SEASON: 9-3
As we close out our first pass through the divisional games, we have some real heat coming up this week! McCamey trying to win one to shut me up, Barker vs. Barker and Albert vs. Albert with two of them trying to avoid falling to 0-3 at the hands of a blood relative, and the two highest-scoring teams in the league jockeying for the inside track for the #1 seed. This week's gonna be a real...
WTTK? (1-1) vs. THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (1-1)
In regards to grabbing Gio, I'd say 75% was about what he can bring me in the next 2-4 weeks, 25% was about cutting McCamey off at the pass this week since he has Mixon.
Maybe 50/50.
Ok, 25/75. And Gio will absolutely be on the trading block after this week if you're interested. I'm sure the Bengals are correct and a running back having surgery to clean up knee cartilage will only miss 3 weeks. Sounds about right.
Brees should outscore Luck by a good bit, and while I have visions of the Texans defensive line getting to Barkley before he's actually received the handoff from Eli, Odell is due for a touchdown or two when one of those slants finally pop. Golladay will get his as the Lions try to keep pace with the Pats, and if he gets the greenlight, I'm putting Marquise Goodwin in for Alex Collins. If Goodwin is no good, I guess I'll hold my nose and go with Collins, hoping he gets a TD or something. Or maybe Brown with the same hopes. I gotta say, my running back depth shallowed out pretty quickly this season. I need a few key injuries to get me back in the pink! Not that I'm...uh...rooting for strangers to get hurt like a psychopath or anything. Definitely not.
McCamey made the good and obvious call to slot in Hogan with Mixon out, though I wonder if Gordon takes off any Hogan shine right away. Melvin Gordon is oustanding, though the Rams might slow him down a bit, and Davante should be just fine against Washington. I usually think playing a TE - besides Gronk and Kelce - in this league means you've screwed up your roster somehow, but there's a decent chance Kittle scores in the Kansas City BBQ Blowout planned for Sunday.
This should be a pretty decent matchup, but I have a big advantage at the bookend positions of QB, K, and DST. Jacksonville going after Blaine Gabbert? Oh man. Come Sunday night, I'll just be hoping Hogan doesn't outscore Golladay by like 12 points.
THE PICK: TDHGNM 92 - WTTK 77
SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER vs. HEISENBERG
I'm not sure everybody has picked up on the sixth sense I have for calling Timmy upsets. He and I just vibe throughout the universe, I guess. But the other thing about predicting those special shooting stars is that you can never do it twice in a row. Especially when Carlos Hyde scores 22 points on Thursday.
Full disclosure: I texted Gary Thursday afternoon to get on record that I was not in favor of playing Hyde. And I was right! Until, uh, Tyrod got hurt and The Fabulous Baker Boy came in and electrified the entire northeast corner of Ohio. Free Baker Bud Lights for everybody!
Speaking of Carlos Hyde, Gary included a 1st round pick in his trade package for Hyde last season. That pick eventually made its way to Brian Barker and turned into Amari Cooper. Just some minor intrigue, but I wonder if you could trade Cooper straight up for Hyde right now.
Anyway, I had this whole thing prepared on how I was ready to call for a second straight Tim upset (Tupset? Timpset?) if he put Garoppolo in over Smith, but forget it now, I guess. I don't even have a reason to discuss Stefon Diggs going up against a Bills secondary that's down a man because...Vontae Davis retired at halftime last week. I know we've all heard about this by now, but really. He quit at halftime! That's like some 1970s NBA shit you read about in a book. Just up and left. Amazing. I love it.
I still don't think Gary will be all that great this week outside of Hyde, but 22.3 points is an awful lot of cushion. Dang. I really wanted that upset.
THE PICK: HB 91 - SS 74
THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (2-0) vs. LITTLE BABY JESUS (1-1)
Lawrence Schacht (SHuhkt) is 2-0 despite David Johnson doing less than nothing on a terrible team and Dalvin Cook tweaking his hamstring every week. But he's still scored 99 and 93 in the first two weeks, so maybe there's actually something here. I don't things will get any better for Johnson this week against Chicago, but maybe Cook can do something against Buffalo. Except...that might turn into a bye week halfway through the first quarter and the Vikings decide to run Latavius Murray to give Cook more time to snap back.
What those guys do or do not do might be irrelevant, though, with Pat Mahomes against the Niners and Mike Evans getting the Steelers. I...guess(?)...Evans will draw Artie Burns, who is like 8 inches shorter than he is? I guess that is what will happen.
And I gotta say, on Monday when I first noticed that CBS had this game tagged as like a 96-94, I thought it was totally absurd. Almost as absurd as last week when they said Drew Brees would only have 17 points and my whole team would only have 86. PAY-tently ridiculous predictions that both just happened to come true.
Semi spent $0.39 to bring in Tyrod Taylor for one week, have him lose one game, then ship him out in favor of Antonio Callaway, who is either going to supremely break out with Baker in the backfield or drive everybody insane with bad routes and bad hands.
I'm not fully buying the Philip Lindsay stuff after 2 games. The guy is only 5'7" and 187. This is just a little Tarik Cohen blip and that is a totally unbiased opinion utterly uninfluenced by my Royce Freeman contract. I mean it! But the Semi run and shoot offense is looking good this week and we're going to be watching Monday night to see if Mike Evans can cap off Larry's comeback and send him to 3-0. It's a yes from me, dog. Evans' 2 TD of the game in the 4th quarter will finish this one off.
THE PICK: TWR 102 - LBJ 98
***GODDAMMIT. I just read that Cook is officially out for Sunday. I'm gonna assume that Larry puts Marvin Jones in and adjust this prediction accordingly.***
THE PICK: TWR 99 - LBJ 98
***GODDAMMIT X2. Now Jones is questionable?!?***
THE PICK: LBJ 98 - TWR 90
THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (1-1) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (2-0)
When I first joined this league, Bri told me that either nobody beats Meyers except for him, or nobody beats him except for Meyers. I couldn't remember which one it was so I went and looked it up. From 2011-2013, the peak of the Cam/Arian Foster years, Bri 12, 11, and 11 games, winning one title and finishing as regular season champ the other two years.
(A cynic would note since his miraculously cheap Foster and AB contracts have disappeared, Bri has only posted double digit wins once in the past 4 years, but I'll leave it to you to be a cynic. That's not really my style.)
So as it turns out, in 2012 and 2013, Meyers beat Bri 5 times in a row, the final time coming in the playoffs. Bri had 6 regular season losses total in those 2 season and Meyers was responsible for 4 of them.
Bri snapped the streak in 2014 with a thrilling 71-59 win, but then Meyers came back in the 2014 Wild Card and dropped 125 points on Bri for a win. Since then, Bri has taken 4 straight from Meyers, though it should be noted that Meyers' highest score in those 4 games was 76 points and he dropped a 57 turd in there.
What does all of this mean? First, the CBS team history page is completely fascinating and you could blow a lot of time in there. Second, Bri only beats Meyers when AH scores 80 or below. Bri doesn't beat Meyers so much as he happens to be standing there when Meyers falls down.
As far as this week is concerned, I think Bri has the right idea starting Watson over Cam. Hey, you do it every week and eventually you'll be right! Me myself, I would play Breida over Lamar Miller and I'd even think about Tate over TY.
I know Meyers has basically looked like a Death Machine so far this season, but I think Bri gets at least one more game out of whatever gypsy curse he paid for.
THE PICK: TKSMB 94 - AH 77
RUSSELLMANIA (1-1) vs. THE NIGHT BOYS (0-2)
Brian is falling right into Amari Cooper's trap, starting him the week after he had a good game on the bench. This move does not ever work out ever. The Rams might be able to put a cap on Keenan, and Russ has to deal with an opponent that slows games down, leading to fewer plays, and an offensive coordinator who has exclusively been bad in his career. Clement might be decent, though.
5th overall pick LeSean McCoy is benched this week with a broken rib and also a growing criminal conspiracy and child abuse case against him. He...might not be good in fantasy football this year.
Going back into the stacks to browse history books again, Mike Barker had 11 wins in 2010, capturing the 1 seed. In 2011, he managed to scrounge up the 5th seed with a 7-7 record. He's missed the playoffs ever since, including finishing 11th and 12th. Six straight years on the outside looking in. If he falls to 0-3 this week, we can jump ahead and make it seven straight. Stairway to Seven, baby! Except in this case he'd be going down the stairs, I suppose. Back into the basement.
Speaking of Dallas slowing things down, Dak has been benched for Fitz this week. I am positive that, as usual, the bottom will drop out of the Fitzpatrick bandwagon at some point, but it certainly won't be this week with only token Steeler resistance. Thompson, Hopkins, and the Bears will all score plenty this week.
By the way, quick note on watching Enunwa last night. I knew he was good and Darnold liked him, but I didn't realize he was so electric with the ball as a big guy. He can really move. He might be the most dynamic Jets receiver since...Santana Moss? Laveranues Coles? Ever? Too bad they won't throw to him more than 10 yards away.
As for the score, even though Fitz isn't playing on Monday, there aren't going to be any dramatics here. He'll just be doing a victory lap. This one is going to be settled on Sunday.
THE PICK: TNB 87 - RM 51
ASSTANNER (0-2) vs. TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (1-1)
Tremendous, tremendous stuff.
You know, this game is hard for me to pick because I'll be happy with whoever loses, but I'll be unhappy with whoever wins. Scott definitely does not deserve to be 2-1, but I'd love to see Chris 0-3. Having them both 1-2 is probably fitting, but then Chris will think he's still alive and trade a first round pick for Devonta Freeman. No good.
I didn't realize Crowell harbored so much resentment towards Cleveland, but he seemed awfully inspired on those 2 touchdown runs. Not inspired to rush for more than 40 yards on the night, but still. Inspired. The Jets defense looked like they were going to notch 11 sacks in the first half and then Baker tuned them up and turned down their point total. Goff has 15 points in each of the last 2 weeks so we can probably guess this week's score now. Zeke and Thielen will be nice, as usual. Thielen's main concern is that Minnesota stops passing before your second beer on Sunday.
Fournette is questionable and even if he plays there's a chance he gets rested late in a blowout against the useless Titans. The only real question in this game is how many points will Scott be down by Sunday night, and what's the over/under on "We think Ben and AB can lead a Monday night comeback" versus "That's too much for anybody"? 30? Sure, easy. 40? A little tougher, but if they ham and eggs each other, 25+15=40. I can see it. 50? Welllllll...
There's a legit chance that Scott is losing 70-20 Monday morning. God, what a matchup. This isn't even dog shit. This is stepping in dog shit with fancy running shoes and the dog shit squeezes way down into a channel between two treads so you can't rub your shoe in the grass to get it off. You have the get the hose, take your shoe off, and aim carefully so as to not spray yourself with shit particles or get your sock wet.
Still, when Ben scores 28 and AB gets 23 and Scott completes the huge comeback to win 71-70, that'll be pretty funny.
THE PICK: TDHAF 71 - AT 70
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