to go my way.


As has been pointed out, perhaps I can use my uncannily accurate prediction of how this game would evolve as a balm to soothe the stinging burn of defeat. And yeah, sure, it helps a little.

But then Tim pointed out that I almost ruined his week because he started Jordan Cameron. He said he always listens to me about starting Cameron. And this triggered a bit of an existential crisis because, as you see, Tim claimed he wanted to start Tre Mason instead.

Tre Mason, at Sunday sunrise, was the Rams' third running back. Facing what should be/used to be a great Seattle defense. Jordan Cameron was facing a terrible Jacksonville defense. Playing Cameron over Mason was absolutely the right play. But...Tim was right. I was wrong. Sure, I told him to play Michael Floyd, who had a touchdown and 10 points, but I also told him to sit Fitz. Instead, he play Fitz, sat Boldin, Boldin outscored Fitz 5 to 2, and none of this mattered a whit because Tim still won going away.

I am positive I have a good team. I knew Tim would win this game and how it would happen. And yet...he was right about playing Tre Mason, a decision that makes absolutely no sense. So maybe I don't know anything at all.


Hell, I didn't even talk about Gary's team yet, which has traded/cut both of his 1st round picks, has a 3-4 record, is still leading its division, and is Top 3 in Points For. Those four notes belong in two different paragraphs, one about a good team and one about a bad team. This is a really weird season.

For Lothbrok, Garcon and Patterson both scored touchdowns on the bench, and that is really going to screw with Gary's roster over the next two weeks, since he just made peace with benching both of them each week.


HGAC has officially reached the point where they are too good during the regular season and are now guaranteed to not win the title. They are 96 points ahead of the 2nd-highest scoring team in the league. Their WORST performance in the last three weeks was 111 points. Their bench alone (72.5 pts) would've beaten half the league this week. The bench would've beaten Whitechapel this week. They scored 114 with Cecil Shorts posting 1.4 points in a Jacksonville WIN, so they could've posted 130 this week with Beckham or Ivory in the starting lineup. They have so much confidence right now that they are trading players to the team they are playing THAT DAY without a thought.

(Though it was odd for them to move Romo and Colston plus a first round pick in this deal, essentially undoing their trade with Asstanner from 3 weeks ago.)

My. Goodness.

It is going to be an absolute travesty when Brian Barker or perhaps some Albert beats them 74-71 in the conference championship round. HGAC will spend the summer muttering about Foster's and Murray's injuries ruining his season.

Big noise and drama from TWR on Sunday morning about who was actually in the starting lineup. It was a lot like a Timfest, except Larry's emails came in well before 1pm and were grammatically solid. But in the end, the only excitement TWR provided in this matchup came from the emails.

Romo had a great game with 19.8, showing that perhaps he hadn't realized he had been traded away from HGAC yet. Oliver, Cooks, and Julio did nothing, and Gio not only did nothing but was almost killed on a swing pass. He's lucky his helmet stayed inside the stadium on that hit. Hell, he's lucky his brain stayed inside his head.

TWR has now dropped 4 straight after opening the season with 3 straight wins. Sigmund rolls into town next week, which is either a chance to right the ship and get back to .500 or the final confirmation that this is a doomed season.


Antonio Brown's 13.1 points last night made Bri's performance this week merely terrible as opposed to historically repulsive. Thanks, Tone!

The Kangaroo roster now has Fred Jackson, Rashad Jennings, and DeAngelo Williams all hurt, and Zac Stacy has been effectively benched. Meanwhile, I have more good RB1 options than I can literally get into the lineup. You would THINK we'd be able to work out a trade here. But maybe Bri is ready to just pack it in and enjoy a calm, relaxing season of nothingness, as opposed to watching his 10-4 team lose to Animal House in the playoffs. Smart!

I still think Runny is a complete fraud, but hey, if they can get 30 points from Wilson and 20 points from Bradshaw every single week, maybe I'm the one who's crazy. Or maybe they are actually a fraud.

Money on the table time! If Runny wins the title this year, I'll pay their 2015 entry fee. They can cash out in full after the season. BUT IF THEY DON'T...they pay my 2015 entry fee.

Acceptance of this bet or the sound of crickets on its terms will indicate whether or not Brian Barker is delusional about his team, or accepting of his fraudulent status.


There is so much going on around Christian and his team that I don't know where to start, I don't know where I'm going, and I don't know where I'm going to end up. I've already rewritten this paragraph three times, and I still am not walking into it confidently.

Sometimes we make bad decisions that work out (Scott and Gary), sometimes we make good decisions that don't work out (me), and sometimes you do things both good and bad at the same time and things go completely haywire (Chris, obviously).

The Cutler trade. Okay, fine. Decent idea, but giving away two extra picks was a bad thing. On the other hand, he's 2-1 and since the trade with two good Cutler games and one great Hilton game. Naturally, the other game for Cutler was so bad that the Bears almost broke up afterwards.

Finally cutting away terrible franchise player Chris Johnson was good, and franchising super cheap QB option Russell Wilson was better, but then he traded Wilson before he played a single game as the king.

Trading Wilson at about his highest value for McCoy at about his lowest value is maybe defensible, but giving up your first round pick in 2015 to do so, when McCoy has shown absolutely no sign that he'll carry you to the playoffs is...I mean, it's crazy. 

( mean, I am caught up in the whirling Christian vortex! It is all so confusing! So many points to make and I don't know how to string them together!)

So then - THEN! - Christian also makes this fairly ill-conceived trade during McCoy's bye week, robbing him of a roster player. Which meant that Christian was forced to start Percy Harvin this week, even though he had posted 4.2 - 0 - 3.4 - 0 in his last four games.

And so OF COURSE Christian had Percy Harvin on his roster. And of course the trade happened on Friday so that Harvin didn't play this week, Brandon LaFell had already played on Thursday, and the only roster option left was LeGarrette Blount. So of course Christian picked up hot free agent Andre Holmes, who promptly posted a 3.4 week, about equivalent to what Blount did.

And OF COURSE Christian is currently 3-4, like half the league.

He fell to 3-4 because his team scored 47.4 points this week, only a little bit more than Russell Wilson (35) scored all by himself. Hell, Little Baby Jesus' bench could've won this game on their own with their 48.5 points, a total that was slightly inflated by Sammy Watkins' 24.2 bench points. 

That's right, Semi benched Watkins for Antone Smith. A dude who has 16 carries and 12 catches this year, but somehow magically 5 touchdowns. A dude having the flukiest TD season in like 75 years of NFL Sundays. A dude who scored all of 1 point this week.

If Christian kept Wilson for one more week, waiting out McCoy's bye, he's 4-3. Instead, Semi is 4-3, and not at all regretting Sammy "Superstar" Watkins for Antone "Fluke" Smith. Must. Be. Nice.


And so, once again, when I want to complain about my foul luck, the trials and tribulations of Riggins' Riggs make me look like some 26-year white chick named Brylynne complaining that Starbucks spelled my name wrong on my cup of pumpkin spice latte with skim whipped cream. (OHMYGOD! WHO IS BRILYN!) Meanwhile, the dude behind me in line almost died in a chemical fire and only survived by receiving skin grafts from an elephant.

Riggins' Riggs, the 2nd-highest scoring team in the league, is 2-5 this season, all by themselves DFL. I guess that's what happens when you face the most points against this year.

(Incidentally, they are 46-31 in the All-11 breakdown, good for 3rd overall. But by all means, let's keep playing head to head. Let's keep the unpredictable luck involved!)

Brian Hoyer, 4.1 points against the lowly Jags. This is why you can never visit Believeland, Ohio. Only tragedy ensues. On the other side for Animal House, Ben Tate only put up 3.6 against those same Jaguars, but what does that matter? LeVeon Bell and Roddy White went big! Bell had his first touchdown since Week 1, and Roddy had his best game of the year.

By the way, Eli Manning? Who was so callously tossed aside on Wednesday by Riggins' in favor of Brian Hoyer? He had 21 points this week. Barker would've won if he had kept Eli, ignoring the Sirens that were calling to him from the rocky shores of Lake Erie.