AFFL Week 1 Review

THIS WEEK: 5-1

It's Brian Williams' fault that the picks weren't perfect this week, not mine.


THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY 102.1 - SIGMUND & THE SEAMONSTER 66.4

President Donald Trump receives word that The Dude broke 100 points to open up the season while arriving at the Flight 93 Memorial in Shanksville, PA (Sep. 11, 2018)

I will confess that there was a point Sunday afternoon when Tim and I were tied 45-45 and I was lamenting to Larry that if I lost the season opener to Tim, that would be a pretty dire outcome indeed. Then SAAAAAAQUOOOOOOONNNNN happened, Brees kept piling up yards and TDs and it was pretty much over from there. 

Now, admittedly, I am watching the backfield splits for Freeman, Collins, Carson, and Alf with a wary eye, but if Anderson, Golladay, and Brown keep doing their thing, it might not even matter.

So after 1 week, Tim is lowest-scoring Dead Drop team by 20+ points. That's bad. But he outscored The Night Boys by 20+ points. That's good. He can celebrate with a froyo with free toppings. That's good. The toppings contain monosodium glutamate. 

...

That's bad.

Jordan Howard will have a good season and Jimmy GQ will bounce back against softer defenses, but Tim has no bench and he should have some extreme concerns about Kareem Hunt. As a reminder, Hunt started off amazingly last year, then scored under 10 points for like 8 games in a row because Andy Reid stopped calling running plays. Hunt didn't bounce back last year until the Chiefs gave play calling duties to Matt Nagy, who's now in Chicago. Reid's worst instincts are now unchecked, and him calling a WR end around tap pass inside the 5-yard line TWICE on Sunday is not a good sign for Hunt's touches. Tim should put him on the block immediately before everybody wises up. He won't, though, because he WANTS to believe.

WTTK? 103 - HEISBERG 87.8

The preview had this one as 103-98, so Gary owes me an apology for completing screwing up half of my pick. -7.5 from your defense?!? The hell is that? 

One thing I've noticed in the past is that Gary gets extremely agitated if I make a lineup or roster suggestion, especially if it's one he was already considering, because he thinks I'll take credit for it. I absolutely WILL take credit for it, he's right about that. But knowing this, I tried to subtly hint that he should bench Doug Baldwin instead of playing him. He did do that and Baldwin posted a 0 after hurting his knee mid-game. Not the knee that he said hurt coming into the season, mind you, the other knee. So Baldwin now has a MCL tear in one knee and a mystery ailment in the other. Sounds like he's set up for a really big season.

Anyway, too bad Gary is so stubborn because he could've won this week with Stills in the lineup over Baldwin.

I said McCamey was good after the draft and he was good in Week 1. Not much more to it than that. He's going to look really good if Hogan lives up to expectations.

LITTLE BABY JESUS 111.5 - ASSTANNER 73.5

Although the Packers would be well and irreparably fucked if Rodgers went down, Semi could find another QB on the FA pile, so it's not quite as drastic for him. Still, I'm sure the Packers locker room cart didn't exactly inspire positive feelings for him on Sunday night. Rodgers is reporting a slight tear or sprain and says he can only play from the pistol or shotgun. That seems like a pretty bad idea with the Vikings coming up next week, but at least if they tear Rodgers' leg off, Semi will get the fumble recovery points for his DST.

Tyreek is going to be A LOT of fun for Semi this year, and since I am honest and noble about my mistakes, a reminder that last year I was on the fence between Martavis and Tyreek and drafted...poorly.

Chris did as well as he possibly could with this roster, and he still needed two Isaiah Crowell touchdowns just to lose by 40.

RUSSELLMANIA 94.2 - THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 79.4

I had this score nailed but for 2 points, except I had the teams reversed. Partial credit.

The hilarious adventures of Bri starting the wrong quarterback each week have already begun. Folks, do not offer Bri more than a 6th round pick for Cam. He has to trade Cam to open up his franchise spot for Gurley or DeShaun at some point, and he definitely wants the relief of not sweating who should start each week. You're helping him by making that trade and you should price your offers accordingly.

By the way, DeShaun plays TEN next week and Cam faces ATL and I don't know who should start but I do know that Bri will get it wrong.

Bri sensibly took my advice to start Tate over Hilton, he got 20 points out of Gurley, he got 15 points from his kicker, and he still lost by 15. And oh by the way, there is absolutely no help on Bri's bench, either.

If you're wondering how Bri is taking all of this, I floated him a Gurley/Odell package to fix his receiver depth and he yelled at me. So he is very, very tense about being 0-1 and possibly his entire season being over.

As for the other Brian, first round picks Amari Cooper and Shady McCoy combined for 4 points. That said, Dion Lewis and Manny Sanders combined for 36.5 points on the bench, so it's entirely possible we need to flip the two Brians in the preseason power rankings.

ANIMAL HOUSE 118 - THE NIGHT BOYS 45.4

Speaking of power rankings...Jesus. I'd advise Barker to chop up this team and sell it off for picks, but we just had a draft and this is what he came up with. They're already talking about firing Scott Linehan in Dallas, which can't be good for Dak and Gallup, the two starting TEs combined for 2.3 points, Bilal Powell was the Jets' starter for all of 1 quarter, and the entire Lions defense hates Matt Patricia already. The only silver lining, if you're desperate, is that the 6 bench players outscored the 8 starters 45.8 - 45.4

We said before the season that Meyers was the best team and he has the most points after Week 1. Not much more, is there?


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 99 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 80.5
In the preseason, I inquired about both Rodgers, Fournette, and Freeman. All three went down with injuries this week. So good luck with Gurley, BRI! 

Marcus Mariota as a franchise players is pretty much done with after that Pat Mahomes performance. 

Once again, on the honest and noble front, Larry took my advice to bench Landry for Marvin Jones. It cost him 5 points, but it didn't matter because Scott started Jordan Wilkins and Ben on the road. The only thing that kept this game even respectable was AP having a surprisingly good debut, which is the exact same thing he did in Arizona last year before turning back into a pumpkin in Week 2.