- Joe Tessitore is absolutely fucking hideous as a play-by-play guy
- The entire MNF crew is a complete trainwreck right now, but Tessitore is a guy who can single handedly ruin a party
- Joe Tessitore loves Italian places with watery pasta and 2 cups of bright red sauce heaped on top of the noodles because the owners gives him free stuffed mushrooms because Joe is "his guy"
- I fucking hate Joe Tessitore
- Philip Lindsay is indeed pretty good, but he's De'Anthony Thomas or Tarik Cohen
- I am probably biased, but Royce Freeman is the real deal long term
- A fantasy guy I follow on Twitter talks about the "assumption of rational coaching". The Broncos have decided that Devontae Booker is their 3rd down/passing back in a complete vacuum of evidence that he can actually do that and he gets waaaayyyyy too many snaps.
- Freeman should get more initial carries, Lindsay should get the Booker work, and Booker should be cut.
- Pat Mahomes looks like he's from Elliot.
ASSTANNER 145 - THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY 99.2
Historically, scoring 100 points most likely means you're going to get the W. My score this week was enough to beat 33 out of 48 possible opponents this season, but sometimes you run into a team that puts up the most points since 2014. It happens.
That said, I would like to apologize to the entire league for letting you down in this spot. It was my job to push Chris to 0-4, end his season early and save us all a lot of hassle this year. But I just couldn't get it done. Outdoor Brees gave up red zone snaps to Taysom Hill (don't get me started on that) and Odell is still waiting to go off. Eli overthrowing a wide open Odell by 5 feet multiple times might have something to do with that.
Goff had 5 TDs, Zeke led the Cowboys in rushing AND receiving, Maher kicked 4 field goals, a late pickup of the Packers DST added 20 more points. All of these events are completely sustainable and repeatable and Chris is totally back in this thing even though he's technically in 11th place right now.
(An intellectually honest person would note here that Chris is 1-3 with the highest Points Against total right now, but that's not me so I'm not going to do that.)
HEISENBERG 111.4 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 69.4
So, uh, looks like the Rippers just fell apart like the Bluesmobile. It's nice that Mahomes' worst game is still worth 20 points, and that David Johnson got in the end zone, but there's not many positives here. Kenyan Drake is officially not going to happen, and that's technically a positive if you're happy to have the finality of knowing. Larry's bench outscored Gary's bench, which I guess could be seen as a positive.
I didn't think Kamara would suddenly be bad or anything, but I definitely did not think he'd score even MORE this season. I don't want to get too far into regression or opportunities or historical averages or anything, but it's possible that Kamara's touch-to-touchdown is so atypical simply because he's extremely goddamn good.
(Fun historical note that everybody probably already knows: Kamara was in the same Alabama backfield with Drake and Derrick Henry before transferring to Tennessee.)
Carlos Hyde continues to perhaps be worth a first round pick in that trade? Gary is good this season, what else can I tell you?
THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 117.9 - LITTLE BABY JESUS 70
I think it was Matthew Berry who pointed out that Julio is currently on pace for 2000 yards and 0 TDs. Lindsay and Allen Robinson were able to find the end zone, not that it really mattered. Tyreek had 30 points in Week 1 and 27 points combined in Weeks 2-4, but the problem is you can't bench a guy who is always one touch away from a 115-yd TD.
All of the Jesus disciples have a similar trajectory, actually. Semi scored 111 in Week 1, and then 66, 67, and 70. The only positives were that Alshon's and Corey Davis' good games on the bench were not the different in this one.
DeShaun Watson and Todd Gurley were the difference in this one, and I love that Watson looked enough like his old self that Bri will be right back to not knowing which QB to start in a given week. Bri made the right call in ignoring my Breida recommendation and Sony Michel finally came to life.
Man, there were just a LOT of points out there this week. Bri left Golden Tate's 25 points on the bench and it's not even a footnote in this game.
SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER 99.3 - RUSSELLMANIA 65.1
After yet another blowout loss, Brian Barker drove up to Hillside Manor sometimes after 2 am to talk a little while about his team. The problem is his team is all a lot of oysters but no pearls. It's been a long September and there's no reason to believe this year will be better than the last. For him, this season has already gone by so fast.
McCoy and Gronk combined for 8.1 points in the starting lineup. Amari Cooper had 18.8 points, which is great, but Barker left on the bench. I tried telling him this is how Amari Cooper works! Start him next week and he'll be right back to 2 points.
Austin Ekeler continues to rack up touchdowns and we cannot deny the possibility that Tim is good despite all historical precedence.
WTTK? 103 - ANIMAL HOUSE 58.4
I had a trade worked out with McCamey last week that was contingent upon him losing this week, falling to 1-3, and beginning to pack his team away into storage. Then he goes out at puts up a 103 even with a 0 from Sammy Watkins and -2 from the Dolphins.
Quick aside, I'd like to apologize to my fellow Dead Drop divisioners for being the reason we only went 3-1 this week and not 4-0 as predicted. I will try to do better next time.
McCamey was yet another owner who left a huge day on the bench (Luck's 32.5 points) and still cruised to a big win. Must be nice having all of these reserve points you don't even need.
AJ scored a touchdown to win the Bengals' real game, but it wasn't nearly enough to win Meyers' fake game. James Conner was held back by...I mean, let's just say it. Randy Fichtner is not one of the league's great offensive minds. We don't overreact like a Monday caller to Mark Madden's show ("Rob from Carrick, you're on." "Ben should RETAHR TODAY and we should trade HIP HOP ANTONIO FOR ADAM THIELEN."), but Meyers might regret tying his team so closely to the Steelers offense.
THE NIGHT BOYS 114.1 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 88.9
There's no better sign that scoring is way, way up this season than Barker averaging 60 PPG in the first 3 weeks, starting ANDY DALTON this week, and posting 114 points. Bad teams starting Andy Dalton is usually a Week 9 bye week give up thing. This season, it's solid strategy!
Barker got TDs from both of his tight ends, plus DeAndre Hopkins. He started Rashad Penny after Carson was ruled out, sensibly enough, and then had to watch somebody named Mike Davis come in and run for 140 yards and 2 TDs instead. If he had just left Tarik Cohen in, he could've scored 130+, but here we have our fourth team this week with huge bench points while still winning.
Leonard Fournette, who costs $1.92 and is likely a top-2 pick in then barren 2019 AFFL draft, scored 3.5 points before leaving the game with an aggravated hamstring. That created an aggravated Scott who is now trying to trade Fournette after turning down 3-4 offers for him in preseason.
Ben is off lately, Randy Fichtner is off permanently, and if Ben and AB don't do something big every single week, Scott basically has no chance of winning unless the schedule gifts him some cupcake.
That said, I would like to apologize to the entire league for letting you down in this spot. It was my job to push Chris to 0-4, end his season early and save us all a lot of hassle this year. But I just couldn't get it done. Outdoor Brees gave up red zone snaps to Taysom Hill (don't get me started on that) and Odell is still waiting to go off. Eli overthrowing a wide open Odell by 5 feet multiple times might have something to do with that.
Goff had 5 TDs, Zeke led the Cowboys in rushing AND receiving, Maher kicked 4 field goals, a late pickup of the Packers DST added 20 more points. All of these events are completely sustainable and repeatable and Chris is totally back in this thing even though he's technically in 11th place right now.
(An intellectually honest person would note here that Chris is 1-3 with the highest Points Against total right now, but that's not me so I'm not going to do that.)
HEISENBERG 111.4 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 69.4
So, uh, looks like the Rippers just fell apart like the Bluesmobile. It's nice that Mahomes' worst game is still worth 20 points, and that David Johnson got in the end zone, but there's not many positives here. Kenyan Drake is officially not going to happen, and that's technically a positive if you're happy to have the finality of knowing. Larry's bench outscored Gary's bench, which I guess could be seen as a positive.
I didn't think Kamara would suddenly be bad or anything, but I definitely did not think he'd score even MORE this season. I don't want to get too far into regression or opportunities or historical averages or anything, but it's possible that Kamara's touch-to-touchdown is so atypical simply because he's extremely goddamn good.
(Fun historical note that everybody probably already knows: Kamara was in the same Alabama backfield with Drake and Derrick Henry before transferring to Tennessee.)
Carlos Hyde continues to perhaps be worth a first round pick in that trade? Gary is good this season, what else can I tell you?
THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 117.9 - LITTLE BABY JESUS 70
I think it was Matthew Berry who pointed out that Julio is currently on pace for 2000 yards and 0 TDs. Lindsay and Allen Robinson were able to find the end zone, not that it really mattered. Tyreek had 30 points in Week 1 and 27 points combined in Weeks 2-4, but the problem is you can't bench a guy who is always one touch away from a 115-yd TD.
All of the Jesus disciples have a similar trajectory, actually. Semi scored 111 in Week 1, and then 66, 67, and 70. The only positives were that Alshon's and Corey Davis' good games on the bench were not the different in this one.
DeShaun Watson and Todd Gurley were the difference in this one, and I love that Watson looked enough like his old self that Bri will be right back to not knowing which QB to start in a given week. Bri made the right call in ignoring my Breida recommendation and Sony Michel finally came to life.
Man, there were just a LOT of points out there this week. Bri left Golden Tate's 25 points on the bench and it's not even a footnote in this game.
SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER 99.3 - RUSSELLMANIA 65.1
After yet another blowout loss, Brian Barker drove up to Hillside Manor sometimes after 2 am to talk a little while about his team. The problem is his team is all a lot of oysters but no pearls. It's been a long September and there's no reason to believe this year will be better than the last. For him, this season has already gone by so fast.
McCoy and Gronk combined for 8.1 points in the starting lineup. Amari Cooper had 18.8 points, which is great, but Barker left on the bench. I tried telling him this is how Amari Cooper works! Start him next week and he'll be right back to 2 points.
Austin Ekeler continues to rack up touchdowns and we cannot deny the possibility that Tim is good despite all historical precedence.
WTTK? 103 - ANIMAL HOUSE 58.4
I had a trade worked out with McCamey last week that was contingent upon him losing this week, falling to 1-3, and beginning to pack his team away into storage. Then he goes out at puts up a 103 even with a 0 from Sammy Watkins and -2 from the Dolphins.
Quick aside, I'd like to apologize to my fellow Dead Drop divisioners for being the reason we only went 3-1 this week and not 4-0 as predicted. I will try to do better next time.
McCamey was yet another owner who left a huge day on the bench (Luck's 32.5 points) and still cruised to a big win. Must be nice having all of these reserve points you don't even need.
AJ scored a touchdown to win the Bengals' real game, but it wasn't nearly enough to win Meyers' fake game. James Conner was held back by...I mean, let's just say it. Randy Fichtner is not one of the league's great offensive minds. We don't overreact like a Monday caller to Mark Madden's show ("Rob from Carrick, you're on." "Ben should RETAHR TODAY and we should trade HIP HOP ANTONIO FOR ADAM THIELEN."), but Meyers might regret tying his team so closely to the Steelers offense.
THE NIGHT BOYS 114.1 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 88.9
There's no better sign that scoring is way, way up this season than Barker averaging 60 PPG in the first 3 weeks, starting ANDY DALTON this week, and posting 114 points. Bad teams starting Andy Dalton is usually a Week 9 bye week give up thing. This season, it's solid strategy!
Barker got TDs from both of his tight ends, plus DeAndre Hopkins. He started Rashad Penny after Carson was ruled out, sensibly enough, and then had to watch somebody named Mike Davis come in and run for 140 yards and 2 TDs instead. If he had just left Tarik Cohen in, he could've scored 130+, but here we have our fourth team this week with huge bench points while still winning.
Leonard Fournette, who costs $1.92 and is likely a top-2 pick in then barren 2019 AFFL draft, scored 3.5 points before leaving the game with an aggravated hamstring. That created an aggravated Scott who is now trying to trade Fournette after turning down 3-4 offers for him in preseason.
Ben is off lately, Randy Fichtner is off permanently, and if Ben and AB don't do something big every single week, Scott basically has no chance of winning unless the schedule gifts him some cupcake.
No comments:
Post a Comment