AFFL Week 8 Review

Another thoroughly mediocre week for my team, but another incredible week for the picks. The picks are 16-2 over the last 3 weeks. And that's not just from taking chalk. There have been some upsets mixed in there.

So there's a new hex for me. Once I gave up hope, I was granted total clarity and a vision of the future.

This week, it wasn't just the W/L picks, either. When I look at how some of my point predictions turned out, all I can think is...




SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER 73.3 - THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY 67.9 👍
Naturally, Tim started Amari after that pointspalooza last week, so naturally, Amari had 5.5 points while DeAndre Hopkins naturally had 28.4 points on the bench. Not that it mattered. Interesting factoid: the Saints are 5-2 even though Brees is on pace for his worst numbers since arriving in New Orleans. I guess them finally giving the ball to Mark Ingram helps.

This might sound crazy, but I don't think my team is bad. There have been 3 AFFL scores in the 40s this year, 2 in the 30s, and Larry posted a 25 once. Only once have I posted the worst score of the week, so with incredible schedule luck, I could be 7-1.

My guys are just aggressively mediocre. I usually score between 65-75, but I never have two guys going off in the same week. I never have that amazing game that can push me up to 90. I just have pluggers.

Forget that, let me sell you on some of my players if you're thinking trade. Everybody is available, but did you know that Carlos Hyde is top 10 RB and just got a new QB? Or that Adam Thielen has the 2nd-most receiving yards this season? He scored his 1st TD this week and if you think 5 TDs is a fair season total for him, that means he'll score 4 TDs in the next 8 weeks. Or that Dion Lewis' carries have gone up every single week? Or that Marlon Mack will be a super athletic starting RB if the Colts trade Gore this week? Or that I have 2 kickers on high-octane offenses who cost $1?

Just for the historical record, though, there were 4 defenses I could've picked up and won with this week. Carolina, Indianapolis, New England, and Atlanta. So there's that. Add it to the hex pile!


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 71.6 - THE NATIONAL RAZOR 65.2 👍
Gary got a little too deep into the Kahlua Friday night and wrote...

"a) you just want me lose, I'm not actually gong to louse, and

b) I wanted to sign Howard after I drafted him but couldn't do it. I'm not chasing points this year, I'm looking ahead to next year when Brate is gone and he's the next Gronk."

Well, he lost. 

But also...he couldn't sign Howard after the draft? So...Gary is claiming he couldn't sign Howard after drafting him in the 10th round because "reasons." He cut Howard to get his final roster down to the right size, choosing instead to keep CJ Prosise and Ted Ginn.

Of course, two days later he cut Prosise for Logan Paulsen (???), only to turn around and cut Paulsen for Wendell Smallwood the next day. Two weeks later, he dropped Smallwood and picked up Jason Witten. The next week, he picked Smallwood back up. Then he dropped Witten for Andre Ellington.

So all this time, Gary is churning players, but never brings back "the next Gronk." If he would've cut Ted Ginn before the season, he could've had "the next Gronk" on his roster for like $0.25. He picked up Logan Paulsen and Jason Witten before "the next Gronk" in a league that doesn't even require tight ends. 

Finally, OJ Howard has 1 good game so Gary drops Andre Ellington for him. 

Gronk is such a generational talent that his numbers need to be compared to wide receivers, not tight ends. Gary has the next generational talent on his roster for $0.25 and just lets him go free? And then when Paulsen, Smallwood, Witten, Smallwood again, Ellington, Ginn, and Prosise don't pan out, he never thinks to go back and claim the next generational talent? He somehow only remembered his scouting report on Howard after a 20-point game?

I dunno. Seems dubious to me.

PS, Howard had 1.6 points this week.

And I predicted this game would be 70-66. Not bad.

WTTK? 72.5 - LITTLE BABY JESUS 55.9 👍

I predicted 74 points for WTTK? this week, which is not bad. Though, in fairness, the original CBS projection was 72 points. 

On Friday, I was all set to make an incredulous comment about Paul Richardson being in McCamey's starting lineup. Then I thought that if I did, the way things have gone for me this year, Richardson would have an incredible game. Richardson had 105 yards and 2 TDs and actually had a 3 TD called back on a penalty. So I was right. To, uh, not say anything.

The great Joe Mixon had a decent score thanks to receiving yards, but he had 11 carries for 18 yards. On one sweep, he actually tripped himself. Joe Mixon, ladies and gentlemen.

Also, McCamey won despite starting 2 tight ends on purpose.

Wait. Semi is having a kid?! I didn't even know he had someone to put a kid into.

RUSSELLMANIA 98 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 85.5 👍

I predicted this one would be 103-83. Not bad. 

Russ threw 4 TDs and Lamar Miller had 2 TDs, though Julio continues to disappoint. 

This is just a tough loss for Scott. He would've beaten 7 other teams this week. Melvin Gordon had an 87-yard TD run. Dallas had a defensive TD. Ertz scored yet another TD. But it came down to QBs. Brian had Russ, Scott had Jameis and his very sorry 3.3 points. He also, in a way, had Ben, who could only get AB to 7 points. This season might really be it for Ben, which makes AB a very interesting franchise player next year at like $1.91 and Josh Dobbs throwing to him. 

THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 100.4 - THE NIGHT BOYS 39.9 👍

We all know Bri is lucky. Starting the worst of your 3 QBs but still scoring 100 points? Lucky. A what-the-hell 9th round pick on Deshaun Watson? Lucky. Leaving Watson's 30 points on the bench and not even having to worry about it? Lucky. Two defensive touchdowns? Lucky. 

None of that is even the luckiest thing that happened this week. Let's talk about Isaiah Crowell. Crowell has been utterly useless this season. Zero TDs through the first 7 weeks. An expensive contract gumming up Bri's roster. His best week was 8.6. Two different weeks under 4 points.

But Bri needed him this week because of byes. Well, maybe not needed. There were multiple free agent RBs and WRs with more points on the season than Crowell. But Bri held him for an extra 4 weeks just so he could use him this week. So of course Crowell puts up 118 yards and a touchdown.

I mean...what the fuck? How does this shit always happen for Bri?

Or fuck, how about getting to face an opponent who puts up 39.9? Only 3.9 for Dez? Only 6.3 for Dak? You guys don't have to give it Zeke EVERY time.

Ridiculous.


ASSTANNER 96.3 - ANIMAL HOUSE 87.1 👍
Zeke's temporary restraining order was knocked down tonight, so his suspension is back on. Except...the NFLPA will appeal tomorrow, so the suspension is still holding. At this rate, Chris is going to win a 3rd straight title with Zeke scoring 40 points in Week 16, then the suspension will kick in for next year, so Chris will be able to draft Zeke in the 6th round with his first pick of the 2018 draft.

It's all so stupid.

Neither of these teams started a defense this week. I'd suspect a gentlemen's agreement, but I don't think Chris or Meyers even have each other's emails. Torrey Smith played but still had a 0, so Chris had 2 positions combine for 0 points and he still put up 96. That'll happen when your backfield teams up for 70 points. That includes Jerick Goddamn McKinnon putting up another 20 points.

Unbelievably enough, Meyers started JuJu this week. Though all his 25.3 points did was make this game seem closer than it was. Only 13.1 for Le'Veon, another mediocre game for Michael Thomas, and another mediocre game for McCaffrey. McCaffrey is just a flat out bust at this point.

AFFL Week 8 Preview

LAST WEEK: 4-2
SEASON: 29-13

This is the first season I've been unintentionally bad. I tanked once before, but that was essentially a garage sale to throw out all of the garbage that Chris left behind when his franchised was foreclosed on.

I'm sure you all have lots of input on where I went wrong and such, so let me just say...



THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (2-5) vs. SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER (5-2)
Actually, I'm am enjoying the freedom from caring about fantasy football. Especially because this season is historically bizarre. There have been 6 shutouts in only 7 weeks this season. There were only 5 shutouts in the previous 32 weeks. It makes sense that my traditional smarts wouldn't work in a non-traditional season. If anything, being bad this season is more of compliment than anything else.

In that vein, I'm telling you that I'm not going to respect whoever lucks themselves into the 2017 title. It's going to be like the year Crash won Best Picture. That's one of the worst movies I've ever seen, and you're one of the worst champions I've ever seen. Whoever you are.

So all I have left to hold my interest for the next few weeks are trades, and I will hear out any offer for any player. You need a cheap backup kicker? I'm your guy! You need WR or RB depth? I'm your guy!

And oh hey by the way, I know the 49ers suck, but Carlos Hyde is currently the #9 RB overall. He's 1 point ahead of Devonta Freeman. (Through line - Kyle Shanahan called Freeman's plays last year and Hyde's this year.) Surprised more people haven't come knocking for him. Especially since he's cheap, on a 1/2 contract, and a free agent who can sign anywhere in 2018.

And it's not just my players I can trade. I'll probably have the #1 waiver spot through the freeze. I'm happy to take waiver wire request and then flip a player to you. I'll be your waiver middle man, sure. I'll even trade for one of your expensive players and cut him myself to eat the cap hit for you. For a price.

Let's see...what else is interesting about me? Well, I'm toying with the idea of signing Marlon Mack. The last time didn't I sign a super dynamic rookie back on my roster because he hadn't taken over the starting job by the roster freeze, it was David Johnson. But if I sign Mack, do I get my 2017 stink on him?

Lastly, I'm not picking up a replacement defense this week. Not because I'm quitting, but because the available defenses are so iffy there's no guarantee they won't put up negative points. It's a strategic decision.

Oh! I have one more 2017 hex for you. It was my rule suggestion to stop picking up college players and I supported it the loudest. And now I have two college players I really, really want. So that's fun.

Guess I should also talk about Tim in the preview.

Tim's gonna win this week.

THE PICK: SS 88 - TDHGNM 61


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (2-5) vs. THE NATIONAL RAZOR (4-3)
One thing we have not talked about enough this season is how Gary should have David Johnson on his IR spot, except he created this rental player exemption and then closed the loophole after he got picks back. It's a little like how there is a new Trump scandal daily so we move on from the old ones except not a goddamn single interesting things has happened in this league in all of 2017, so, yeah. We should be talking about this more.

You know...teams that can pressure Brady give him fits, and Melvin Ingram and Joey Bosa have more sacks combined than most teams right now. Here's Melvin Ingram last week:

Please someone tell me how @MelvinIngram got penalized for roughing the passer? I guess hitting the QB hard with a clean hit is a penalty 😂 pic.twitter.com/dvPoizbUDk

— ⚡️#LACvsNE (3-4)⚡️ (@ChargersLegion) October 23, 2017

Hilton and Garcon should be limited by good defenses this week, and Devonta Freeman isn't even as good as Carlos Hyde, so Gary is going to struggle this week.

Also, Gary signed OJ Howard to a 2-year contract this week. Any time you can lock up a rookie TE who isn't yet his team's starter because he had 1 good game, you gotta do it!

Larry struggles every week, but all of his guys have pretty good matchups. Except for Frank Gore who is slowly losing his matchup with time. It's upset time, folks!

THE PICK: TWR 70 - TNR 66


LITTLE BABY JESUS (3-4) vs. WTTK? (2-5)
Trying to improve your football knowledge this season isn't really working out, so let me try to improve your life knowledge if I can. Here's your first one. Some of the best comedy being created today is on...

Black Twitter.

What is Black Twitter? It's Twitter, but black people. Some celebs, some actual comedians, and a whole bunch of normal folks that are just unbelievably funny. It's like this whole other world. I'm already on the edge of sounding like I'm trying to gentrify something ("It's just so authentic here!"), but trust me. Outstanding comedy every single day.

Okay, I'll give just one example. Remember when Under Armour came out with Air Dad 1s?

Somebody on black Twitter started a thread asking what's the worst you've ever been roasted for your shoes? I'm on the couch next to Nikki and Abby just heaving with laughter. Crying. For 30 minutes. They ask me what I'm laughing at and I'm all (Eddie Murphy white guy voice) "They're making fun of peoples' shoes."

There were HUNDREDS. My favorite was a dude whose mom got him some knockoff Nikes. The Nike logo was upside down. A dude in school shouted that he was wearing Air Newports.

I died. I'm dead right now, in fact.

THE PICK: WTTK? 74 - LBJ 63


RUSSELLMANIA (4-3) vs. TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (4-3)
Is Jameis actually playing this week? I don't know anything about this matchup except Zach Ertz is going to score a TD.

THE PICK: RM 103 - TDHAF 83


THE NIGHT BOYS (3-4) vs. THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (4-3)
I went to bed at halftime last night because I don't need Ryan Mallett and Matt Moore in my life. Looks like I missed pix-sixes. Those are probably going to save Bri, because Jay Ajayi is not doing much this season. This is again where fantasy football is just like poker. Drafting Ajayi in our first round is probably the right thing to do. Locking up a starting running back is probably the right thing to do. But sometimes the flop comes and it's an offensive line that can't block and then the turn card is a coach angrily saying his best offensive players need to actually try.

Here's a fun stat I saw today. Alex Collins has more rushing yards this season than Jay Ajayi on 50 fewer carries. Here's another fun thing I saw. Alex Collins on Barker's bench with 14.3 points.

In other news, Deshaun Watson and the Texans almost walked out of practice today after they had heard own Bob McNair said "The inmates can't run the prison." during a recent players-owners meeting. Deandre Hopkins actually did walk out.

I know Boomers are super nostalgic, but I'm not sure about them bringing back You Can Be Openly Racist And Say Derogatory Things With Zero Consequences. I'm not surprised that America - the world, really - is racist. I am really surprised that within the past 3 years, all the racists all at once decided they weren't hiding any more.

And...look, I'll just say this so political thoughts don't run out on me. All these Second Amendment folks? The ones are not actually part of a well-regulated militia? The ones who say they need to arm themselves to protect themselves from a tyrannical government? First, I don't know what's more tyrannical than agents of the state summarily executing people with a shot to the back with no trial. Second, Afghanis were pretty armed. Iraqis were pretty armed. They couldn't stop drones dropping bombs from 25,000 feet. If the U.S. Government wants to "take back" rural Michigan? Guess what, Ron? You're fucked.

THE PICK: TKSMB 102 - TNB 77


ANIMAL HOUSE (4-3) vs. ASSTANNER (5-2)
I...we're supposed to talk football here. But GODDAMMIT. We live in a country where 600 people can be shot in 45 minutes, we half care for two days, then stories come out about how the shooting victims can't afford their hospital bills, and NOTHING IS DONE.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?

Actually, I can tie this into the league somehow. A couple of years ago, Gary and I had a mini-row over email about him being terrified of ISIS being inspired by the San Bernardino shooters. I told him he had a better chance of being shot by a white guy at Robinson Town(e?) Cent(re?).

Fucking white guy shot 600 people.

The 21st century American dream is simply NOT getting fucked raw somehow by something you can't control. Great work, everyone!

Okay, enough. Let's get positive. JuJu is outstanding. Already a local treasure AND he's going to be really good. Dial 1-900-976-JUJU.

Chris overpaid for Willie Snead a few weeks ago and has yet to play him. I think. I'm not gonna go back and check. Fuck everything.

THE PICK: AT 97 - AH 67

AFFL Week 7 Review

My hex powers are absolutely out of control right now. I can usually focus them, but at the moment it's like a X-Men movie when Cyclops gets his glasses kicked off. The hex is just spraying everywhere. I'm getting hex all over my pants. Nothing is going right for my team, but the picks are 10-2 in the last 2 weeks and 29-13 on the season.

But the crazy hex part is, the team picks are doing well because my player previews are so bad. I say one guy will go off and he sucks and another guy will suck and he goes off and it balances out with a good game pick.

Anyway,  I went looking for hot water. I shouldn't be shocked if I got burned by it.





THE NATIONAL RAZOR 72.7 - THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY 67.5 👍
Honestly, it's hard to pick the best thumbnail summary of my entire season. Amari Cooper only had 5.1 points since I traded him and 20.5 points on the season, but once I said trading him was my best move of the season, he scored 33 points in a single game. And Tim didn't lose even though he benched Cooper. Which, I mean, did 10% of players start Cooper this week?

That's a good hex. But is it as good as Latavius Murray? I used #1 waiver priority to grab Murray instead of Aaron Jones. I used my second waiver pick on Jones. Murray lost the job to McKinnon in a quarter, Jones went on to steal the job from Ty Montgomery. Of course, as soon as I cut Murray for Brett Hundley, Murray went off for 18 points.

That's a good hex. But is it as good as ending Martavis Bryant's Steelers career by drafting him in the first round and giving him a 2 year contract? And I won't lie here, I went into this year's draft with the sole aim of landing Martavis. I have him in both of my leagues.

I want to keep Marlon Mack, but do I even risk it?

Anyway, I am fine with the fate of this season. I accept it. I have mocked Scott and Gary for going 2-12, but I really don't care what happens to me this season. I look at it like this. I cook a lot and I'm good at it. Pasta from scratch, fish tacos, top notch grilling, I have a smoker, I make my own bacon, I can roast a whole pig. I can get shit done in the kitchen. But one week I really wanted some veal piccata. I bought the veal, the lemon, the butter, the capers, dredged it, fried it, made the sauce, and I really fucked it up. Way too bitter, too many capers, too much salt...it sucked. 2017 is my veal piccata season. I'll bounce back.

Gary won this game with 70 points. Congrats. I'm sure he has a very good team.

Actually, we can talk about this game a little bit more to extend the hex talk. I started Brett Hundley in fuck it mode, which cost me the game. I started Martavis over DeSean because of Friday's talk that the Steelers would feed Martavis. That cost me the game. Tom Brady intentionally deflected a shotgun snap to Brandin Cooks on a sweep and they credited that as a touchdown "pass". That cost me the game.

Oh, one last hex thing. I was facing Brady and Jake Elliott in both of my leagues, so I had 2 come from ahead losses Monday night. Elliott's final field goal meant I lost my other game by 0.1 point. Also, PS, I would've won both games if I benched Martavis.


ASSTANNER 99.6 - THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 78 👍
You know what? Chris was right about Tyrod Taylor a few years ago, and he was right about Carson Wentz this year. The hex is so bad in 2017 that I like Chris more than myself.

Ezekial Elliott might be the only player in the league who has been good every single week. Wait, no. Only 2.2 points in Week 2. Still, he's the most consistent player this season. Maybe Kareem Hunt make 1a and 1b.

Torrey Smith didn't see the field Monday night, Dan Bailey re-aggravated his groin injury during the game, the Chiefs posted -4.5, and AJ Green was shut down and Chris still ran away with this game. Getting 63 points from 2 running backs apparently goes a long way.


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 86.1 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 58.2 👎
Is Zack Ertz ever going to not score a TD? I mean, it's every damn week with this guy. Jameis did play despite injury and had one of his best games of the year. Bucs still lost, though. Hard Knocks is beyond boring at this point, but one thing it's still good for is that you can learn if a head coach is any good within 5 minutes. There's just something about the CEO / leadership role that's so totally different from being a good play caller / blitz sender.

Dirk Koetter was not very impressive.

Feels like Larry did not have Orleans Darkwa and Tarik Cohen on his preseason radar, and yet here they are, starting in his backfield. Frank Gore is crotchety about these kids infringing on his Ripper turf.


SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER 75.7 - ANIMAL HOUSE 69.9 👍
You know how when your team misses the playoffs you adopt another team just to have something to root for? I'm doing that with Tim this year. All aboard the Tim Train!

Maybe I'm just a biased fan, but you can't blame Tim for not starting Cooper this week. His previous 5 games were 2.8 - 0.8 - 0.9 - 0.6 - 3.3. Scores out here looking like a dang IP address.

Kareem Hunt hasn't been as dynamic the last 4 weeks, but his lowest total is still 11 points.

Meyers was pretty close to winning this one, and it's up to him to decide if he's most upset about the Cardinals DST scoring -2.5, Gronk for not catching a TD, Christian McCaffrey for being a huge letdown, or Steve Sarkisian for ruining the Falcons offense.


THE NIGHT BOYS 109.6 - LITTLE BABY JESUS 67.8 👍
This is the highest Night Boys score this season by 27 points. It may seem like it came out of nowhere, but I did predict 96 points for them this week. I still know a few things here and there.

Dak had a huge game, Aaron Jones needs to be signed to Rex Burkhead's 2-year contract slot ASAP, and Chris Thompson is the best Washington RB by far.

You know how in past season's we chuckled at Barker's horrible luck? Him all having decent scores but going 5-9 because he gave up 1000 points? So far this season he's plucked Aaron Jones from the waiver wire, got Chris Thompson to stay hot after getting picked up, and got a TD from Chris Ivory this week in an emergency start.

Alex Smith and Tyreek Hill are the new Rodgers and Jordy, it seems. Credit to Semi for having the brains and the guts to bench Jordy, but it looks like AP's triumphant return to prominence only lasted one week.


RUSSELLMANIA 77 - WTTK? 66.7 👎
For the 2nd time this season, Derrick Henry had a dud game in a week when Murray was supposed to be hurt. The Joe Mixon breakout that every expert declared was coming never came. McCamey started Davante Adams, possibly because he didn't hear that Rodgers was hurt. Had he paired Jordan Reed with his Cousins start, he would've won.

Nelson Agholor almost outscored Julio again until Julio ripped a TD ball away from Malcolm Butler late.

My favorite thing about Terrelle Pryor this season is that his existence means that Martavis Bryant is not the worst 2017 first round pick.

AFFL Week 7 Preview

LAST WEEK: 6-0
SEASON: 25-11

Come Tuesday, it's certain that we'll have two 5-2 teams controlling the league. It's also certain that we'll have two 4-3 teams feeling good about themselves.

And it's possible - though maybe not likely - that we have EIGHT 3-4 teams sinking to the bottom of the toilet like a big brown log. Sure, technically that log has its own top and bottom, but really, it's all shit. If you're the top of shit, you're still shit.

Even if we don't achieve the shit singularity, we'll still at a point in which 66% of the league is just...




THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (2-4) vs. THE NATIONAL RAZOR (3-3)
My team is not good. I am under no illusions. The only thing I've done right is traded Amari Cooper before it was too late. Though if Chris tanks without his backs and the 1st rounder he gave me for AJ turns into a lottery pick, that would be pretty good.

The only chance I have at winning this week is Martavis shocking everybody with a long TD, Mack shocking everybody with a long TD, Dion Lewis shocking everybody with a long TD, and Thielen just catching a TD, which he hasn't done this season. But the fact that I still picked up a kicker with Fairbairn speaks to my optimism. As well as my tremendous integrity and concern for the league's competitiveness.

Gary could've traded Emmanuel Sanders, and now he's hurt. He could've traded Andrew Luck but now he's done for the year and has to be cut in order to keep Freeman. I recommend trading CJ ASAP.

All that aside, I am not going to enjoy watching Sunday Night Football when Brady and Freeman give Gary the lead in the first quarter and then continue to run up the score on me.

THE PICK: TNR 81 - TDHGNM 58


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (4-2) vs. ASSTANNER (4-2)
The fact that we need a court order every week to know whether or not Zeke can play is a true testament to Gooddell's incompetence. Having Zeke run against the Niners is much better for Chris than having Wayne Gallman not run against Seattle, that much we do know. In fact, Chris pretty much only has good matchup this week. Even LeSean should have his first good game since Week 1.

Bri is going to have to cave somewhere. Either he moves Cam at a discount rate, cuts Crowell and carries $0.91 against the cap for nothing, or he lets Deshaun walk after the season. In fact, if anything, Bri should be packaging Cam WITH a pick. That's how obvious it is that we'd be doing him a favor by clearing out that contract for him. I offered to take on Crowell and eat the cap hit myself in exchange for considerations, but Bri claims he needs Crowell for Week 10, after the freeze, due to byes. Me, I would cut Crowell, find somebody on the FA pile that can also score 3 points (PLAYER NAME: Anybody, At All) and sign Deshaun, but what do I know?

Actually, I know that keeping a shitty, expensive player for 10 weeks just so you can use him as a bye week fill in, costing yourself a great, cheap QB, is a terrible move. So this is where Bri will cave. He will also cave on the scoreboard this week.

THE PICK: AT 93 - TKSMB 71


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (3-3) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (2-4)
Scott and I have been talking trade on AB all week, and it's going about how you might expect. I've given him a really fun, clever trade option, but he might hold AB to make a run this year. Of course, if I took on AB, I could send the franchise Jaguars DST back to him. LO AND BEHOLD, Scott needs a DST this week! It's perfect.

Then again, he also needs a QB with Jameis out, and might have to play Blount and Forte with Fournette and Murray out.

Assuming Larry takes Dalvin Cook out of his starting lineup (how did he get there in the first place?), I'm calling for the upset. And what a devastating upset it will be. Scott is trying to win and loses, Larry is trying to tank and wins. These guys can't do anything right!

THE PICK: TWR 68 - TDHAF 54


SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER (4-2) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (4-2)
Meyers picked up JuJu? When did that happen? I swear, all of his moves just happen with no warning. The Sunday night is obviously pretty key for Meyers, considering he'll have Ryan and Gronk trying to make up a deficit. You would think that Ryan wouldn't have much problem against the Pats secondary, but this game is on the road, outside, and the whole Falcons offense has been off track since Kyle Shanahan left.

Still, Meyers might be down 30 points by the time the sun goes down Sunday. I'd be more excited about Brees against the Packers if the game was in our southernest state and not our northernest, but even if Brees struggles, Ingram should run wild. Especially if the Saints are bleeding the clock in this Brett Hundley game.

It'll be close Sunday night, but Tim will go to be atop the AFFL. Assuming he can stay up that late.

THE PICK: SS 88 - AH 83


THE NIGHT BOYS (2-4) vs. LITTLE BABY JESUS (3-3)
Semi has AP, Marshawn, AND Jamaal Charles. What year does he think this is? Me, I know it's 2017 because those 3 guys are only costing his $2.92 in cap space. In 2013, that trio would've set him back like $6.50. But now? Man, it's like 2 of the original members of ELO are playing the Washington County Fair billed as Electric Night Orchestra for legal purposes.

Barker's another guy who's going to win this week when he needs to lose? Doesn't anybody know how to tank around here? Do you guys really want to sneak into the #6 seed with a 6-8 record?

THE PICK: TNB 94 - LBJ 72


WTTK? (2-4) vs. RUSSELLMANIA (3-3)
The best receiving cob in the league is starting Nelson Agholor this week. That's how quickly things have changed in 2017. First round pick Terrelle Pryor has been a huge disappointment, right? Guess what? Julio Jones only has 10 more points. Only 1.66666666666666666667 more points per week. Agholor is actually outscoring Julio by 20!

Cousins will have to throw to keep up with Wentz, which is good for McCamey, but the last time DeMarco Murray was hurt and Henry had big points the previous week, he put up a 6. Additionally, every single article I read this week said Joe Mixon will break out against the Steelers and finally prove his value, so guess how that's going to turn out. Davante Adams without Rodgers and Jaron Brown at all?

Man, both of these teams have some huge holes this week. I guess...

THE PICK: WTTK? 64 - RM 60

AFFL Week 6 Review

Yooooooo! I won AND the picks went 6-0. It's been a while since I felt this good! Sometimes I just can't get enough of myself!




THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY 69.3 - ASSTANNER 55.5 👍
I assume Gary's annual "I can't put your moves through at 12:59pm on Sunday, guyz!" email was in reference to Chris trying to pick up a kicker last minute. But if that kicker was anything like his other pick ups this week, it wouldn't have made a difference. Picked up Michael Floyd, who scored 0.5. Traded Jeremy Maclin and a pick for Willie Snead, then benched Snead, who scored 1.1 points. Neither Maclin nor Snead would get picked in the 4th round, so good luck figuring out that trade. Torrey Smith, who was not a new pick up, scored 0.6.

Though, honestly, around 2pm I was fairly upset by the thought that Jerick McKinnon was going to upset me. Why is he scoring 20 points?!? Around 4pm I was upset by the thought that I am never going to start or bench Buck Allen correctly. But then Carlos Hyde slipped into the end zone for a second time, then DeSean got in there once and all of the upset thoughts just melted away.

By the way, if you're wondering, I don't have any concrete thoughts on the Martavis trade request rumors just yet. It does seem like pretty odd timing, though.


RUSSELLMANIA 75.2 - THE NATIONAL RAZOR 57.7 👍
T.Y. Hilton did not get into the end zone, as I predicted, but this game wasn't that close anyway because Brady didn't do that much on Sunday. TY, BTW, has scored 20+ in 2 games this season and 4- in 4 games this season. TY is like a concentrated version of AJ.

Actually, maybe he's a concentrated version of Gary. Gary has gone over 100 twice, but has been under 70 thrice. That's the exact type of team that loses a playoff game in heartbreaking fashion. Kamara was serviceable after last week's breakout, Garcon should've done much more against a very banged up Washington secondary, and Freeman...I mean, Atlanta probably wouldn't have blown a 17-point lead at home if they handed it off more. CJ Anderson, what the hell are you doing? 1.7 points from a guy Gary thinks is worth a 1st round pick in a trade?

I feel like Brian Barker wants to just go into tank mode with this team but can't because he keeps winning every other week. Interestingly, aside from Week 4 when he posted 111 on Brian Williams, Barker has been between 69-77 points every other week.

This is the worst, weirdest fantasy season I've even see. Whomever lucks ass backwards into the title should never take credit for winning this season.


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 84.8 - WTTK? 83.6 👍
Wowwwwwwwwwwww. Derrick Henry was 1.3 points away from creating one of the greatest moments in AFFL history. They would've brought back Alcoa Fantastic Finishes if McCamey pulled this one out. And I woulda missed it! I went to bed at the 2-minute warning.

The fascinating, remarkable, and stunning gap between Crabtree and Cooper TDs continued this week, and Ajayi had another usable game. Kelce was held down for the first time in a while, and Ty Montgomery is now totally useless between Aaron Jones and Brett Hundley.

But the Ravens were the real difference here. 2 defensive TDs, 2 fumble recoveries, and 4 sacks. Take away a single one of those and Bri loses this game.

PS, Brian Williams should've sprinted to Semi's bed side once Rodgers was hurt. It was a glorious chance to move Cam and franchise Watson. But it looks like Brian Barker had the same idea and beat him to it. I like to imagine that Barker cut off Williams like so:



John Brown caught a TD this week. Unfortunately, McCamey has Jaron Brown on his team. He did not catch a TD.


ANIMAL HOUSE 96.4 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 59.7 👍
Larry had a full roster this week and more than doubled his scoring. That said, when you start with 25 points this week, you probably need to quadruple your score and no K or DST is going to do that for you.

Oh, speaking of, Dustin Hopkins got hurt this week and his now on IR. So we'll soon get to soon whether or not Larry will bother picking up a kicker for the rest of the season.

Michael Thomas had 11 receiving yards in a 52-38 win. Remember August when everybody said he was a breakout player? Remember two weeks when everybody said Latavius Murray was a good pickup? Remember four days ago when everybody said Elijah McGuire was a great spot start against the Patriots? We're all just fooling ourselves here, folks, pretending that any actual knowledge goes into this.

Gronk and Bell combined for 260 yards, 3 TDs, and 0 injuries, which is an absolute best case scenario for those two.


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 117.3 - THE NIGHT BOYS 72 👍
You all are aware that Scott wants to move AB so he can extend Fournette, right? Problem is, there are maybe 3 three teams in the league that could take on AB as a FP, which is why he offered up Murray later in the week. But, I mean, would you rather trade for a 2/3 RB with constant hamstring issues and a young backup breathing down his neck? Or would you rather wait until 2018 and draft Fournette yourself? Seems like a pretty easy choice if you ask me.

On the other hand, maybe Scott should just live in the now and run at a 2017 title with the team as is. He's scored 241 points in the last 2 weeks. When Zach Ertz is posting 13 points on 18 yards because he had 2 TDs, it might be your year.

Here's something interesting. Scott and Brian Williams are perfect trade partners. Bri could franchise AB, cut Crowell and sign Deshaun. Scott could use Cam on a 1/X with Jameis hurt and franchise Fournette. There's only one problem. Why would either one of them be eager to help out their only real competition for the title in an incredibly soft season? The irony of losing the title game to a guy you traded away is probably too much to ever live down.

The Kevin Hogan experiment ended for the Browns in just 1 week, and I assume it ended for Barker as well. A shame to waste a 21 point effort from the Texans defense.


SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER 102.7 - LITTLE BABY JESUS 42.9
Then again, maybe it's Tim's year. Kareem Hunt only had 21 rushing yards and still managed 11 points. Adrian Peterson, who never got any carries, somehow was holding Ingram back because he went off for 26 points this week. The Vikings DST didn't get any bonus points for ending the Packers' season, but it was perfect timing the week that Timmy was facing Rodgers and Jordy.

Fun quirk. In both of my leagues Rodgers and Jordy are on the same team. Semi can trade for Alex Smith, he can start AP next week and chase those 25.6 bench points, but his season is over. Problem is, the competition for the #1 pick is probably going to be tougher than the competition for the title this season.

AFFL Week 6 Preview

LAST WEEK: 4-2
SEASON: 19-11

We dedicate this week's song to the Dolphins' former offensive line coach. He thought he was her daddy but she had five more.





THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (1-4) vs. ASSTANNER (4-1)
Whooooooooooooooo, Zeke! Oh baby! He can kneel for the anthem this week if wants! Ain't nothin' Jerry can do to him when he's sitting at home!

Dallas is actually on a bye this week, so Chris will be without Zeke in Week 6, Week 7, Week 8, Week 9, Week 10, Week 11, and Double Week 12. He'll be back for the last game of our regular season and the playoffs, assuming Chris can even make the playoffs, even with a 4-1 head start.

Legal proceedings aside, also sitting this one out due to bye are Shady, AJ, and kicker Dan Bailey. Plus, this is also newly relevant Alfred Morris' bye. Oh, and Dalvin Cook is gone due to injury. This week is the part of season documentary when Liev Schrieber grimly intones, "But the Asstanner did not realize at the moment that this was the season's high water mark."

If that's not enough for you, Devante Parker is hurt, Wayne Gallman isn't going to do a thing against Denver, and Kendall Wright isn't going to do a thing against Baltimore. Jerick McKinnon, who ruined my Latavius pickup last week, is going to need to score about 60 points to hurt me for a second week in a row.

So...I am happy to have landed Odell and I'm happy to sign him to a contract. He'll be expensive in '18 and '19 to be sure, but I now feel like I essentially have 3 first round picks next year.

Let me tell you how I almost blew it.

I had it in my head (incorrectly) that I'd have the #1 waiver priority for any waiver player this week. I figured I could grab Mack on Tuesday, and then when BB dropped Odell for somebody on Tuesday, I'd also have priority for Odell on Wednesday. As it turns out, I had priority for Mack, but using that move burned my priority for the week. The priority doesn't reset until next week. So I got Mack, yeah, but I fell back in line on Odell.

While fighting off mild heart attack system with half an aspirin, I asked Gary to erase my Mack move and give me Odell since we had discussed it Monday. He (correctly) told me my move had to stand. Lucky for me, half the league couldn't even afford Odell due to cap problems and I ended up getting him anyway. Not my finest moment overall.

But after all of that, was it even a good move? Well, when I was kicking myself for my stupidity, Gary told me not to worry. I'd probably still get Odell because nobody else would even go for him because picking him up was the wrong move because he'll be so expensive in '18 and '19. On the other hand, after the pickup was announced Brian Williams emailed me within 10 minutes to say it was the only good move I've made this season. So figure out whether you like Gary or Bri better and there's your answer.

But here was my reaction:



Oh! The game! I almost forgot. My team is not good. I'm looking at it this week and there's simply no way to talk myself into competing this year. And yet...I'm going to win this week simply because of Chris' roster problems. And it's entirely possible that after this week five teams will be 4-2, five more will be 2-4, and the other two will be 3-3. I'm potentially 1.5 games out of the playoffs with 8 games left.

I just can't win many more of those 8.

PS, I didn't even want Mack and Perine that much. I only picked them up so Chris can't have them for this game.

THE PICK: TDHGNM 65 - AT 50


THE NATIONAL RAZOR (3-2) vs. RUSSELLMANIA (2-3)
Kudos to Brian Barker for figuring out a way to make a kicker cost more than his listed price. Thanks to his Bryant-Rams-Folk-Bryant debacle, Brian is paying $1.86 for Bryant this season even though he only costs $1.64 this year.

Brian has 27 players listed on his 2017 team sheet, a number that makes even Chris shake his head. He had five players on his roster for a single week. Matt Stafford is practically a veteran, having lasted two weeks. He has $0.06 of cap room at the moment, though he could drop Alex Smith and the Rams after Seattle's bye this week.

He had a ton of picks coming into the season, he made a ton of splashy trades before the draft, he's had a ton of bad luck, and he's made a ton of mistakes.

Reminder: This was the #1 ranked team coming into the season. This fantasy life is wild.

This might be one of the toughest games to pick so far this season. It's even tough to pick who I want to win. Gary falling to 3-3 would be hilarious, but Barker falling to 2-4 helps me in the division. Both Brady and Smith should have good games, but an edge to Brady. Lamar Miller can't have two good games in a row, and even though I'm flexing Kamara in my other league, I'm skeptical about the classic rookie-second-string-RB-whose-had-one-good-game-so-far-that-happened-to-be-last-week. But I like Duke, who is now Cleveland's best RB ahead of Cr😞well, and I like Freeman against Miami.

Julio and Keenan have good matchups, whereas TY is on the road, and Sanders might get Janoris Jenkins at times. Barker has a DST edge, but Matt Bryant is questionable and he cannot afford another kicker this week without dropping a name brand player like Demaryius.

Man, close one. Definitely coming down to TY on Monday night as we're all watching. But TY will not get in the end zone, wasting a huge game from Brady.

THE PICK: RM 81 - TNR 79


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (3-2) vs. WTTK? (2-3)
Cam looked baaaaaaaad last night. It didn't even matter that he was throwing into triple coverage because he was so inaccurate that he missed all four guys by 10 yards. It was so bad that I was waiting for Romo to explain how a coach will call plays for a comeback when a QB can't hit his receivers.

It helps that franchise players can now be 1/Xed, but even with his salary at $0.74, I can't see anybody offering more than a 5th rounder for such a bad QB. Maaaaaaybe Brian Barker, who needs to prioritize cheap over good right now.

The problem is that Brian Williams, as you know, is an accountant. A QB who only costs $0.74 and can be 1/X is a real asset in this league. It would physically pain him to give away such an asset, even a damaged asset, for such a pittance. Cut Cam? Please. He probably has a special script running on his AFFL league page that fires off a big, red ERROR! YOU ARE NOT PERMITTED TO MAKE THIS TRANSACTION! warning if he tries to drop Cam. Like if you try to write off 150% of your salary in TurboTax or some shit.

But!

He also has DeShaun Watson, who only costs FORTY CENTS. Now THAT is an asset! That's an asset you need to keep. Problem is, all of Bri's contract slots are full. So he needs to do something in order to keep DeShaun. Trade Cam for what he thinks is not enough, go against the entirety of his being and cut Cam, or go against part of his being and cut "starting" running back Isaiah Cr😢well, eating $0.62 or so in cap space for nothing.

Quite a pickle.

Anyway, DeShaun should be great again this week, but Cousins should be even better against that Niners defense. Crowell and Ajayi will do nothing, and Gurley could be limited by a Jacksonville selling out to stop the run like they did against the Steelers last week.

Then again, outside of Cousins and maybe Abdullah, McCamey is rolling out a whole lot of nothing this week. Jordan Reed could have 20 points or 2 concussions, Derrick Henry is getting 10 carries, John Brown is all or nothing, and the Dolphins defense? Really? Going into Atlanta? Okay.

Bri gets away with one here.

THE PICK: TKSMB 73 - WTTK? 66


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (2-3) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (3-2)
I mentioned that I essentially have 3 first round picks next year, but Larry goes into 2018 with David Johnson, Dalvin Cook, Mike Evans, and a potential lottery pick. Not too shabby. Hopefully the wait is worth it because there is no point in talking about this matchup or the rest of Larry's 2017.

THE PICK: AH 69 - TWR 50


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (2-3) vs. THE NIGHT BOYS (3-2)
Barker is starting Kevin Hogan this week, which is fitting because he is turning into the Cleveland of the AFFL. This team dedicates itself to the musical memory of Doo Doo Brown.




Scott lost the first 3, will win the next 3, and here we stand.

THE PICK: TDHAF 85 - TNB 49


SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTER (3-2) vs. LITTLE BABY JESUS (3-2)
Semi is only paying $0.90 for Peterson for the rest of the season. That's a $1.61 discount from his Week 1 contract price. That has to be the biggest in-season price cut on any player in league history. You could fill out an entire roster of players who don't cost $1.61. Bri has TWO quarterbacks that don't add up to $1.61.

As for Semi's other players, Rodgers always gets by against Minny, but Xavier Rhodes will shut down a gimpy Jordy. Tyreek had a hamstring problem this week, but if he's healthy, the Steelers don't have anybody that can come close to covering him. Lynch is cooked, but Hogan should put up at least 16 against the Jets.

Jordan Howard is really good. Watching him last Monday, he is really something. He's on a bad team and $1.92 is way too expensive, but he's very good.

Speaking on MNF, what is with this new trend in which a team will play a prime time in consecutive weeks or 2 out of 3 weeks? Why are we driving this team so hard? Why in the hell are the Bears and Colts taking up 4 prime time games in the first 6 weeks?

Anyway, Brees can light up the Lions, and Hunt will destroy the Steelers. Hopkins will be nice against Cleveland, but Rishard Matthews can't do anything with Cassel throwing to him. I'd put Ingram in there instead. If Tim plays Ingram, he'll win.

THE PICK: SS 82 - LBJ 77

AFFL Week 5 Review

A few housekeeping notes before the review. After 4 1/2 years of working remotely and 5 months of not working at all, I start a traditional office job this week. It remains to be seen how this affect the Krog Blog, though I'm guessing brevity is likely. Just wanted to put that out there so you don't think my bad season is leading to a lack of interest. I am fine with my bad season.

Anyway, let's get on with my team's funeral.





THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 89.9 - THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY 50.8 👎
Here was my weekend. Played an over 40 soccer game on Saturday, lost 5-1. Went to the Steelers game and watched that whole debacle, including Ben posting 0.5 points. (Sure, it was a little fun watching my DST put up back-to-back pick 6s, but not at the expense of a 30-9 loss.) Sunday night, when I went into my beer league hockey game, Deshaun Watson had 3 points. We lost the game 4-0 and I came outside to discover Deshaun now had 33 points. Oh, and I also lost in my other league thanks to Melvin Gordon.

It was not a triumphant weekend.

Then again, at least I didn't lose my job because a stripper angrily leaked a video I sent her of me blowing rails before a big meeting like a certain Dolphins offensive line coach who will remain nameless.

I could've won this game had I started Rivers or Allen. Or not traded AJ. I could be 4-1 right now, but basically every decision I've made so far has turned out to be the wrong one, going all the way back to the draft. For instance, I would've won this week had I started Rivers and Allen instead of Ben and Williams. I had the #1 waiver priority and grabbed Murray. The Vikings ran with McKinnon. I could've grabbed McKinnon or Aaron Jones. But nope!

Not to mention Ware and Robinson both going down before halftime of Week 1. Maybe they're both only slightly above average, but that's still a starting RB and #1 WR gone just like that.

That's fine. I could use a mental break this season as I just prep for 2018.

How do the Texans score 34 and Fairbairn only has 2?! At least my franchise-worthy DST had a big day. Not that it mattered.

I'm not bold enough to suggest my comments on Cam led to his benching, but I went from being amused that he had 23 points on the bench to wishing Bri's QB only had 23 points. Gurley was held down, Ajayi was held down, Baldwin was held, but Crabtree scored a touchdown, just like he does every single week instead of Cooper.


THE NATIONAL RAZOR 81.3 - WTTK? 62.4 👍
I'm sure Gary is feeling very satisfied and pleased with himself that he won this week after refusing to trade for Cooper or Watkins and just picking up Will Fuller. Even though the game was decided before Fuller even started. I am also sure that Gary's 3-2 team is very, very good, and extremely likely to make a deep playoff run this season because it is so good.

Fuller did catch another 2 TDs despite my claims that he wouldn't. TY Hilton, clearly inspired by the intelligence, courage, and patriotism of Mike Pence, had a nice game as well.

Stunningly, Bilal Powell followed up his 20+ game with only 3.3 points this week. Ameer Abdullah and Joe Mixon to continue to defy their hype with bad numbers, but the MIA defense did put up 20 thanks to the hideousness and Matt Cassell. The Titans came out and said they refused to give Kaepernick a tryout this week because they don't want the distraction. Shit, man, all of life is a distraction right now. Every six seconds it's some new issue we all have to worry about. I personally think it would be a bigger distraction to have a good team go 0-4 in the middle of the season because Matt Cassell is awful, but what do I know? Couldn't the Titans run essentially the same offense with Kaep in for Mariota and possibly go 2-2, staying alive in a wide-open division? And you don't think bringing in Brandon Damn Weeden, who might literally be the worst possible option available, sends a loud and clear signal that isn't a distraction in and of itself?

Davante Adams returned from a near-death experience and caught 2 TDs, including an incredible game winner. McCamey benched him against the terrible Dallas defense, but he wouldn't have won even with Davante's points. All that benching did was save us all from more Gary self satisfaction over Will Fuller.

ASSTANNER 98.3 - RUSSELLMANIA 69.4 👍
While I bemoan my luck this season, we can't ignore Brian Barker. Never got Odell and Julio going in a single game. Diggs might be hurt now. Traded for Younghoe Koo right before he got cut, then replaced him with Nick Folk 2 hours before he blew the game for Tampa and got himself cut. He paid like $0.30 for 2 points. He left Alex Smith's 24.7 points on the bench, mostly because he got caught in a salary cap crunch trying to pick up the Rams defense and needed to scramble and add a legal player.

Chris left Jerick McKinnon's 20.6 points on the bench. Not that it mattered, since he had AJ's 23.9 and Wentz' 25.2 in the starting lineup.

The only interesting things about this matchup is that both teams had an RB with the initials LM score 8.9 points, and they both had a WR get hurt and go out of the game with under 10 yards. What a thrill.


LITTLE BABY JESUS 84.6 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 25.8 👍
The only positives for Larry in this one are that he was right about not needing a K and a DST, and that he didn't break the record for fewest points in a game. In 2001, the Fantasy Takers posted a 19, and in 2009, Scott posted a 22.

Aaron Rodgers nearly beat the Rippers by himself, thanks to his demi-god performance against the Cowboys. That whole thing was ridiculous. It's one thing when fans think a QB might be able to drive for a game-tying field goal with 1:18 left. It's quite another when you think that's probably enough time for him to get a TD and win.


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 124.1 - ANIMAL HOUSE 46.9 👎
Predicting Scott to only score 66 points in a loss might have been my worst pick of all time. I was literally 100% off.

I was off on Jameis, who looked atrocious Thursday night. I was off on Gordon, who had his best game of the year, I was off on Zach Ertz, and I was off on Fournette, who most definitely kept his TD streak alive. Man, when he turned that corner and waved on Mitchell? Even sitting in Section 511, maybe 300 yards away, it was a terrifying sight.

On his 90-yard bonus TD, according to NextGen Stats, he hit the highest top speed of any player so far this season. I don't think since early AP have we seen a back so big, so fast, who looked like a man amongst boys in college looking like a man among lesser men in the NFL. It's something. Thank God we changed the rules so Chris or Scott can't steal Saquon Barkley from the 2018 draft.

I still have absolutely no feel for this season. Except for Hunt, and possibly Gurley, every single player is up and down from week to week. There's no consistency, no logic in who's going to be good in a given week. It's impossible. That's why we're seeing so many sub-70 AFFL scores this year and why every team in the league (even me) is still alive. (Probably not me)

My best guess is that it partly comes from what we saw last night. A team struggles in game, guys get hurt, the speed back comes in, converts a 3rd-and-4 and now the offense goes no huddle and the expected 20 carries for the main guy just dissolve. I really have no idea at this point, though.

Meyers got slightly boned by Gronk being a late scratch, but, uh, it didn't much matter.


THE NIGHT BOYS 82.8 - SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTER 75.9
Well, The Night Boys didn't crack triple digits like I thought they would, but they did win. Dak sealed this game (but not the Dallas game) with a great read option TD run, Aaron Jones looked great with 19.4, and Dez got in the end zone even though he didn't have a ton of yards.

Jones, again, I mean...I could've just as easily picked him up after Week 1. But every depth chart and article I saw said Jamaal Williams was the second stringer. Then, last week, we all see that Jones is much more lively than Williams is, and maybe even more than Montgomery is. I'm not whining or complaining; I'm just baffled. Could he not pass protect or something? Were the Packers just not giving him carries in practice? I really have no idea. Again, I think this season is just so hard to figure out. I mean, clearly. Maybe it's just me.

Not much to say about Tim in this one. With byes and such, he played his best available lineup. They just didn't score enough. Scored enough to beat me, but the schedule wasn't in his favor.

AFFL Week 5 Preview

LAST WEEK: 4-2
SEASON: 15-9

It's true that this is shaping up to be a transition season for me, though I'm not giving up hope just yet. There's a possibility that I could be one of five different 2-3 teams come Monday night, with a pair of 1-4 teams in the back. But if I lose this week, my team will be going through:




By the way, are you folks listening to these songs each week? I'm not just satisfied with improving your fantasy football smarts. I'm also working to improve your cultural and sonic smarts. I'm probably failing on both counts. You people are worthless.

Anyway, at least listen to this one. It's real chill and cool and good.


THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (1-3) vs. THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (2-2)
I have one more word in my team name, so I'm already ahead of Bri on that count.

So, let's be real about my team. I knowingly drafted a boom or bust team this year. I did it on purpose because the draft was so gross. I had no interest in scouring for guys who might scrape out 6.7 points a week. I'm all about that sex appeal, y'all! I did the same thing in my other league, where I'm 2-2 because I've scored 63-125-67-119. The difference is my AFFL team has yet to boom.

(Yes, I do have Martavis on both teams. Why do you ask?)

Anyway, I'm due for a boom. DeSean will definitely catch a long TD tonight against the terrible Pats defense, Hyde should get back in the end zone against the Colts, and this is the week for Ben and Martavis to finally connect on a deep ball. Yes, that would technically hurt me slightly because of the Jags D, but I'll live.

Another reason I think I'm not dead just yet is Latavius Murray. Not because he's much more than average, but because the injuries are just starting. Pretty much every team in this league is 1-2 injuries away from being in real trouble, so let's all have a little patience.

Of course, if I fall to 1-4, you can trade for Murray Tuesday morning.

Cam is back in the starting lineup. I guess one good game against the worst defense in the league means he's ready to face a strong Lions defense. Or maybe Bri just agrees with Cam that dames don't know nuttin' about pigskin. You wanna talk football, Betty? Make me a football-shaped pepperoni roll! If ya even knows what a football looks like, ya dizzy dame!

Hue Jackson says he has faith in Isaiah Crowell, which is exactly what he said before the season started. After 20.40 total points in 4 games, Jackson is either delusional or lying. Maybe both. Perhaps Bri will be tempted to play Montgomery or Crabtree if they get a doctor's note. No chance they get re-injured in the middle of the game.

The Titans defense is bad. The Miami offense is worse. The moveable object vs. the resistable force. Maybe Ajayi will finally score. Gurley should be great against Seattle since they're struggling with the run, Crosby has a really nice matchup against the Cowboys, and the Ravens DST gets EJ Manuel.

Hmm. So...I'm due for a boom this week. I need a win to save my season. And it looks like Bri is going to have a nice game this week.

Come Monday night, I'm going to need at least 23 points out of Murray and Thielen to pull out a win. I say they each get in the end zone once and I'm reminded that dreams do come true. Hey, if you don't believe in yourself, who will believe in you? Think I saw that on a coffee mug once.

THE PICK: TDHGNM 94 - TKSMB 87


WTTK? (2-2) vs. THE NATIONAL RAZOR (2-2)
So McCamey finally revealed his acronym. Three years of "mystery" and that's it? That's the best you can do? Not exactly the best long game I've ever seen. It wasn't quite as exciting as the last scene of The Game.

Gary has scored 130 more points than McCamey, but could fall behind him in the standings this week. Interesting. But don't think a Gary win is assured here. Gary's boom or bust team looks like my other league team mentioned above. He's either in the 60s or the 100s. McCamey's best game is 74 and his worst game is 35, so he has more of a bust and BUST team.

Gary has a slight edge at quarterback with Tom Brady against Jacoby Brissett for Bill. Rough break for Bill having Carr hurt and Cousins on a bye. Speaking of byes, Gary's refusal to be reasonable on a trade means he has a banged-up Wendell Smallwood going against Arizona, assuming he actually plays, and new pick up Will Fuller going against Kansas City. Fuller, who hadn't played in a year due to a knee injury, looks like he had a good game last week. Hey, 15 points! Pretty good! Except...he had 2 TDs on just 35 receiving yards. Feel like he won't repeat the 2 TD part this week.

And sure, Amari Cooper probably won't do much either, but I did also offer DeSean Jackson, who is going to score 18 points this week.

Okay, I'll level with you. I was desperately trying to talk myself into McCamey this week just for the hilarity. But Shiva H. Vishnu, look at this roster! Ameer Abdullah against a good run defense, Joe Mixon against a good run defense, Bilal Powell against a team that should touch him when he's on the ground, Davante Adams against the specter of death. Oh, and JJ Nelson, who has 3.4 total points in the last 2 weeks.

THE PICK: TNR 77 - WTTK? 50


RUSSELLMANIA (2-2) vs. ASSTANNER (3-1)
There's a decent chance that Aaron Donald breaks Russell Wilson's ribs this week like an older brother jumping on the couch on his younger brother. Lamar Miller finally got into double digits against a bad Titans defense; we can assume he won't do the same against the Chiefs this week. Beckham is dinged up and facing a pretty good CB (I'm aware he can only be shut down by injury, not a defense), Keenan Allen with get Janoris Jenkins, who has shut down everybody this year, and Bears are keeping lids on all WRs so far this year, so good luck to Stefon Diggs.

That pretty much leaves Doug Martin, who returns from suspension on a short week for a game in which the Bucs will need to throw 60 times to keep up. Not great.

Here's another reason to not give up too early. Chris is going to be 4-1 after this week, but is he really that good? If Zeke's suspension is upheld in court this week, isn't going to be .500 by the time he's back? If not 4-7? Unless one of you dummies bails Chris out with a trade. Why are you doing that!? We talked about this!

On behalf of Brian's wife and the breakable objects in his house, I implore to skip both SNF and MNF and avoid the increasing of not watching Miller and Diggs do enough to catch up to Chris.

THE PICK: AT 76 - RM 67


LITTLE BABY JESUS (2-2) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (2-2)
Get ready for the first controversy of the season, folks!

Actually, it's probably the 10th by now. But dig in, because...

...

...Larry is intentionally leaving his K and DST empty this week. He figures he can't win this week anyway, so why bork his cap picking up a K and DST for just this week? I tried to talk him out of it, mainly because I don't want Semi going to 3-2 in my division. Oh yeah. And also because of integrity. Yes, integrity. So have at it in the comments section, everyone!

Thing is, I'm not entirely convinced it's hopeless. Cutler could actually do something against the Titans, who are bottom 5 in every defensive metric, Mike Evans could score 20+ on the Pats, Hurns can beat the Steelers' coverage, and Mack or Gore could get yards on the Niners.

Yeah, Semi has Rodgers and Jordy lighting up the Cowboys, but Marshawn is doing nothing, Jimmy Graham is doing nothing, and Hogan and Hill are both up and down.

Come Tuesday, I am absolutely going to cherry pick the 1 kicker and 1 defense that Larry could've won with for the review. I will ignore the FA K that scores 2 and the DST that posts a -6 as a way to show that Larry made a decent choice in just skipping them this week. That is my vow to you.

THE PICK: LBJ 76 - TWR 59


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (1-3) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (3-1)
As of this writing, Meyers doesn't have a QB this week. Matt Ryan is on a bye, and Adrian Peterson is occupying the bench slot that would be better served by a backup QB. Now, a QB is more important to have than a K or DST, but maybe Meyers thinks he can beat without one. Or, more likely, he doesn't look at the league site between 1130pm Monday and 11:30am Sunday, if he even looks at it that much.

But maybe he can win with no QB. Bell should run wild on the Jags, who shut down the pass but let teams run wild on them. McCaffrey is going to get into the end zone at some point (I think?), and Gronk might be able to catch a TD tonight before hurting himself again.

Tonight is Jameis' big chance to show everybody he's very good and will be very good in the future. He should throw 4 TDs and definitely not throw 4 picks that make everybody wonder if he's any good. AB will struggle with Jalen Ramsey, Melvin Gordon will struggle with being a shit running back, DeMarco Murray has one good run all season, and Fournette has had below-average yardage totals masked by the fact he's scored a TD each week. That seems unlikely to last forever.

I realize that last statement could be interpreted in either direction. Poor and vague writing. I mean that he won't continuing scoring TDs every week.

THE PICK: AH 81 (94 with QB) - TDHAF 66


THE NIGHT BOYS (1-3) vs. SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER (3-1)
I'm gonna you something that's hard to admit. Tim's worst week this season was 0.1 higher than my best week. That's where I am right now. That's what it has come to. But I think Tim's feel-good run takes a slight pause this week.

Goff and the Rams are, I mean...they're essentially the NFL version of Tim. Had an amazing few years a long time ago, have been terrible ever since, now they are putting up points in buckets. For all we know. Sean McVay has also taken over this team. It would explain a lot, actually. But Goff still has to go into Seattle, Jordan Howard has to face Minnesota, Kelvin Benjamin is questionable, and Amari is facing a good secondary in the early East Coast time slot with EJ Manuel at QB. Kareem Hunt is only one man. He can only do so much.

This matchup actually features both Benjamin and Devin Funchess, which is...interesting. But this is the Dez week Barker has finally been waiting for. Nobody on the Packers can slow down Dez, and he's doubling up on those points with the Dak Stack. Dezzy Dezzy Dak Dak, y'all! Gillislee or Cooks should have fun against Tampa, and if Aaron Jones doesn't play because Montgomery or Williams are good to go, Rawls is a great backup option on the bench.

Welcome to 2017 fantasy football, everybody! Where there's absolutely nothing to get excited about!

THE PICK: TNB 105 - SS 66

AFFL Week 4 Review

Goddamn, they gentrified the police brutality protest. Somehow we're going to take outrage about police shooting people in the back and turn it into Nike t-shirts with a hashtag like #amer1ca across the chest. Never, ever doubt white people's ability to change the subject when we almost start talking about racial equality. We are absolute savants. It's probably the 600 years of practice.

Anyway, every game had at least one player involved in Monday Night Football, with 3 games being decided by the Chiefs and Washingtons. Two of them weren't decided until the fourth quarter, though the Chiefs' all-time great backdoor cover on the last play of the game wasn't a factor in Chris' big win.





WTTK? 72.7 - THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY 67 👎
Last week, I ticked off 5-6 funny reasons that I lost. This week, there's only one. Bilal Powell had a seemingly normal run in the Jets game, lost his feet and went down. But none of the Jaguars touched him, so he got up and ran 50 more yards for a TD. That was worth an extra 11 points to WTTK?. I lost this week because nobody on my own defense bothered to touch a ball carrier on the ground.

I realize this will sound like excuse making after the fact, but I really did not like my team after the draft. But wait, you say, you ranked yourself 3rd in the preseason preview. That's true, but more because I hated all of your teams. I knew I put together a boom or bust team with these receivers, they just haven't boomed yet.

Here's a great way to sum up my season so far. After Robinson got hurt, I put in for 3 players on the waiver wire. I didn't get any of them. On Wednesday, I put in for Chris Carson on the FA list and Semi beat me by an hour. I ended up settling for Jamaal Williams, figuring Ty Montgomery would get hurt at some point and I'd be sitting pretty. I was right...for about 20 minutes.

So, fine. I have no problem with punting until 2018. I could use a mental break from caring about a team anyway. The only good news is I have the #1 waiver spot this week. I can spend the rest of my season grabbing waiver players to trade them like a World of Warcraft gold miner. Just sitting in a darkened cubicle surrounded by empty pounder cans of Monster Energy, eyes bleary as I pore over free agent playoff matchups.

On the other hand...I could easily be 4-0. If I had just kept AJ, I would be 3-1. Hell, I could still sneak into the playoffs.

Rivers finally had a nice game, but Thielen, Watkins, and DeSean were all busts. I still am not sure how Howard and Cohen could absolutely destroy the Steelers D, but Buck Allen doesn't catch a pass until the second half. I don't understand any NFL team through the first 4 weeks.

The only good part of last night's game is that I knew I was going to lose as soon a Pryor caught that first TD, so at least it was over early for me. The great Joe Mixon finally got a bunch of carries and responded with 29 yards in a 31-7 win. Mohamed Sanu got hurt during the game and Davante Adams almost got killed during his game, but none of that mattered because of Bilal Powell, The Man Who Wasn't Touched Down.

McCamey has a better record than me with 50 fewer points scored, which is cool and fun.


ASSTANNER 95.2 - THE NATIONAL RAZOR 65.7 👍
Chris is looking good right so far, but Dalvin Cook is now gone for the season (and his contract is expiring) and Zeke goes back to court this week to find out if his suspension will be upheld or kicked to next season. Plus, if Chris is making a good run at the deadline, he'll need to keep Shady as an FP, which means he loses Zeke next season.

Focusing on the now, Zeke had a huge game this week, Cook put up points before blowing out his knee, AJ had another TD, and Shady and Wentz were serviceable enough.

As predicted, Garcon and Hilton were terrible starts. I mean, you KNOW Hilton wasn't going to do anything against Seattle. Why not start Cobb or Ginn and hope to get lucky. Not that it mattered anyway. Freeman scored a TD to save his week, but...maybe the Bills D is actually good? Is that possible? Can that be?

What else can I say? I don't want to cut this review so short, but a team with good matchups blew out a team with bad matchups. That's pretty much it.


RUSSELLMANIA 111.8 - THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 76.3 👍
Two down weeks in a row for Brian Williams now. Hey, look, if I manage to beat him this week, we're both 2-3 and that would be pretty interesting. Does Bri throw in the towel or just ride it out? But let's save that for when the time comes.

Bri's starting QB put up 11 points this week. His 2 bench QBs each broke 30. The silver lining is that didn't matter in the end result and maybe Cam propped up his value just long enough for Bri to move him. Ajayi's knee is a problem, the Dolphins' offense is terrible, and Jay Cutler just could not care less.

Jay Cutler had zero interest in pretending to be a wide receiver in this wildcat set pic.twitter.com/gaoYyqFXpg

— Eric Fawcett (@Efawcett7) October 1, 2017

Ty Montgomery has multiple broken ribs and is worried about damaging internal organs if he returns too quickly, which seems...fair? Crabtree is hurt. Crowell is less than worthless. Mike Wallace is...I mean, would you start Mike Wallace every week? Baldwin and Kelce are good, but this Kangaroo season is spinning out of control.

Great game for Russell, the team and the player. I am not fooled by Lamar Miller's 2 TDs. He still sucks, but those TDs sure were useful this week. First round pick Terrelle Pryor finally scored a TD, but he was on the bench. The Seahawks DST had TWO touchdowns as they ran it up on the Colts. Diggs and Allen had very solid games just on yards.

The only spot of concern for Barker here is the health of Odell and Julio. Odell dislocated his finger at one point and they popped it back in on the sideline. On a later tackle, he clutched his ankle right away. That ankle is going to be a problem for him all season long and Barker will never know when he'll just miss 3 quarters in a game.

Julio came into this one with a back issue and left early with a hip issue. Seems...sub-optimal.

I think we all know already that Brian Barker might make the playoffs this year, but will absolutely lose because Odell or Julio or both will be hurt. Fun!


SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER 81.8 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 68.7 👍
If you look back through the History section of the league site, there is archival evidence that Tim once had good teams. Like, decades ago. Looking through that and seeing that Tim holds the record for most points scored in a season (2004), or highest per game average (2006), or highest winning percentage (2006), most wins (2006), and a league title (2006). In 2006, he also became one of 3 owners to ever post a perfect 36 in the Breakdown. (The others are me and The Home Wreckers, whoever that is)

Trying to figure out who Tim had on that team (Larry Johnson? Tomlinson?) makes me feel like an archaeologist deep in the jungle primeval. Look! They used to eat burritos in this society!

Point is, MAYBE THIS IS TIM'S YEAR! I, for one, am going to enjoy the ride. And Tim would really enjoy the ride if he moved a #1 pick next year for Carlos Hyde.

Tevin Coleman put up 144 yards, which is absolutely bizarre to me. The backup RB, in a tight, relatively low-scoring game, did as well as Freeman did without a TD. Howard had a TD. Hunt had his "worst" game of the season with 12 points. The starting WRs combined for 5.8 points while Hopkins and Benjamin combined for 27.1 points on the bench and Tim still won.

Trump winning the Presidency has clearly opened some portal to an alternate universe in which the impossible has become possible. And while Trump is (un?)knowingly ending the American empire, it remains to be seen whether Title Tim will end the AFFL.

Larry lost Mariota to an injury - again - and now has to rely on a QB who legitimately does not want to be there. Tyrell Williams finally had a good game, but he was on the bench. The Ripper team, they're 2-2. But look at them. Look at this lineup. Teams like this are why I think I'm not yet dead at 1-3. Nobody is good this year. Everybody is extremely susceptible to a key injury. It's wiiiiide open.

PS, my prediction for this game was SS 78 - TWR 68. Not. Too. Shabby.


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 75.1 - LITTLE BABY JESUS 74 👎
Oh man. How did Tyreek Hill not get loose for just 12 more yards? Or if Chris Carson didn't break his ankle, Semi could've won this game. Why did you do that, Chris? Don't they teach rookie to not break their ankles?

Usually in these close games, we can have a lot of fun looking at the loser's bench and figuring out where he went wrong. We don't get to do that here because nobody on Semi's bench did anything. Somehow cornering the senior citizen's market at RB isn't working out for LBJ. Stewart, Lynch, Charles...all useless.

Jameis finally showed up for a game and Fournette continues to run hard, but Gordon continues to be useless, as does DeMarco Murray. AB only posted 3.4 this week and it'll be interesting to see what happens when he goes up against Jalen Ramsey this week. The Patriots DST, maybe the worst defense in the entire league, managed 0.5 points this week, staying out of negative territory, which would've cost Scott this game. Great work!


ANIMAL HOUSE 90.4 - THE NIGHT BOYS 74 👍
The Texans DST put up 21.5 on Barker's bench, not that it mattered in the this game. It's just that I'm staring at his bench in shock, looking at Thomas Rawls, Rex Burkhead, and Kenny Golladay all putting up zeroes. I'm also enjoying the little quirk that both of these have a guy whose first initial is Z and nearly scored Z-ero this week. 1 point for Zane Gonzalez, 1.8 for Zay Jones.

Devin Funchess had two TDs, believe it or not, and is already the best Night Boys receiver. Definitely better than stinky ol' Dez, who stinks. The Pats were not tackled on the 1-yard line, apparently, so Mike Gillislee was useless this week. Chris Thompson somehow did not repeat his unsustainable TD numbers, although I will say that he is very fast and probably Washington's best bet in the backfield.

Speaking of backfields, Le'Veon finally broke out with 30 points, which is good because nobody else on Animal House did much of anything. Thomas and Fitz had a TD each, but only average games beyond that. I can't believe Matt Ryan only posted 7.8 at home against Buffalo. Again, maybe they're kinda good? Can that be right? Doesn't feel right.

Hey, here's a small quirk. Take away Bell's 30 points this week - injury, shut out, whatever - and both of these teams are 2-2 with the same PF. Fun with numbers!