SEASON: 40-20
During our matchup last week, Larry and I were texting and having a secondary contest to see who could feel sorriest for themselves. At least I won one of our battles.
Monday morning, Larry was certain he would lose but at least he'd be playing hockey and wouldn't have to watch Barkley and Beckham complete the comeback. I was equally certain that those guys would get me just close enough so that I could blame my loss on starting Rodgers over Brees. Or the Jets over the Jags.
When you lose by 0.8 points, there are any number of individual plays or decisions you could point to as the reason you lost. I'm sure there were at least a dozen I didn't see. But I PERSONALLY WITNESSED...
- The Jets cause a fumble on their own 1-yard line that the Bills recovered in the end zone for a touchdown. This was a 3-point swing against me.
- Eli underthrowing a wiiiiiiiiide open Odell on what should have been a 70-yard TD.
- Eli underthrowing Saquon on a wheel route that could've been a 50-yard TD.
- Saquon hurdling a guy and going out of bounds late instead of cutting upfield for an extra yard.
Who knows what screw jobs I'm still unaware of. And yeah, I was pretty pissed after Monday night. I was in and out of patience. I almost had to start a fight.
I won't lie. I was going to go radio silent and just blow off the entire rest of the season. But then I finally had my spirit broken and realized even that was pointless. The final blow came from the CBS bot recap, the portion that included the preview for this week. It noted that if I had played the same schedule as Meyers this season, I'd be...
...
...
8-2.
Can someone tell me the reason I'm in the chaos dimension? Trapped in a brutal invention?
I will try to not mail in the rest of the previews and to not promote any bad vibes during the holiday season. No promises. This season has broken my will. It has killed my love of the game. I am not in love in anymore.
ANIMAL HOUSE (6-4) v. THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (3-7)
One last indignity awaits me. Is anything more certain than the 1st round pick I traded for Tyreek winning the 2019 lottery?
The only thing I have left to play for is ruining the playoffs hopes of my remaining opponents and trying to ring up so many points that my final record becomes more absurd. And is there any doubt that I'm going to score like 125 points in a win this week now that my playoff are extremely slim. Like, oh say...0.7% chance?
Oh! I almost forgot the big news. I emailed Meyers yesterday ahead of the deadline offering him Rodgers since Brady was on a bye. I also asked about Bell. And I actually got a response! Don't ask me my secret, even I don't know what it is. But his plan is to keep Bell for next year, so say hello to Michael Thomas, #1 pick. I'm not sure that's the choice I would've made.
Meyers has a lot of good matchups this week, except for Andy Dalton against Baltimore, JuJu if AJ Bouye returns, and the Rams DST against the Chiefs.
I don't love the Jags against the Steelers (all defenses have a 50% shot of scoring negative points, which we should probably address), and I'm iffy on Collins even though every fantasy expert is hyping him up this week. But Golladay is the only remaining healthy Lions receiver, Brees is back indoors, and the Giants face the Bucs.
Very excited to pull off this meaningless win.
By the way, I'm not going to go back and check, but I'd bet I have the most bench points this season. Last night Rodgers and Carson just put more on the pile.
THE PICK: TDHGNM 117 - AH 88
HEISBENBERG (4-6) v. ASSTANNER (3-7)
To clarify a point that was poorly written, I didn't mean to imply I was the one who figured out Chris' ignore-the-draft strategy. It was obvious to the point that I'm sure many people caught on. I just meant that I shouted about it and mentioned that we could freeze him out so he doesn't win any more. Kind of like we did this year. That's all.
Chris did not bother getting a replacement kicker for Jason Sanders' bye this week, even though he had the cap space. I guess added Jordan Matthews was much more important for some reason. Any time you can add yet another WR that's all potential and no production, you gotta do it! Chris has 3 players going in the Atlanta/Dallas game, though Zeke is the only one I'd really count on doing anything. Jalen Richard has some potential against Arizona if Doug Martin doesn't hog all of the carries.
On the other hand, Gary jumped on Allen Robinson after one good game last week, is starting Corey Davis after one good game next week, assuming Julio will score a TD 3 games in a row, and is hoping Sammy Watkins is healthy enough to return this week. He's adding two of his own players to the Atlantas (Dallanta?) game. He and Chris should post up at B-Dubs to watch that game, get some wings, get a cider and a beer that are exactly the same color, forget whose glass is whose at least once, and then fart themselves to death on Sunday night.
The variance on this game is off the charts. At least it would be if I had any actual charts. I could see a low-scoring tight one, a high-scoring tight one, or a complete blowout.
THE PICK: HB 81 - AT 73
TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (6-4) v. RUSSELLMANIA (3-7)
Seattle neatly encapsulates the problem with properly planning for or predicting pretend football. They have an offensive coordinator, Brian Schottenheimer, who's been below average at best in each of his previous jobs, a guy dedicated to running the football like it's 1977 as the NFL moves to jet sweeps and slip screens. They have the #1 rushing offense in the league (good) but the #22 offense overall (bad) and a 5-5 record (neither). You would think that dedication to the run would be good for fantasy football, but between injuries, performance, and just plain old capriciousness, it's impossible to know if Carson, Davis, or Penny will do anything from game to game. From play to play, really.
This is a very roundabout way of noting that Rashaad Penny scored 4.6 points for Semi last night after scoring 17 last week. Next year we might finally see somebody intentionally draft both backs from one team and roll them out together each week instead of trying to parse the tea leaves for two teams. Speaking of, Corey Clement in the starting lineup? Jesus.
Scott's matchups aren't all that great this week, either. He's perfectly set up to be gifted a low-scoring win right in the heat of the playoff race.
THE PICK: TDHAF 67 - RM 45
WTTK? (7-3) v. LITTLE BABY JESUS (3-7)
Ryan Fitzpatrick is the only QB on Semi's roster now, so there is an extremely good chance he finishes out the season without a starting QB. Congrats to his division mates who will need a clutch win when they play him to make the playoffs.
He might also need a new WR this week as Marvin Jones might be out with an injury. If he's down, Semi will have to pull in Hyde, Freeman, or Maurice Harris (I had to look up what the M. stood for).
CBS thinks this one is going to be a blowout, but it's possible it could be close. Kerryon could get scripted right out of the game if a rested Carolina team lights up Detroit early, which is highly possible. Mixon is a little dinged up, Cincy is falling apart, and even though they are also falling apart, Baltimore still has a decent run D. The problem for Semi's upset hopes here is that his ceiling is McCamey's floor. Semi needs all of his guys to overperform while all of McCamey's underperform, and Rivers, Gordon, and DeSean will ensure that doesn't happen. I said it's possible it would be close, not that it actually would be.
THE PICK: WTTK 94 - LBJ 66
SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER (6-4) v. THE NIGHT BOYS (6-4)
I am still rooting for Tim to make the playoffs and to win the whole thing to cap off a random and ridiculous season, but...he makes it hard sometimes.
I emailed Tim asking if he wanted Rodgers for a playoff run and he responded saying he didn't have the cap room. It took me all of two seconds to figure out that if Tim traded just Nick Mullens in a potential Rodgers deal, he'd have the room.
(Side note: Everybody is aware that Gary's team sheets have living formulas in them so you can play with rosters and moves and such and find out if you'll be cap-compliant, yeah? This is common knowledge, right? Yes? Please?)
So I asked for a 1st for Rodgers. It sounds steep, but this is the year in which the herd has decided to stop being fussy about draft picks, and also Tim will be picking around 8 or 9 or so and a previous mock draft showed that the draft at that point will look like the plastic garbage islands in the Pacific. He countered with a 5th.
Now, in fairness, Goff is outscoring Rodgers right now so Tim doesn't necessarily need Rodgers.
About an hour later, Tim came back with an offer to rent Saquon. I send Saquon for a third, and then get him back next for a fourth. First, I am pretty sure we passed a rule against rental players after Gary creased the rules for DJ a couple of years ago. Second, you're going to ask me to light the league on fire one day after I already put the kindling in place verbally the day before and you're only going to offer me a THIRD for the pleasure? My god.
You all should be happy that my integrity is impeccable and unimpeachable.
All that aside, this match got off to a fun start last night. Credit to Tim for grabbing Aaron Jones weeks ago and not trading him to me when he wasn't getting the carries yet. We haven't seen the final team sheets yet, but hopefully Tim had the sense to put Jones on a contract with McCarthy on his way out and a creative offensive mind potentially coming to GB next season.
Here's an interesting quirk - only 5 total players in this one play an afternoon game. Not much will happen during the daylight hours, and then Cohen, Thielen, and CHI DST go for Barker Sunday night against Howard and Diggs for Tim. Then Monday night finishes it off with Goff, Woods, and Hunt for Tim, and Cooks for Barker. That's a lot of time in the spotlight.
Tim is just going to bring too much heat this week. No cheap wins for Barker this time around.
THE PICK: SS 119 - TNB 88
THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (7-3) v. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (6-4)
I know this is a somewhat odd claim to make about the #1 team in the league, and it's not a complaint about my season or a shot or anything. It's a cold, clinical observation. Bri's team is not that good. It's basically the QB slot and Gurley carrying 90% of the load, and then a rando having a nice week at the same time. If fact, if you look back through the scores and replace Gurley with a B+ running back who scores 15 points, TKSMB would be 4-6 right now.
If there's ever been a team set up to score 105 points in Week 14 when he's relaxing on his bye and then post a 68 in the semi-finals because Gurley twists his ankle or something, this is it. And I think Bri knows it. I mean, would you want to count on Lamar Miller, Tevin Coleman, and Manny Sanders in a must-win game? I don't think you would.
The old wisdom of never playing guys on Thursday night has been completed exposed this season as we've seen some prime time pinball. So you can't blame Larry for burning 3 rosters spots last night. But 10.8 points combined is not a great return on investment. Those are the kinds of numbers that cost a man his house.
But you know what? Mahomes, Evans, DJ, and Lewis will all be great this week, and when Lamar Miller and Coleman struggle, it will balance out Larry's start. Folks, we got a LEVEL 1 UPSET ALERT HERE!!!!!!11!!1
THE PICK: TWR 97 - TKSMB 91
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