SEASON: 5-1
After a disastrous 2017 season in which I was trying to sell off my team during the draft, after realizing in Week 10 that if I just kept my team together I would've been the #1 seed, after realizing that team still would've lost in the playoffs, after patiently building up a quiverful of picks, after totally busting out in the lottery...I'm feeling pretty good about how Week 1 went. I'm feeling like a...
By the way, last week's song does not actually mock common people. Instead, it's about a rich chick who wants to be a blue collar tourist because she assumes common people are so fascinating, but the common guy has no idea what she's actually looking for so he just takes her to the grocery store. The song is about mocking snobs. I tried to set you all up for an easy shot at me with just the tiniest bit of effort and...nothing.
Boring.
THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (1-0) v. HEISENBERG (0-1)
Gary has a source.
On Tuesday and Wednesday, he had Kenny Stills in his starting lineup, chasing last week's points in classic Gary fashion. Yesterday, Nelson Agholor mysteriously worked his way into the lineup. When I asked Gary about this, he said he expected Agholor to "get more targets".
Now...those are not Gary words. Between that and his claim that he ranked 95 people pre-draft, he has a source. He finally figured out CBS previews and rankings are trash and looked elsewhere. Anyway, if you can figure out what his source is, you can probably figure out who he's overrating or underrating and adjust your trade offers accordingly.
While we're on his lineup, he should put Stills back in over Freeman, who might not play at all this week, and if he does it'll be on a bad knee against a decent run defense. (***BREAKING NEWS*** Gary just put Lynch in for Freeman, which...okay. If you say so, Chief.) Rivers should be decent, but think about this:
- West Coast team traveling east for a 1pm start
- Road team that's a -7.5 favorite
- Home team that was blown out last week and everybody assumes is about to go 0-16
- Chargers are preseason favorite every year and then somehow go 1-3 with a ton of mistakes and injuries every year
On the bright side, Kamara cannot be stopped.
On my bright side, every pass to Kamara is points for my QB, Drew Brees. Hey, that rhymes!
I'm not too worried about Philip Lindsay long term, and I'm definitely not worried about this week when Royce will put up 15 points with a TD. Golladay is already Detroit's #1 WR and will run free against the Niners this week. Butker will be involved in a shootout and might post 12 points, and the Bears will handle the Seahawks with ease, especially with Baldwin out.
And I haven't even mentioned the superstars yet. Except for Fitz, all of Gary's players are going in the 1pm slot. For me, only Brees and Butker are. So when the early games wrap, there's a decent chance Gary will have a 40-point lead on me. Unfortunately for him, he'll be couch side for the Sunday night game, watching live game as his lead evaporates for the second week in a row thanks to Barkley and Beckham. Only difference is that this week it'll happen in the first quarter. That's gotta hoit!
Oh, one last Gary hilarity, or as I call it, a Galarity. Yesterday, he accused me of falsely benching Collins for Morris to inflate Morris' trade value, but I would put Collins in before TNF started. I guess the idea is that people would be looking at my roster Thursday afternoon to get a general idea of how I value players?
During the game, when it was 28-7 and I pointed out the game script was going away from Collins, he then harrumphed that I just got lucky. That I benched Collins for all the wrong reasons. It was like an old guy at a concert getting mad because you like the wrong songs. Anyway, Alf Morris is absolutely plunging into the end zone this week and posting 13 points.
Gary sure is something, man.
THE PICK: TDHGNM 101 - HB 75
TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (0-1) v. LITTLE BABY JESUS (1-0)
I know he's Aaron Rodgers and all, but I don't see how you can start him this week. I'm speaking to BOTH Mikes here, Sembrat and McCarthy. If Rodgers is just standing back there against that Vikings front 7, MM runs the chance of losing him for the entire season with one hard shot. MS at least runs the risk of losing him in the second quarter and having his QB only score 5 points.
Peyton Barber might be happy to post 5 points against that Philly defense, and we're getting near the points where we all give up on Corey Davis. Especially when Vrabel says that Glaine Babbert might take some snaps for the Titans this week. Still, Robinson has some nice potential Monday night and Tyreek against the Steelers secondary is almost unfair. Julio isn't going to score 18 points every week so he might as well save himself this week. Why waste a good week when Little Baby Jesus is just going to get smoked anyway?
Actually...hang on a second. Let's actually think about this one here. Ben and AB should light up the Chiefs since they're at home, something that has become beyond ridiculous at this point. How do you get WORSE on the road the LONGER your career goes on? AP might have one more good week in him because he's playing the Colts, but on the other side of the ball Scott is playing Jordan Wilkins, which...come on. Fournette is going to be a game time decision, and yeah, Scott has the great TJ Yeldon as a backup plan, but seems like we can't expect too much out of either one.
So both teams here have two good options, dinged-up quarterbacks, and then a bunch of trash. And the more I think about it, Ben is more likely to hold the ball too long and get hurt again than Rodgers. Though the Vikings will figure out a screen and slants only passing game pretty quickly.
I think I'm going to have to give a sight edge to Semi here, with Allen Robinson's 80 receiving yards becoming the difference Monday night. Though, let's be honest here, I mainly want to see Scott fall to 0-2.
THE PICK: LBJ 82 - TDHAF 78
THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (0-1) v THE NIGHT BOYS (0-1)
Somebody is guaranteed to fall to 0-2 here and while the easy choice is Barker, the hilarious panic that will ensue if it's Bri because he started the wrong quarterback again is pretty choice to think about. It's choice, bro! Bri has kept DeShaun in there for now, but I might think about Cam against a Falcons defense that just lost two key pass rushers. Maybe he's doing this because Barker has Hopkins and Bri wants to dilute his points?
There are no such concerns with the backfield, as Coleman and Miller are clear-cut starters this week and we don't really have to spend too much time on the merits of Todd Gurley. Plugging Kelce into a receiver spot against the Steelers makes enough sense, even though he only had 6 yards last week and it's possible that Andy Reid will forget about him entirely with Nagy not around to remind him anymore. But Golden Tate isn't exactly a sure thing. Let's not forget the Chargers defense going up against a small school rookie in his first NFL start.
Barker has moved away from the 2 TE power set that didn't work whatsoever last week in favor of a 1-4 run and shoot set, but you could list off a significant problem for literally every single person on this roster. Dak seems to be permanently capped at 200 yards passing and Dallas sucks. Thompson is electric, but limited by third down and passing sets. Powell maybe is the starter, maybe isn't. Enunwa...actually, he's solid. You know he's solid because I had him 2 years ago and had my eyes on him this year before I got Anderson. Hopkins...okay, there are two that are good. Demaryius would be better if he was Emanuel.
The point is, The Night Boys roster, as currently constructed, is a complete trash pile. I don't see much chance of going .500 this season, let alone competing for the playoffs. And looking around the league for expiring contracts, a 2019 top-2 pick might get Fournette, AB if Scott franchises Fournette, or Michael Thomas. Blowing the lottery and getting the 3rd or 4th pick will get...Bryce Love? Kerryon Johnson?
Next year's draft is going to be BAD. Barker needs to pull the Chris Albert zag when most people would zig and move his first 5-6 picks in 2019 for guys that can help him now. No team that is bad this year is going to get good through the draft next year.
For teams that Barker might approach offering picks, uh...ignore the paragraph above, I guess.
THE PICK: TKSMB 84 - TNB 71
WTTK? (1-0) v. SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER (0-1)
News has just broken that Joe Mixon is likely going to need surgery to clean up the knee he was gimping around on last night. No word yet on how much time he is likely miss.
If you're scoring at home, I've now made trade inquires on Aaron Rodgers, Joe Mixon, and Leonard Fournette, and they've all gotten hurt this season. I've also asked about AB, Melvin Gordon, Gurley, and Cam, so their time is coming! Y'all better move those guys while you still can!
And yes, if you're paying enough attention, I asked McCamey about both Mixon and Gordon. A genuine, bona fide blockbuster started taking shape yesterday before it fizzled out.
Anyway, is there anything more Tim in this world than having one roster spot active on Thursday night and starting off with a -3? Just gotta sit there for three days, staring at it, knowing you somehow managed to get WORSE once the ball was in the air. Pathetic.
On the bright side, credit to Tim for getting out ahead of next week's rush and grabbing Aaron Jones now. It's a move I was considering, so you can imagine how surprised I was to see Tim actually pull it off.
Tim is choosing Alex Smith against the Colts over Jimmy against the Lions, but he probably can't go wrong either way. Tim can successful navigate a QB platoon while Brian Williams struggles at it. Howard should be nice against Seattle and Hunt should be good if Andy actually remembers to give him the ball. Ekeler is a bit of a stretch since he's game- and TD-dependent and the Chargers could sleepwalk through 3 quarters, as mentioned before. And every carry or catch that stays with Melvin Gordon is a double loss for Tim. Then again, not like he has anybody better on the bench to try.
WTTK? franchise player Derrick Henry has been BENCHED. Kerryon Johnson is getting the start for WTTK? even though he doesn't get the start for the Lions or even a lot of carries. Gordon should be able to fight through any potential Charger problems, but Davante Adams is going up against Xavier Rhodes with a bad shoulder and an immobile QB. That has a 4-point game written all over it. And let's not assume McCamey's Packer defense will outscore Baltimore's -3 by all that much. I think this Mixon surgery news was the just start of McCamey's bad week and...
...
...folks, I got that feeling. You know how I get when I get that feeling. I get that twitch in my hips!
WE'RE CALLING IN AN UPSET!!!!!
THE PICK: SS 64 - WTTK? 57
RUSSELLMANIA (1-0) v. ANIMAL HOUSE (1-0)
Man, you think it's a big deal that franchise player Derrick Henry got benched? How about 5th overall pick LeSean McCoy getting benched?
Meanwhile, 7th overall pick AJ Green piled up 24.9 on Barker's head last night. Piled 'em up like a buncha Keystone Light cans on a dude who passed out.
Also benched is 11th overall pick Amari Cooper. Speaking of Cooper, we've only seen one game and so far Jon Gruden has described Cooper as the focal point of the offense (summer), a guy that is hard to get into the game (this week), and blamed Derek Carr for not getting Coop the ball (the following day).
Goddamn, that draft was butt.
Actually, if all Brian can do with 3 first round picks is find one starter, he should be racing his brother for player-for-pick trades, Cannonball Run-style. Brian has a better core to build around; if he gives away enough 2019 picks, he could put together a decent 2018 squad. Just gonna waste those draft picks anyway.
As for this week, this is a decent starting lineup with those trash picks thrown on the side of the road, but I'd try to figure out a way to get Josh Gordon in there, especially if we might be heading for another Saints shootout here. I'd bench either Lewis or Ajayi, though Gronk is no sure thing against Jalen Ramsey.
I realize I've spent this entire matchup preview talking only about Brian's team. It's because Animal House is so good that they're boring. He basically has all perfect matchups this week. If Jacksonville holds Brady to like 15 points or so, that will be Meyers' worst skill player of the week.
THE PICK: AH 119 - RM 80
ASSTANER (0-1) v. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (1-0)
I can tell you with confidence that Larry had Cam-sized dreams for Marcus Mariota. So did I, really. They just never came to pass. One look at Pat Mahomes last week and it was over for poor Marcus.
Looking at David Johnson against the Rams and Drake against the Jets and Evans against the Eagles...and then at Zeke against the Giants, Thielen against the Packers, and Funchess against Atlanta with Greg Olsen out...I kinda...I'm picking up the upset gun one more time. I'm aiming it...I'm stroking the trigger...
...but then at the last moment Dede Westbrook pops up like a terrified mom shielding a baby in one of those cop training courses and I have to put the gun down. And there's no way Crowell is going to score more than 8 after scoring 22 last week. We've been seeing this same pattern from him for 2 years now.
Larry is going to have to sweat this one out Sunday night, but he'll ultimately hold on for a very disappointing and unimpressive victory.
THE PICK: TWR 71 - AT 66
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